Did a bit of thinking these past few weeks..

[Avinia]

Or actually a majority of the thinking the last few days, especially last night and today.

To start with, I am really thankful that I did not come out to my family when I planned, because I do really think, knowing what I found out recently, things would have become really bad for me. Found out my younger brother is in fact homophobic like I suspected, the part that upset me was he actually admitted it and seemed proud of it.. Since then he has been very vocal about his negative thoughts about LGBT and anything to do with people acting "out of the normal" for their birth genders.

Also, remembered what I learned from my old youth group, about the few gay teens in my area having a really hard time and practically being disowned by their parents.. As well as recalling the very anti-LGBT messages most of the churches have done in my area... Surprising to me is that the Catholic church in my area seems to be the most open to LGBT people.

Anyways, on to what I have been thinking about. I have started to question mainly my idea that I am MTF. My guess here is that I had it in my head that I either had to accept I was born male and live as one, or go all the way and live my life as a female. Very stupid thought thinking about it, but I have been very stupid about a lot of things in my life.

The main thing that caused me to question this, was a friend pointing out that I do not seem like a majority of MTF youth he knows, in that I am not desperate to transition, and am willing to hold off to protect/please my family.

This has led me to think that perhaps I was right about another thought, that I should be identifying as non binary instead. After thinking about that more, I realized that it would make a bit more sense, because I have never really identified totally as either gender.  One thing standing out for me, is when I thought of my future in the past, I never was able to imagine myself transitioning, I was also never able to imagine being 100% male.

Then inside of my dreams, I seem to be genderless. Or a mix of both genders, not 100% as either.

So.. Thinking the right identity for me is probably within the non binary thing. Which actually makes me feel more comfortable honestly.. As well as for the first time in a long time I don't feel like I have to prove I am either gender.

Another thing that has been brought into my mind, is my sexuality. I remember back in my old youth group, I had started to realize I was attracted to men. That eventually led me to finding this forum and deciding I was MTF. Anyways, I guess after the LGBT talk thing in that youth group, I hid my attractions and stuff.

What has changed for me on that side, is I ended up finding Tyler Oakley on YouTube and discovered that a gay/bi person could live somewhat happily. Then my issue became religion, knowing that if I ever wanted to be a Christian it would be considered a sin for me to be in a homosexual relationship...

In the end, I have decided to accept whatever my sexuality and gender identity is. For sexuality I am thinking I was most likely right in the beginning, that I am bisexual. For gender identity, I guess I don't really know, but will identify as non binary for now on, just since I don't feel comfortable as identifying as a female or as my birth gender.

For eventually coming out, when it comes time, I will most likely end up coming out as bisexual first then later on if I find the need, reveal my gender identity. For now I really don't feel the need to come out as either, especially considering if I came out as bisexual my family would most likely bring up the fact that I have never dated either gender so I couldn't know for sure...

Anyways, hope this wasn't too long of a post.. Thanks for not really minding these posts of me just getting my thoughts clear in my head.

[androgynouspainter26]

Your post really resonated with me and where I was a few years ago.  It's really hard trying to figure out exactly what you are, and where you fall on the trans continuum.  Just remember that there is no wrong way to be trans.  Just because someone tells you that "you aren't like other MtF people" or you don't see yourself as a woman in dreams doesn't mean you aren't one.  And just because you feel uncomfortable in your body doesn't mean you can't be non-binary.  I identify as genderqueer; I'm also a MtF transexual...mediating this stuff is hard, but I hope you can do it.  Sending you the best of vibes!

[JulieBlair]

There is a difference between gender identification, and gender expression.  Many people, more than you might expect actually, neither Identify as fully male, nor fully female.  There are links around here somewhere that reference some pre-natal studies of developmental differences that seem to support that.  But that you find yourself identifying as non-binary or even gender fluid is neither weird, nor very unusual.  I live socially a woman.  I identify as something of a blend.

The transition that is right for you is the one that works for you.  There is no correct way, no imperative, no mandatory milestones. 
What is required for you is individual, and best found in conversation with someone trained to help you sort out what you desire, with what you must do.  Therapy is both useful, and enlightening.  If you haven't begun that conversation, I hope that you can.  For me it put things into some perspective, and made me feel less a freak and a fool.

Hang in there, and seek your authentic self every way that is available to you.  The pilgrimage to you has many weigh stations, we have to only walk from one to the next without fear for the magic to work.

BTW, in my humble opinion, gender and sexual identity has nothing to do with sin, and certainly not contained as such in the message of Jesus.  The carpenter was concerned with the brotherhood of all people, acceptance, and forgiveness, rather than the rules of Leviticus.  There are many churches, find one that will embrace you.

Peace,
Julie

[Avinia]

Thinking about it now, I guess I am even more confused now than I was before, mostly due to the whole religion thing that has been added in now.

I would love to see a gender therapist, but as far as I can tell that will be nearly impossible at the moment, unless I convinced my parents I need to see a regular therapist for social issues. I eventually will have to see one though.

The only milestone I have had so far is actually just to talk to my parents about it. I hate to hide something like this, since I know with how I am I will likely end up hiding it until it drives me insane... Might try to bring it up within the next few months though, at least the sexuality side of things since my family has been pressuring me to start dating.

For the church side of things, one of the reasons I really want to get more involved with the Catholic church in my area, is because I know that at least one person there is attempting to make LGBT people feel more welcome there. The only thing that has seriously turned me away from it were mostly the actions of the younger people, and because I know a lot of the older people are more traditional and probably less accepting.

[JulieBlair]

Hmm, Catholicism has a quandary.  Church doctrine is still pretty rigid, but the Holy See is becoming more welcoming.  I would look to the "United Church of Christ" or "Unitarian Universalist" for a welcoming community which will provide a safe place for celebrating your identity.  I think it is important for you to have at least one adult ally to both talk things out with before you speak to your parents, and to provide support and feedback afterwards.

A supportive spiritual advisor may fill that purpose if you have to wait to talk to a gender therapist.

Let me know if I can help in any way.

Ciao,
Julie