Supporting MtF Fiancee

[kayliyth]

Hi all,

Here's our story, my fiance (well at the time he was my boyfriend), told me this fall that he enjoyed dressing in women's clothing, and wanted to try me penetrating him (I'm so sorry if this is TMI). I am a cis woman who is bisexual and very open to new things, and I agreed to give it a shot with the amusing term "wouldn't hurt me to try...may hurt you if we do it wrong"...PLease please I assure you I did NOT hurt him. Her...Him...Arg confused.

Anyways, as time went on he expressed more desire to have more clothing, bras and panties of his own and I happily obliged. Finally I sat down and talked to him once he showed me some transgendered porn, as I had to pry it out of him why he would hide it from me. We had a long discussion and he admitted that he really was jealous of the actresses (the MtF) because they could live a life where they were 'out'. I didn't really realize it at first, and it took a while to sink it.

He wears womens clothes all the time at home, which doesn't bother me, except for when my favorite shirt is already dirty and I didn't wear it...AHEM. And I finally looked at him and asked if he just wanted to try and live the life of a woman or a man. He admitted to feeling like he was a woman in a man's body, and had felt this way since puberty (if not further). As far as I can tell his has no resentment against his male parts, and on several occassions has said that he would love to have breasts, but is rather fond of his penis, and vaginas just look like too much work (his words NOT mine, though I do agree having lady bits can be a bit high maitence ugh.)

Being supportive, I googled ways to remove excess hair, something I've never had an issue with, and googled how to measure feet to find him proper ladies foot wear, and even suggested some sites of retailers I enjoy shopping at, because we have a similar body type and I know he likes how I dress. I even asked him if he has a name for himself.

Bri is my fiancee, she is a lovely woman, who is still finding her way, and is kind of awkward. She also doesn't sit like a lady and tends to let herself air too much. I digress.

I've read that there are many times with HRT that the person going through this...loses interest in the gender they once loved. Bri and I do have sexual relations that allow her to be penetrated, and I do remind her how beautiful she is, last night I gave her a pedicure, brushed her hair, and helped with some advice on those tricky areas that men's skin seems to always be dry in.

I love Bri, to the end of the world I just want her to be happy and I don't care the pieces she has on the outside, be it a penis, breasts, or what have you. I'm scared to lose her though, scared that she will be attracted to men in the end, and I have already told her that I am comfortable with myself, I know I am a woman and while I enjoy strapping on a toy, or even doing things to be the 'man' in certain occassions, I love my female Identity and want her to love hers.

If she chose to be heterosexual, and love men in the end. I would be so hurt, but if it made her happy I would do what was needed and either step away from the relationship, or allow it to be open. We have discussed it, and when we watch porn I have asked her what turns her on about it. The male figure? The female? The acts? So far its always been that she enjoys the female form, our sex life is very healthy and she shows NO sign of not being interested in me. We are an affectionate couple, who snuggle, cuddle, share interests, and support each other.

I want this to be as 'easy' or...well be able to support her in her journey as MUCH as I can, without actually knowing what it feels like to be trapped in the wrong body. I cannot fathom it being anything but unsettling. I have started to try and remember to use the female pronoun and her woman name towards her, as well as helping her get into a beauty routine, learn make up, learn general grace (she walks like such a man lol), help her by giving her manis and pedis, do her hair, remind her she's not a slut and no one needs to EVER see that much skin unless she wants to go have some fun...wink wink nudge nudge...and most of all love her for her.

She admitted being scared that I'd leave her, because while I AM bisexual I admittedly have not been in many relationships with women, I guess you can say I'm a 60-40 Bi where I tend to gravitate towards men more frequently than women. She has told me several times that we are lesbians and loves the idea, and is even going to hold off on HRT until we decide if we want children. Once decided we will then make a plan for HRT.

We are planning an outting where she goes as Bri. It is in a large city, that is very LGBT friendly, and often you see crossdressers and other peoples, plus we don't know anyone (as she's a bit shy still and not out to everyone), and I'm in love with the fact of taking my beautiful fiance for a nice dinner, at a fancy restaurant, where I'm going to give her a beautiful necklace to show how much I appreciate her.

But I'm still scared that she will eventually want a man. I will never have a real penis (but will have some amazing fake ones lemme tell you! Lol), are there any couples out there that have gone through this and are still together? Doesn't have to be two women can be two men. Or what have you, I've heard a lot of stories of hurt and confusion and couples breaking up! I don't want that!

Thanks all for this rant.

-Kay

[Tessa James]

And a big warm welcome to you!  Thank you for sharing your very supportive life story with us.  Many of us remain with our spouses and significant others and it would seem a minority of people have any profound sense of change about sexual orientation due to transitioning which is distinct from gender identity.  Many people would love to have as supportive a fiancee as you!  You have a very lucky partner IMO.

[blueconstancy]

It sounds like you have a good handle on the whole transition thing, and I admire that; I was nowhere near as put together as you are when I was in the first few months of the process.

My greatest fear was also that my wife would leave me for a man, but it didn't happen; she was bisexual before and she is now, though she finds a few more men attractive now than she did then. (She says it has to do with being treated *as* a woman by a straight/bi man, versus being seen as a man by gay/bi men; she found being perceived as a bi man by other men appalling, but as a bi woman it's appealing.) I know of very few cases where orientation did a complete 180 on HRT AND the person didn't feel, as my wife does, that it was an example of a suppressed attraction surfacing.
 
In your case, I will say that I've spent six years active in the community so far and am in touch with some of the most influential "partners outreach" people in the game, and the consensus is that in the case of couples like you, who are very much in love and very determined to stay together and sexual orientation is not an issue going into HRT, the survival rate of relationships is close to 100%. There are a lot of horror stories and tragedies because those are the stories that get told - and that get repeated in the media - but it's not the truth.  Especially when you're both willing to be flexible about things like perceived social roles and, ahem, alternative bedroom methods.

However, for something less anecdotal... [reposting something very reassuring]


I was stunned to discover that the survey currently considered the gold standard in trans research, "Injustice at Every Turn," which was conducted by The National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (and which surveyed 6,450 Americans who were transgender or non-gender conforming) actually does address the outcomes for marriages and relationships. And, shockingly, contrary to the accepted wisdom, only 45% of people reported that their relationship ended due to coming out or gender non-conformity. Among those who actually went on to transition, the rate is 55%. (Not all of the remainder stayed together, but in those cases the respondents reported that their relationships ended for other reasons unrelated to transition. I searched the original study report in case the "stayed long term" was broken out from "left for other reasons," but couldn't find it.) There are some more specific breakdowns by age, employment data, and children in the actual report : http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_full.pdf

Although 55% overall is not fantastic odds, it still flies in the face of the regular claims that relationships "never" survive or that it's incredibly rare. We're the majority. And I wonder how much of this is a self-fulfilling prophecy - how many more partners would stick around if they weren't surrounded by cis people telling them to flee and trans people insisting that it's hopeless and they should give up. Those of us who stay are often stubborn and determined to fly in the face of conventional wisdom; the tragic part is that that conventional wisdom is WRONG.

[kayliyth]

It sounds like you have a good handle on the whole transition thing, and I admire that; I was nowhere near as put together as you are when I was in the first few months of the process.

My greatest fear was also that my wife would leave me for a man, but it didn't happen; she was bisexual before and she is now, though she finds a few more men attractive now than she did then. (She says it has to do with being treated *as* a woman by a straight/bi man, versus being seen as a man by gay/bi men; she found being perceived as a bi man by other men appalling, but as a bi woman it's appealing.) I know of very few cases where orientation did a complete 180 on HRT AND the person didn't feel, as my wife does, that it was an example of a suppressed attraction surfacing.
 
In your case, I will say that I've spent six years active in the community so far and am in touch with some of the most influential "partners outreach" people in the game, and the consensus is that in the case of couples like you, who are very much in love and very determined to stay together and sexual orientation is not an issue going into HRT, the survival rate of relationships is close to 100%. There are a lot of horror stories and tragedies because those are the stories that get told - and that get repeated in the media - but it's not the truth.  Especially when you're both willing to be flexible about things like perceived social roles and, ahem, alternative bedroom methods.

Thank you, she has mentioned she'd like to play with men, but its more the servicing of men, then there is an attraction to and I'd say she's close to bisexual...kind of? Anyways, its good to hear that you and your wife are doing well, and that there are a lot more cases of people staying together, rather than falling apart!

And a big warm welcome to you!  Thank you for sharing your very supportive life story with us.  Many of us remain with our spouses and significant others and it would seem a minority of people have any profound sense of change about sexual orientation due to transitioning which is distinct from gender identity.  Many people would love to have as supportive a fiancee as you!  You have a very lucky partner IMO.

Aw thank you! I feel very lucky to have her as she is amazingly supportive of all I want to do. I am usually very good about sexuality being its own little nugget and a facet of a person, but I know for myself that my hormones are kind of awkward, and sometimes so overwhelming, mixed with media, and what I've read its been something I wonder about. Sadly a lot of the trans people I know, don't have a current life partner or their relationship fell apart because of their issues with their pre-op bodies.

[Paige]

Hi Kayliyth,

I had a discussion with my therapist once about my thoughts about being penetrated by a man.  She said that if a person has never been very attracted to men, this can often be more about the person validating their femaleness.

Anyway, just thought you would find this interesting.
Paige

[JoanneB]

Kaylith, you are a fantastic woman for feeling as you do over the trans stuff. We do tend to hide it because it is our deepest darkest secret and fear the world will open and swallow us up or a bolt of lightning will instantly vaporize us if we dare speak of it, especially to someone very important in our life.

The current 10 year divorce rate is about 30%. So doing some mathematical hand waving that means 70% of people that likely truly love each other stay married. Now if a couple with a trans spouse truly love each other and the success rate for their marriage is 100% then you are sitting statistically the same as a regular ole cis couple.

Gender identity and sexual preference are two different things. Easy enough to say, in practice mostly true. Sexual preference can morph over time, for anyone. We cannot know, nor control, the future.

My wife has exactly the same fear as you do. Actually for her it is not a fear, it is a certainty that my sexual preference will change, just as I have been changing emotionally and physically due to the hormones. HRT effects each one differently. Plus there is all that baggage a trans person carries around. As you start feeling better about being the real you and begin to peal back that onion, layer by layer, you don't really know what you will discover.

One day at a time

[kayliyth]

Joanne, thank you for your insight. We are working one step at a time, and she has said she would like to expirament a bit with men, but she isn't particularly aroused by their bodies or anything. Perhaps when on HRT she may feel different. We have a very open and honest relationship, and can tell each other anything, she has never lied and when I asked her how she honestly felt about the thought of being in a relationship with a man after she changed, she told me that would rather take me over any 'stinky' man (her words not mine). I know that may change and may become more fluid, we're young! But to hear that as long as we put the work in, and continue to love and respect each other and continue to communicate and understand one another we have a better shot than I thought is reassuring. Nothing is truly guarenteed. Its just a bit more scary when you're unsure of what hormones will do heh.

Paige, I sometimes thinks thats it, because anytime there is such acts involved, she is in some woman lingere. While I do believe she enjoys the act...I think it is partially a bit of the confirmation that she is, indeed, a woman. When we first started that sort of play I thought maybe she was bisexual or...groannnn. Gay. As yes, I have had a partner in the past that turned out to be gay -.-'. Not that that is a bad thing over all, just a bad thing for a relationship when he's with a woman and really wants a man lol.