Is this dysphoria?

[darkblade]

I'm still not quite sure what dysphoria is or how it feels like, I know it's different for everyone..

I'd been waiting several months to get my hair cut, and yesterday was supposed to be the day. Had a family occasion on Thursday and my mom really didn't want me to cut my hair before then. Friday morning I was sitting around and I thought about going to the gym, then the first thought that went through my head was that I didn't want to go out until I get my hair cut. A very strong emotional reaction followed.. I don't think ever I've cried that much in one day. I already had an appointment for Saturday but my mom took me to the hairdresser anyways because I was in such a mess. Ended up hating the haircut because I think it's pretty feminine, which triggered even more tears. I spent all of saturday sort of "recovering" from the previous day, and more or less just wanting to disappear..

I'm just wondering why I had such a strong reaction to.. A haircut? Do you people experience stuff like this or am I just really weird..

[DangerTom]

When I was 9 I really wanted a boy's hair cut, even though I couldn't voice it that way. It was the 90s, so I wanted shaggy floppy center-parted hair where the front strands would sweep in front of my eyes. But I just asked for short hair, and when I saw the final result I didn't know what was wrong with it, only that it looked wrong. As we got in the car, the front strands tucked securely behind my ears, my mom looked over and saw me crying. She asked what was wrong and I told her my hair was too long. She took me right back to the hairdresser to get it fixed. It still wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was better, and at least I stopped crying. But I was a little traumatized, and grew my hair and kept it long for years afterwards, not really sure what else to do with it.

I know I was 9, but those feelings come up whenever my hair cuts don't feel right. I still think they're valid; a hair cut is such an important aspect of your presentation to the world. When I cut my hair short again as an adult, the hair dresser cut it "pixie", and I felt anxiety about going out into the world like that. It can change my whole gender presentation. Now it's short but androgynous, and I can style it femme if I need to like go stealth.

Try bringing a photo to the hair dresser's next time, so that you'll have some kind of reference. Look on pinterest for ideas for men's or androgynous hair cuts.

[rachel89]

I'm also having hair problems. My hair is fairly short, but grows fast and gets sloppy and looks kind of guy-ish, because of the hairline (lots of hair on back of neck and sideburns grow quickly). I got a trim last weekend to clean up the hairline and make sure I don't get split ends, they were nice and everything, and know I am transitioning, but a 1/2 inch off the top of my head felt like a little too much at this point, because I just started the transition process  in the fall of 2014 (trying dressing in the right clothes, coming out to myself, attending trans support groups, and beginning therapy). At the moment, a male hairline and body hair is giving me way more dysphoria than short hair. The awkward phases of dealing with hair really suck.

[rachel89]

Anyways, for me, a lot of dysphoria is centered around hair issues.

[Peacebone]

Yes... My more recent hair cut is more feminine... I don't like it.

[adrian]

I can totally relate.

Also, before I even "knew" I was trans, I'd literally break down before the mirror crying when I had to go somewhere "dressed up" because I was so unhappy with what I was seeing, without even knowing what specifically was wrong.

Can you get the cut "corrected" or do it yourself? Sometimes it's just really small things between a feminine and a more andro style.

[Ptero]

the hair issue... a big one.

I think I found a solution for myself. At spring one of my friend's gonna shave my head (not exactly "shave", just keep 3 mm). What is funny is that guy doesn't know I have a problem with my gender presentation and so on. For him it's just part of my originality or something like that. He does strange experiments on himself quite often so it's normal for him that I make some too. It really lowers dysphoria to have such a friend that never interprets what I do otherwise that me being myself

And in a way I try to have this attitude towards myself.

And to answer your first question, I think your feeling can totally be called dysphoria. And you shouldn't judge yourself as weird. It's normal to have a strong reaction when you can't have what you need to feel right, yourself. Doesn't matter if it's a haircut or anything. Do you have somebody who can correct it (I mean somebody you trust and you can express what exactly is wrong with your haircut) ?

[Elis]

I never really thought of how my hair is part of my dysphoria, but this post gave me a different perspective. I never liked my hair when I was younger,  it  was shoulder length then always pulled back in an awful ponytail, then I had a bob to try and fit in as a girl. I didn't mind my shoulder length hair but hated the ponytail as it made me look ugly. I thought I hated my body/being uncomfortable with myself bcos I didn't fit in with other girls looks wise. I still struggle with thinking that I only think I'm trans bcos I'm not good looking as a girl. I remember when I was around ten though wanted to get a boys haircut, looking through the womens hair book I was given by the hairdresser and confused as to why I couldn't make up my mind so go the usual (just cut some length of my hair). Anyway I'm rambling. I've had the same man's haircut for a year (my first man's hairstyle) and I've gotten bored with it. I like it as it does make me sorta look guyish but I still always get misgendered. It's a huge improvement from how I had my hair prevoously, it's kind of a medium length hairstyle with layers. It's two months since I last had it cut and I hate it (possible dysphoria) it's got no shape or style anymore and can't wait to get a new shorter cut that's possibly even more masculine.

[JoanneB]

I totally get the haircut. It is a (semi)permanent reminder that you cannot avoid seeing every day. I go through much same since I live part time as female. The absolute most depressing end of my weekend is removing my nail polish. I have cried plenty over that, still do

[Rachel]

Last June my hair was just touching the top of my shoulders. My wife outed me to our daughter and my daughter pleaded for me to cut 0.5 inches off the bottom. I went to a gay hair dresser in the gayborhood and said to cut 1/2 inch off the bottom. He cut 4 inches off. I cried on the way home and a few times after.  I am just now at the length of last June Hair is a big issue for me.

[Bran]

Oh, my god, haircut dysphoria!  I used to have waist-length hair, which I habitually wore pulled back in a braid. To me, that wasn't a gendered hairstyle.  I got my hair from the Cherokee side of my family, and I was quite proud of it, and I know lots of long-haired super-masculine guys.  But when I started on the path to transition, I had to admit that I'd pass sooner with shorter hair.  Then, I had to admit that if I went from hair I could sit on to a completely masculine short cut, it would be pretty shocking to a whole bunch of people I didn't want to know about the trans thing just yet.  So I cut it off in a bob. 

And, then, I remembered why I didn't keep my hair that length.  "I love that haircut on you!  It's so cute!"  "You look so much younger, that's a great haircut!"  "Wow!  That cut really frames your face, it looks really good on you!"  And it did look cute, and I looked a lot more feminine with shorter hair than I had with my long braid.  I absolutely hated that haircut.

So I wrote a date on my calendar for when I could cut it shorter again.  I had a whole plan for how to get my hair where I wanted it, in stepwise fashion so I could avoid bothering the people around me too much, etc.  Then, when I went to the salon this weekend, I skipped like five steps in my haircut plan and got it cut super-short.  I'm still not going to pass, but people might at least notice that I'm trying.  And I feel much better about my hair.  I look in the mirror and feel like the haircut, at least, is "me."

In short, yes.  Hair dysphoria is totally real.  If you hate your hair, its worth doing something different with it.

[darkblade]

Oh, my god, haircut dysphoria!  I used to have waist-length hair, which I habitually wore pulled back in a braid. To me, that wasn't a gendered hairstyle.  I got my hair from the Cherokee side of my family, and I was quite proud of it, and I know lots of long-haired super-masculine guys.  But when I started on the path to transition, I had to admit that I'd pass sooner with shorter hair.  Then, I had to admit that if I went from hair I could sit on to a completely masculine short cut, it would be pretty shocking to a whole bunch of people I didn't want to know about the trans thing just yet.  So I cut it off in a bob. 

And, then, I remembered why I didn't keep my hair that length.  "I love that haircut on you!  It's so cute!"  "You look so much younger, that's a great haircut!"  "Wow!  That cut really frames your face, it looks really good on you!"  And it did look cute, and I looked a lot more feminine with shorter hair than I had with my long braid.  I absolutely hated that haircut.

So I wrote a date on my calendar for when I could cut it shorter again.  I had a whole plan for how to get my hair where I wanted it, in stepwise fashion so I could avoid bothering the people around me too much, etc.  Then, when I went to the salon this weekend, I skipped like five steps in my haircut plan and got it cut super-short.  I'm still not going to pass, but people might at least notice that I'm trying.  And I feel much better about my hair.  I look in the mirror and feel like the haircut, at least, is "me."

In short, yes.  Hair dysphoria is totally real.  If you hate your hair, its worth doing something different with it.

Yeah, I kind of have a bob now too... Sucks. For me though, my parents are on my side right now, or at least trying to be, and I don't want to do anything that would be absolutely dismissive of what they want, and they explicitly said they don't want me to get anything that resembles a male haircut (because it would be considered cross dressing, which is forbidden in Islam). I'm probably going to the hairdresser again next weekend to get it fixed, but I know I probably won't go much shorter.. I got a "cute haircut, girl!" I didn't even know I didn't like the word cute... Pretty annoying. I'm having trouble even figuring out what exactly is wrong with my hair so I can fix it... Several weeks ago my roommate made a comment on my hair (because I never bothered taking care of it) saying that it looked like a guy's gross hair that was too long. I thought it was interesting that my mental response to that was that I'd rather have gross guy hair than nice girl hair...

[Bran]

. .. Several weeks ago my roommate made a comment on my hair (because I never bothered taking care of it) saying that it looked like a guy's gross hair that was too long. I thought it was interesting that my mental response to that was that I'd rather have gross guy hair than nice girl hair...

Welcome to dysphoria, that bizarre land where complements feel like insults and looking good makes you feel bad.  That's how it works when you're being judged against the wrong set of standards.  Imagine how any guy would feel, being told a haircut made him look like a beautiful woman?  Some very enlightened men who were secure in their masculinity would think it was amusing or complementary.  But most would be mad at worst, and confused or weirded out at best.

And, remember-- it's not cross-dressing if you're a man.  The prohibition against cross-dressing depends on the definition of gender.  If gender is the same as genetic sex, then being transgender is basically imaginary.  But many people see gender as being an intrinsic property of the person which is separate from any measurable biological factor.  Your gender isn't your genetics, or your gonads, or your genitalia.  Your gender is what you know it to be.  So, is it cross-dressing to dress like a man?  Or to dress like a woman?

[Elis]

Bran makes a good point. I never understood why clothes are gendered,  they're just pieces of fabric stitched together. And if you can't 'crossdress' does that mean you can't wear trousers or wear a tshirt? It's ridiculous.

[darkblade]

And, remember-- it's not cross-dressing if you're a man.  The prohibition against cross-dressing depends on the definition of gender.  If gender is the same as genetic sex, then being transgender is basically imaginary.  But many people see gender as being an intrinsic property of the person which is separate from any measurable biological factor.  Your gender isn't your genetics, or your gonads, or your genitalia.  Your gender is what you know it to be.  So, is it cross-dressing to dress like a man?  Or to dress like a woman?

I really don't wanna get into a discussion on religion here, just because it seems like whenever I or anyone else mentions it they get lots of backlash even though it's an important part of the lives of many people here. Anyways, so far all I've heard from scholars and stuff so far is that they do think it's "imaginary," more specifically that it's just satan messing with my head. Lol. Hoping I'll stumble upon someone that'll say transition is okay, but for the moment, whatever. I'm trying to figure out a cut that can look both feminine and masculine.. Feminine at home and masculine at school basically.