Emotions - how to deal with them?

[Lostkitten]

Good stuff. After the new year I gotten a job which is awesome, but very hard as well. Although it is the same kind of job I used to do.. it is for a different kind of employer making it very challenging work. I am still in my test period which lasts a month.

The company is awesome. I know with my voice and all, I don't pass all so well. Tricky thing with that is that my voice sounds better when relaxed and you can guess at the moment I do not feel at my utmost relaxed state. Either way, they address me by my androgynous name (I introduced me this way when I first came in, due my voice/insecurities) but that is fine and already makes me happy and I signed my contract with my full female name. They use pronounces with me as she, girl, etc. The people are really nice and it makes me feel at my place.

At the moment I feel pretty relaxed, like I found my place and happy I gotten a job. On the other hand at home it is rather stressful and it is time to move out (which I plan on doing after the test period). The job is challenging and it doesn't help I probably gotten the job because the second person who made a chance for the job, older than me and thus probably also more experienced gave up on the position being afraid he couldn't handle it. Sure I was one of the last two after even being invited for an interview out of many people.. but I can notice why he mentioned that it is too hard for him. It is hard, and I can feel the pressure. I just hope within a month I can make enough progress for them to trust it to hire me for at least the first half year.

A mixture of feelings, and HRT kicking in after two months. I feel more tired, my emotions swing and together with the fact of having no place of my own to ever relax.. it is rather hard to calm down. I want to push this trough, learn to be the employee they want. Get the place for half a year and hopefully longer. I always been a bundle of hyperactive energy on the work-floor. But now I feel pretty tired. It is harder to focus. I feel stressed but also very happy. Weirdest part of it is that I constantly feel as if I am fighting tears, even if I do not feel sad.

This is probably my HRT kicking in at a poor moment. I really can't afford to be dragged down with these feelings at the moment. If anyone recognizes the emotion swings, tiredness and such, please tell me how you dealt with it. I just have to find a way to cope with the somewhat downsides > _ <.

Tips/suggestions are very much appreciated !

[alexbb]

"the fact of having no place of my own to ever relax.. "

It is VERY important to me to have a sanctuary where I can be alone. To draw, practice make up, sleep, whatever. Its fundamental to my wellbeing.

Apart from that you sound like you have a great attitude, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly!!

"Weirdest part of it is that I constantly feel as if I am fighting tears, even if I do not feel sad."

Im not on HRT yet but i definitely feel that. For 30 odd years I bottled myself up, crushed my emotions down into a flat layer inside me and tried to distract myself with work. Feeling happy now, or seeing a pretty view, or seeing a woman and not feeling jealous but instead clocking her classy shoes, or laughing with friends, or... it all makes me want to cry haha!

you sound like youre doing great i hope i can be as brave and cool as you!
xxx

[Jessica Merriman]

Well, my emotional meltdowns are the stuff of legends here. I was so tied up in my own transition and burning the candle at both ends it almost destroyed me. I had to take a vacation and now that I have been on HRT a while and full time over a year things are much easier to deal with. During my absence I worked on finding new ways to distract myself and just live without constantly remembering my status as trans. After a while away from everything it all just worked itself out. I am now in the routine time frame instead of the honeymoon phase and things are much easier without any effort. I think we all just have to survive the crazy times and things straighten themselves out nicely.

[Tessa James]

Hello Lostkitten, 

Good stuff includes a new job, new stress and a new emotional range to experience with HRT.  Congratulations for making some big positive changes in your life. 

Those emotional swings can be exhausting even if we are responding to a sad movie or feeling very good.  What helps me is to accept this greater emotional depth as a gift of life with more colors and to learn to recognize the early signs.  I now recognize that sense of heat in my face as a signal to grab the kleenex and get ready for tears.  I talk with friends to give my irrational fears or ideas a reality check.  I feel far less anger but seemingly more responsive to how others feel.  I have a sense of giving up trying to control feelings but rather to ride the wave and see how far up the beach we go.  Curiosity is good for me.

I lived a too long time socializing as a man and feeling like emotions could be shut down or just defaulted to all purpose anger.  I once wondered if some were manipulating others by turning on the water works, acting helpless and being such drama queens.  Now I could readily be accused of resembling that remark;-)