I'm progessing but heading to a brick wall

[Paige]

Paige, I'm not sure if this helps or not. In one of my early sessions with my therapist I asked if there was someway to make be be a man. Life would be so much easier.

He looked at me almost sadly and said, 'I can change your body to match your brain, but I can't change your brain to match your body'

That, sadly, is what we carry as trans*people.

My apologies if that is unhelpful

Hi Cindy,

Yes this is basically my trap as well as so many others.  I know I'm trans, 52 years of trying to get around this has been useless.   As you said my brain isn't changing, and both of my therapists agree with your therapist that there's no way to stop this feeling.  The question can I live with this act much longer without going crazy and if I do proceed, what will it do to my family.

Thanks for your help,
Paige

[Paige]

I would have to agree with that, but what do you do if faced between definitely losing your marriage, relationship with kids and grandkids, in short, everything that you've known for > 35 years, and being yourself?

The problem that I have is, what if I'm not entirely happy being a woman?  Look at what I've throw away. 

And yet, "experimenting" isn't possible. In my position, with a disapproving spouse who doesn't even have a clue how far that I've gone to try to see what's best, it's really impossible to know.

Hi ElizMarie,

As you know I'm in a similar quandary and wish I had a solution to the dilemma that you and I face.  The only thing that seems to be working for me right now is very small steps.

I thought that I was being very selfish for committing to my transition until my wife told me that I might have been even more selfish by keeping us both in the dark for so long and pretending that everything was OK while almost drinking myself to death and worrying her needlessly because I didn't tell her what the real problem was.   Apparently she wants me here for the long haul.

Selfish and proudly guilty as charged.

Hi Jill,

My wife would prefer me to put up with it.   I've done this for 27 years with her and it kind of hurts that she has known that I've struggled with this pretty well from the start of our relationship.  I guess she really doesn't understand the pain of this no matter how I try to explain it to her.   I love her but as you said this is killing me.

Right now I'm slowly going down the path that I think will give me some answers.  Whether they're good or bad answers I don't know.  What I do know is that going back to my old male life is probably a death sentence.

Thanks,
Paige

[Paige]

Hi All,

So I went to the GP today and he put me on dutasteride for my enlarged prostate and to see if this helped the dysphoria a bit.  I know this is probably unlikely.  He said he would be okay with prescribing me low dose E but I said let's see how this goes first.  I told my wife this hoping she would be relieved that I was taking something that wouldn't cause drastic changes.

Unfortunately she took it as another step down the path and is quite upset with me now.  I don't know that, so how is she so sure about that.  This is just not going to go well whatever direction I choose.   I don't know what I did in a past life to get this karma but it must have been bad.

Take care, I hope the rest of you had a better day,
Paige