How strange, just read my first post

[Cindy]

I wonder what happened to her?

Such a lonely girl, 2008 was so long ago.

She was so frightened, so alone.

Funny I'm alone tonight and missing my man, what a strange thing, 2008 there was no man in my life and never could be, there were no friends either.

She cross dressed and was so frightened, hidden behind the home curtains, terrified of a knock on the door. Her secret was a terrible thing of fear and loathing.

Now I'm thinking what to wear to work, a dress or a skirt and top, what shoes? Mm I have some high level meetings so a dress and heels, I flip my hair back and like the colour my hairdresser gave me. Bought a cute lipstick, mmmm wear that tomorrow.

Oh one of the guys at the meeting is a bit phobic, so I'll wear an open top to show cleavage.

Wonder what my man is doing, why? It's his life and we have an open relationship. Goddess did I just say that? I have a relationship and I trust him? Me a scared little bunny!

I recall the fear of having my ears pierced, goddess I'll get fired, the breeze on my  legs as I crossed the road on the first day I went to work in a skirt. I recall no fear, I was me. Finally, or so I thought.

I still have a bottle of whiskey sitting on my counter, untouched. It is my trophy, the last one I bought to kill the pain.

Yes I still drink, but now for fun and in moderation, unless it is the time he placed an ice cold Moët on my tummy and  a container of cavier and said, 'Rember that sciene in Casino Royale, Ye I do now. It is our scene.

I see the posts of despair, I'll never pass, I'll never find love, I'm a freak, I'll lose everything.
.
I read my first post tonight. I was a scared little man.

I'm Cindy, and I'm not scared any more. And I'm not a man, never was, never could be. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how he fought.

I read my first post tonight, Janet and Nicky welcomed me.

They told me not to be frightened and that I was now family, Nicky is now a happy New Zealand lady in a steady relationship with a great lady, Janet is one of my sisters who I love.

And me?

I'm not the frightened little man anymore.
I'm me, a little reflective tonight, and so happy.

I read my first post tonight, and I dont know who wrote it. But whoever you were thank you, you  saved whatever soul I had left.


I read my first post tonight and if whoever posted it hadn't done so there would be a very dead little sad man.

But he found Susan's and he found me.

I read my first post tonight.

Thank you
Cindy

[islandgirl]

As I sit hear I feel the tears coming on. I am thinking of where I may be 'down the road'. It fills me with anxiety because of the unknown. Thank you for all your thoughts and information that you have provided through all your posts. The support and kindness that comes through to all of us is greatly appreciated.

Makes me want to come to Australia and give you a big Hug!

[suzifrommd]

And you've since bought a lot of support to the rest of us. That "man" not only saved your life, but saved a lot of our lives as well.

I read my first post often. It's a good reminder of how far I've come and how confused I was back then.

I also frequently read the post that came shortly after from someone who thought I should not be here. I use it as a reminder to make sure my replies to newcomers are welcoming and supportive.

[Mariah]

Suzi, I'm glad you stuck around have been such a supportive influence around here because I can remember my first account on here received a similar reception. When I went back looking for my first post with that account I actually over looked it and had to skim through again. I didn't recognize it anymore and that was from June of 2014. My posts lacked soul and heart that I try to make sure they include now.

Cindy, you really do brighten this place up and are an inspiration to everyone here. I'm glad that frightened man found this place because many of us have benefited from it since then. I went looking back at some of the few pictures that exist of me from the last several years the other night and I didn't recognize the person in them anymore. I couldn't recollect them as being me at the time, but as some other person. There foreignness surprised me. It wasn't something I was expecting, but really goes to show how profoundly we grow as people as we travel down our journey's to bring out and free the person who we truly are. Congrats Cindy!

[Jessica Merriman]

Now you made me read mine! Janet was the first person here to welcome me.

We have both changed a lot since then. Amazing how such a close relationship can begin in and environment such as this. I came here lost, confused and not real hopeful, but you and the others got me to where I am today.

I am glad you made this topic as looking back can show just how far we have come. I got a new life AND a big sister here. 

[Beth Andrea]

*tearing up*

My first posts are all gone...first time I registered I closed the acct after just a few posts.,..second time I went and manually deleted all 300+ posts...somewhere during the process Devlyn asked, what's wrong, hun?"

So I took a break instead of deleting myself...and I am much, much happier as Beth (and full time) than ever when impersonating a man.

Thanks, Devlyn.

etf letter

[BunnyBee]

It is always so awful to confront my old self.  I don't recognize that person at all.  This is why I identify my transition more with the phoenix than the butterfly.  That old person is dust.

She was so scared and lost.  I hugged her tight, and in my most comforting voice I said, "just transition, and be delivered from this misery."

"You'll be the same person just in more appropriate packaging," I told her.

Behind her back I lit a match..

[Devlyn]

*tearing up*

My first posts are all gone...first time I registered I closed the acct after just a few posts.,..second time I went and manually deleted all 300+ posts...somewhere during the process Devlyn asked, what's wrong, hun?"

So I took a break instead of deleting myself...and I am much, much happier as Beth (and full time) than ever when impersonating a man.

Thanks, Devlyn.

I'm glad I said something, but I hope it wasn't that! 

Hugs, Devlyn



Edit: Fixed my post, too!

[Beth Andrea]

LOL...I hate autocorrect!

No, and it has been fist...FIXT damn you autocorrect!

[stephaniec]

my first post was about just having started estrogen 15 months ago

[darkblade]

This post is beautiful.

[Ms Grace]

Thanks for this post Cindy. I remember reading your first post about five months ago (along with a few other people's first post, so I wasn't stalking you or anything). It was certainly encouraging to see the difference between your state of mind when you first posted and the woman you had become.

It is a strange, difficult but wonderful journey we are all on.

[dahliasimone1981]

So....this made me cry. And bravo to you!! I sincerely hope that one day I can be as secure...happy, as you seem to be. My love to you, sister.

[Stevi]

Cindy,

Pure tear-jerking poetry.  Thank you.

Stephanie

[Rachel]

Hi Cindy,

Your post had tears in my eyes.

Devlyn Marie responded first to my first post but you were on the 1st page giving me support and you were there when I was fragile, thank you. A lot of those who were there for me in the beginning no longer post. I am glad you found happiness and are yourself. You are an inspiration and role model.

[Jill F]

I think that most of us can go back, read our earliest posts and immediately realize how invaluable Susan's Place is.   In my 15 months here, I have seen so many scared, confused, depressed and anxious people with questions turn into happy, confident people with answers that I know my time here is well-spent.   

I can't believe I thought I'd need extensive plastic surgery!   Hormones are amazeballs, aren't they?