my head is so messed up right now

[letmebe_me]

i was going to post some of this the other day but i had trouble getting onto susan's for some reason i kept getting an error page saying - page cannot be found so i kept re typing and refreshing but had no luck for a few days. then when i did get on it kept logging me off and saying error again so i left it and it seems ok now. (did anyone else have this?)

well, where do i start?!

i have some questions and things i need to get out i suppose. any information, experiences, advice, opinions etc would be so appreciated! thank you!

sorry if it gets long and boring and if its things you have heard millions of times before.

i cant stop thinking about this - i am a male trapped in a females body, telling someone etc - it is there nearly all the time. and is really begining to become i guess an obsession. it is making me terribly miserable and frustrated etc. i feel quite suicidal again. is it too much to ask for that i have the body i SHOULD have? i often feel i am being punished.
i desperately want to tell someone but i really am not sure how to say it. or when to say it. who to say it to. etc etc. i worry they will laugh, never speak 2 me again, spread it around, think im a freak etc. i know everyone goes through this so im not saying im the only one but it is just something which is bothering me right now.
i am seeing a general counsellor on the nhs for depression right now and i want to tell her but i just am unsure. and im not sure she deals with that sort of thing. and if i then begin to see another person my parents will be suspicious. no one knows yet. i am scared she may tell my parents as it is a pretty big thing to come out and say.

it kind of feels like living 2 lives. the rare times i get to be my true self i feel almost care free. that isnt very often though and i havent had any treatment so when it comes to using the loo or something, it kinda spoils the good moment. is it possible to live 2 lives and be happy? at the moment im not happy but could it work out do you think?

there r some people i think i am ok about knowing once i tell them but then i know that other people are going to know (in the family). i dont want some people to know. at least not yet.

can you go through treatment without parents etc knowing until a certain way into it? (i live with my parents) i think they will think its a phase or from watching something like boys dont cry but its not a phase! if it is its been with me as far back as i can remember, so a pretty long phase eh?!

how would i get a gender specialist appointment and how much would it cost roughly (in the UK)? what can i expect from the appointment etc?

around how much would full transiton cost?

i kinda want to find a girl who likes me 4 me. doesnt force me to do things the way lesbians do, who accepts me as the male i am. u know? i just am not sure there a girl like that out there. and where to meet her?!

when u get aroused and want to masturbate u kinda wana do it the way a guy does (sorry). and when i imagine being with a girl i imagine me as male bodied not as i am now. it kinda makes me feel depressed that its not what i have. and i end up getting turned off. i HATE to see myself naked, i just feel so sick

my mum always said she was pleased when i was a girl (although they were expecting a boy so it was a shock) as they only have boys apart from me. and she also says things like your pretty or things like one day youl be a good mum and it just makes me cringe! and i wana say i might not have kids ok!!! it also makes me feel guilty that she says shes proud of me and that im the only daughter makes me special and she cant wait to my wedding to a nice guy and when i give her grandkids etc etc. it just makes me feel so awful. am i selfish to feel this way? and selfish to still want to go through with being a full male?

the list goes on. i just dont know what to do i guess when can i escape from this, its destroying me

[Dennis]

i am seeing a general counsellor on the nhs for depression right now and i want to tell her but i just am unsure. and im not sure she deals with that sort of thing.

It's something your counsellor should know, or she's not going to understand all the factors relating to your depression. Ask your counsellor if you can tell her things and she will keep it confidential from your parents. If she says it's confidential, trust her. It is a professional violation for her to lie about that. And, even if she doesn't specialize in gender therapy, she may know or be able to find out who does.

can you go through treatment without parents etc knowing until a certain way into it? (i live with my parents)

Probably, at least therapy, which is the beginning.

how would i get a gender specialist appointment and how much would it cost roughly (in the UK)? what can i expect from the appointment etc?

Your doctor can refer you to a gender clinic. It's covered by NHS. The first stages are assessment.

around how much would full transiton cost?

It's covered by NHS. If you want to jump the queue on surgeries, then they cost between 5k USD and 50k USD, depending on what you're getting and who's doing it.

my mum always said she was pleased when i was a girl (although they were expecting a boy so it was a shock) as they only have boys apart from me. and she also says things like your pretty or things like one day youl be a good mum and it just makes me cringe! and i wana say i might not have kids ok!!! it also makes me feel guilty that she says shes proud of me and that im the only daughter makes me special and she cant wait to my wedding to a nice guy and when i give her grandkids etc etc. it just makes me feel so awful. am i selfish to feel this way? and selfish to still want to go through with being a full male?

It's not selfish to live your own life. You can't always try and live up to people's expectations. You have to care for yourself first, or you're no good to anyone else.

And, as for the girls question, it happens. Eventually, the right person comes along. It could be anywhere - work, school, socially.

Dennis

[freedomfromyself]

wow dude, it's scary how much i can relate to this. i'm 20 yrs old and also living with my mom. i'm seeing a counselor for depression and social anxiety. She knows that i like girls and i came really close to telling her that i think i'm trans the last time i saw her. I started going to this supportish group but it's made up mostly of MTF's. I've been told by them that i really need to start seeing a gender therapist or w.e they're called, but i too do not want to out myself. I've recently told one of my closest friends who just said that whatever makes me happy is fine with her, so that was def. encouraging. However, I'm kind of at a standstill right now, not sure where to go. I went through this obsession stage like for a month a while ago. Since then i've been too busy with plans for college and what not. Thank god, i'm not sure i could have taken much more of that. Days i had off work would be spent in front of the computer one websites such as susans and youtube. everywhere i go tho, i feel as if i can't totally relate or be related to as i'm in such a beginning stage of everything. Something that worries me the most is that i won't know how to relate to guys in the end. I'm an only child who was adopted by a single mother, so i'm kinda lacking in the male interaction area. it's weird tho, cuz my friends dads and neighbor's dad all kind of treat me like a son. Well, i'm just really confused as well, as you can see. Oh and my mom is very similar. Do you have AIM? if so, maybe we could vent or something. I'm really glad you posted this, as i was beginning to think i was a minority in even the trans community.

Peace out,
Brody

[letmebe_me]

hi brody, thanks for your reply. its such a relief. i know what u mean, i hear of many more mtf's than ftm's. but its cool aswel as mtf's can relate to a degree and would be cool 2 swap bodies i have msn - my_silent_scream@hotmail.co.uk which u can email me on or add me if u have msn, it would be great to chat with you some more. by the way im 19. its almost like hearing my thoughts when i read your reply! i keep thinkin how im gona tell my counsellor then i think no way it will be a nightmare i cant tell her! :-/ i duno! any way, hope 2 hear from u soon

Posted on: 20 August 2007, 23:35:11thank you dennis, your reply is very helpful.