Crying every day (again) *trigger warning*

[Jayne]

TRIGGER ALERT
Please do not read this if you are easily depressed

I've been in an almost constant battle with the NHS for a couple of years now to get funding for electrolysis, I've been on HRT for over a year now. The new NHS guidelines now say that this should be one of the first parts of the treatment but my local funding group refuse to fund this despite me having the backing of GP's & my Dermatology department who state that I cannot use make-up & that shaving facial hair is very damaging to my skin.
Apparently my case is not considered "exeptional enough"

Last week I was turned down once again & have become extremely depressed.

As therapy i've taken to writing down how I feel, i'd normaly keep these private but i've had an overpowering urge to share these random scribblings, please do not worry about me doing anything silly as both my support worker & my mother are in daily contact to keep a check on me.

[Jayne]

I ran through the spring with a heart full of joy

I danced in the summer sun basking in the warmth.

I wondered at the beauty of the autumn

I struggle through the wind, rain & snow of winter

Will I ever feel the joy of spring again?

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Sorry you're having to fight this. Know that your battle will make it easier for someone in the future. How's Poopie?

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jayne]

I cannot bear to turn back, each step makes my feet heavy, my legs grow weary.
There is no rest from the torment & scorn, there is no end to those trying to trip me up & make me stumble.
I've stumbled so often I no longer look at my destination on the horizon, I just stare at my feet.

-------

Words have power
The power to create
The power to inspire
The power to destroy
Think before you speak

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Once the cocoon is built only death will stop the birth of the butterfly, i'm in my cocoon & I want to be the butterfly

-------

One Day
One day i'll stop crying when my soul stops dying
One day i'll run free until then i'll flee
One day i'll enjoy the ride right now i'll just hide
One day i'll be myself for now i'll sit on a shelf
One day my heart will sing who knows what that day will bring

One day. . . . some day

[Jayne]

Big hug! Sorry you're having to fight this. Know that your battle will make it easier for someone in the future. How's Poopie?

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks for the hug, Poopie has never been happier since we moved into our new flat late last year, he loves his new garden but I think he likes having his own settee even more.
My support worker is going to try & get my local MP involved in my battle as my options are dwindling, if I can't get funding then i'll have to leave my home town & move to a better NHS postcode, I was born here & have always vowed that i'd never leave.
My other options are to go to the press & kick up a right fuss, take legal action against the NHS under equality laws or rob a bank!

[Jayne]

These are the last two that i'll post today:

Every day I cry, each tear is a drop of my soul. One day my soul will be no more, an empty shell shall walk in my place yet the tears will still flow.
One day my tears may find a seed that shall become a mighty oak under which lovers may find shade & shelter.
Whilst their love may blossom they will never know the sadness that gave life to the oak under which they sit.

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I AM A PUZZLE

I am a jigsaw puzzle, the picture on the box is wrong & only I know the true picture, not every piece is there & some pieces are from a different puzzle.
One day I hope to find what is missing & fix what is wrong.
The world judges me not by the contents but by the shallow picture on the box.
Just like a jigsaw I am easily broken as the world shakes me, every day I have to re-build myself lest I lose the corners.

[suzifrommd]

Jayne, I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with NHS.

You are a wonderful, beautiful person. Your posts have inspired me for years, with your courage, strength, and ability to love shining through every word. It hurts my heart that you need to go through such troubles.

Please remember that regardless of what the NHS says, you're an amazing person who deserves all good things that can come your way.

Hugs from Suzi.