Dysphoria 'Black Clouds'

[Louis and that]

I don't feel dysphoria as often as I think other people do. This doesn't mean I don't have body dysphoria, trust me I do. But when I see something like flat chests or even other trans people who are succeeding better than I am at transitioning at my age, it all comes out. It almost like all the dysphoria I have been holding in just melts and falls out heavily into one .
It's almost like a panic attack, my chest feels like something is holding it down tightly but then it's lifted and I breath heavily. However this is different to panic attacks because the moment of not being able to breathe only lasts a minute or two, then I get depressed and careless. Usually this wave of depression only lasts an hour, but sometimes it can last for days or weeks. People do ask me about this but I just say I am tired, which would almost be true because half of my brain is "What's the point" and tired, while the other half is races saying "You will never be like that/look like that" and that's almost the only thing I think about for what could be weeks.
And when it's over  I feel little dysphoria or none at all. I almost forget my biological sex. If I'm lucky this would last for a few months.
Does anyone else have similar experiences?

[Jessica Merriman]

I had those for 40 years until I started transition. Every day was a struggle to get out of bed and I just existed. For me the triggers were passing dress shops, seeing girls together at the malls and just seeing how relaxed women seemed to be because they were in the right body. Now though, the sun has come out and no more clouds are seen anywhere on the horizon. I can't wait to get out of bed and get into the world. Transition has made the difference in my health and whole quality of life. It is not easy, but what is that is worth the effort?

[mrs izzy]

Louis and that,
Welcome to Susan's family.
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Stay safe and healthy passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy
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[mrs izzy]

I don't feel dysphoria as often as I think other people do. This doesn't mean I don't have body dysphoria, trust me I do. But when I see something like flat chests or even other trans people who are succeeding better than I am at transitioning at my age, it all comes out. It almost like all the dysphoria I have been holding in just melts and falls out heavily into one .
It's almost like a panic attack, my chest feels like something is holding it down tightly but then it's lifted and I breath heavily. However this is different to panic attacks because the moment of not being able to breathe only lasts a minute or two, then I get depressed and careless. Usually this wave of depression only lasts an hour, but sometimes it can last for days or weeks. People do ask me about this but I just say I am tired, which would almost be true because half of my brain is "What's the point" and tired, while the other half is races saying "You will never be like that/look like that" and that's almost the only thing I think about for what could be weeks.
And when it's over  I feel little dysphoria or none at all. I almost forget my biological sex. If I'm lucky this would last for a few months.
Does anyone else have similar experiences?

Anxiety/panic attacks are common.

Having a therapist surely helps.

Not easy dealing with issues that race in the mind.

Depression is a major issue that we have to deal with.

[Jessica_Rainshadow]

I relate. I have those feelings every day to some degree. I see certain women and it makes me so depressed that I can't be who I want. I look in the mirror and see this weird looking person. But then I think about everything that would be necessary to get to where I want to be and its like looking up at this mountain.

[Emmaleigh]

I am slowly learning to move away from my impatience, my need to have it all right now. I am slowly learning that Im not in a race with others to transition better, further, faster. I am slowly learning that there is no one true path, and there is no one true 'happy ending'. I am slowly learning that this is an evolution, and that it can take many turns and twists. I am slowly learning that the one true end-goal I think I see now will quite probably change many times along the way. I am slowly learning that my own story is unique to myself, and my answers will be my own, are not bound by any rules or 'instruction manual', and will not be the same as those found in another's story. I am slowly coming to understand that she has not been allowed to mature at all, and that I have no true knowledge of who she can really become - afterall, Im 60, she's still only 5 or 6. I am slowly coming to understand that she has to develop in her own time, in her own way, that I cannot force her to jump decades into the future in a single leap, and I cannot force her to be someone she cannot be or become.

Acceptance of these statements is not easy, and I have so much further to go in this effort. But, I am slowly becoming more at peace with myself, and feeling maybe I can move forward somewhat more calmly and acceptingly than I have been, just a bit at a time, without quite as much angst and drama as I have been generating for myself these last few weeks. And I am coming slowly to understand that working on this patience is not defeatism.

[Elvis the Pelvis]

JayEm I can really relate to what you've said. Many times I've had to tell myself to slow it down.  I've had to accept that NOW is what it is and relief will come my way.

Louis and that, I too see in others what I wish I saw in myself when I look in the mirror. Personally, I have a lot of things I need to get in order before I start to medically transition. That doesn't stop me from wanting all of the changes to happen right now, and for those changes to be perfect. I have to remind myself to breathe often. Even when I'm in the safety of my own home with my wife, I'll take a deep breath. She'll ask me if I'm ok, and I say yep...and I am ok...impatient, but ok lol

[synesthetic]

my experiences are incredibly similar, i felt like i was reading an excerpt of my journal while reading your post. i actually had one of those panic attack-style things just last night, upon seeing a trans guy wearing a binder. simple things like that really can bring on so much dysphoria - it can be triggered by so many different things and i think a lot of trans people have experienced this as well.

it is incredibly difficult but, if you need to, you can transition. it's always possible, and you'll be happy one day, i promise.