Little bit confused

[Squircle]

Hi!

I've recently started feeling a touch lonely. I don't know how ready I am yet for a relationship, but it would be nice to have some intimacy with someone, even if I can't imagine sleeping with anyone until after SRS. Thing is, there aren't exactly many people queuing up to date me, and on top of that, I don't know what I want.

I've always been attracted to women. My only major relationship (10 years) was with a woman (as a man), and I've never really had any attraction to a man. But sometimes recently the idea of being in a relationship with a man has kind of appealed to me. I have a few theories why this might be:

1. I'm seeking validation as a woman
2. Some deep seated societal conditioning is leading me to believe that being with a man 'makes sense'. I'm aware this reason would be about my own prejudices and involve some long repressed attraction to men, and considering I'm very open minded and not at all homophobic and I really haven't had any attraction to men in the past I'm not sure it's a valid cause.
3. After all the trans stuff that currently dominates my life, I just want something straightforward, if that makes sense.

I have considered just trying dating people, both male and female, but I'm concerned that I could end up just leading a guy on whilst I try and figure things out. Even more confusing is that I prefer trans men to cis men. And of course I just don't get asked out, ever, so Im going to have to go looking and put myself out there, and my history drastically reduces the field to the point where I worry I might end up 'settling' for whoever will take me.

This is such a ramble. Has anyone felt the same? Tell me I'm not alone!

[stephaniec]

well, I've been bi all my life and it dose get confusing and your not alone.

[suzifrommd]

Squircle, I'm in pretty much the same place you are right now - always fancied women, but now want to try men. Want to meet a man, but I'm not into casual, so we'd have to go into a relationship, and I don't want to lead anyone on.

Here's what I've come up with: ANY time you're getting to know someone, there's always the chance it won't work out. A third date isn't a promise for a 4th, a 10th date isn't a promise for an 11th. All dating and relationships promise is that you'll give the other person a try and stay as long as it seems to be working.

So I try not to think of it as "leading someone on". I think of it as the natural process of getting to know someone and deciding whether they're right for me. There are any number of reasons it might not work out, most having nothing to do with sexuality or transition.

Does this help?

[mrs izzy]

I think you need to be honest with your own feelings and let what ever happens happen.

Cis or trans*, male or female.

It is hard i know we limit our dating pool due to societies views of trans*

As for the community i would say visit a few of the local support groups in the area.

Not sure how productive a lgbtq bar would be. I am not a bar fly so would have never been something that would have interested me.

As for leading that is something you need to decide when, where and how you bring your medical condition into a relationship.

Hugs, do not ever give up on love.

[Cindy]

The world is a funny place. I never expected a man to even look at me.
We were laying down last night after a weird night (separate story and fun) I sort of decided to compare arms,  as he was wrapped around me.  his are rather larger than mine, "do you love me?' I blurted out for some random reason, no thought in it. 'yes' the reply. Typical guy. why? Typical female. Because  I do.  OK. Fell asleep.

Never say never. you never know on this journey.

[JoanneB]

In my early 20's, back in the era of the dinosaurs, aka the late 1970's, I experimented with transitioning. One of the indicators that I was (forgive me) "trans enough" was being sexually attracted to men. Sure, I had plenty of fantasies of being the woman with a man and could often not orgasm during sex with a woman without getting into that fantasy; but no RLE. That never really came about.

After that failed experiment I did the next best thing as an almost normal male, my consolation prize. I did have a couple of relationships with transwomen. Their options were few back then and a guy who knew just how they felt, wanting to be treated as a woman, and not blown away by dangly bits and especially not wanting them because they are some porn star freak was a win win. Eventually I moved on to cis women to fill my driving desire to "be normal"

It took about another 30 some odd years to finally begin to feel normal. As I am slowly allowing myself to be me, I have found it a bit disturbing how this person who never was sexually attracted to men, is suddenly thinking a lot differently. Probably not so odd to my wife since she has been expecting that to happen some day

[ImagineKate]

I have never been attracted to specific men but in my fantasies of being a woman I've had a strong desire to be wrapped in a man's arms. I've also had a strong desire to intensely make love to one, get married and have a family.

I'm married to a woman now and I don't see that changing. But if I was single I'm now pretty sure I'd be heterosexual.

[April_TO]

I recently got into a relationship with the love of my life and had our first date as a couple yesterday. It was a great feeling to be honest - He was holding my hands all the time and even kissed me in public which sort of shocked me in a good way. He is very proud of me and would always look at me and smile that he found me.

Anyways, love is out there babe. Love hard and let go of your barriers and keep your eyes open.

There's a lid for every pot xoxo

[Mariah]

A relationship was the last thing on my mind when I first started my transition. Yes, I wanted to be in one, but I wasn't in any hurry to be in one. I figured I would wait tell everything is finished and then deal with this issue. Life doesn't always work out the way we plan it and people started seeking me out and I wasn't doing anything special, but being me. I'm currently in a relationship with someone and he is completely understanding and supportive of me. I can only hope and pray you find someone who is as understanding and supportive of you that they want to have a relationship with you. This is the first relationship that I have ever had in my life and that total lack of experience shows. He helps fill that void that I had kept buried for most of my life. You have to find what method works for you along with who your willing to consider when it comes to a relationship too. I wish the best of luck. Hugs
Mariah

[Squircle]

Thanks for all the replies,

I have had an OKCupid profile for a few weeks but never uploaded a photo, so I put one up (the same one as my profile pic here) and set the orientation from gay to bisexual. The next 15 minutes was pretty terrifying, I got a fair amount of attention from men and to be honest it really shook me up, I don't know why. I think it's perhaps a sign that the idea of being with a man may appeal to some corner of my mind, but the truth of it is that in real life I'm just not ready for that. I've switched my profile back to gay now and set it to hide me from straight people, so I'm going to give that a go, but even that scares me.

If I meet a guy in real life who shows an interest I will keep an open mind, but I've yet to feel that spark of attraction. I don't think it would be wise to start dating people without knowing if I'm even interested in their entire gender or not.

I find meeting new people difficult at the best of times so I'm finding all of this kind of daunting!

[Ms Grace]

Squircle, I'm in pretty much the same place you are right now - always fancied women, but now want to try men. Want to meet a man, but I'm not into casual, so we'd have to go into a relationship, and I don't want to lead anyone on.

Here's what I've come up with: ANY time you're getting to know someone, there's always the chance it won't work out. A third date isn't a promise for a 4th, a 10th date isn't a promise for an 11th. All dating and relationships promise is that you'll give the other person a try and stay as long as it seems to be working.

So I try not to think of it as "leading someone on". I think of it as the natural process of getting to know someone and deciding whether they're right for me. There are any number of reasons it might not work out, most having nothing to do with sexuality or transition.

Does this help?

While I agree with Suzi I must say it doesn't take much to lead some guys on. Just being a woman is enough for some if them.

[lilredneckgirl]

you  state  you  are  pre  op,  with  srs  on  the  horizon,  so  just  get  out  there,  have  fun  with  friends,  and  unless  it  falls outta  the  clear  blue  sky  int  your  lap,  quit worrying  about  love. 
  srs  is  enough  on  anyones  agenda.  no  need  to  spoil  that  experiance  fretting  over  love.  or  lack  there  of.  this,  above  all  other  times  in  your life,  IS  YOUR  TIME.

  even  after  srs,  give  yourself  the  time  you  need.    you  have  exploring  to  do  with  your  new  body.  your  mind  will  need  to  adjust  and  accept  these  changes. 
  there is  also  a  great  percentage  of  post girls  that  experiance  at  least  a  minor change  in  sexuality,  some more  then  others. 

give  things  time,  dont  put  the  cart  before the  horse,  and  relax. 

[Squircle]

you  state  you  are  pre  op,  with  srs  on  the  horizon,  so  just  get  out  there,  have  fun  with  friends,  and  unless  it  falls outta  the  clear  blue  sky  int  your  lap,  quit worrying  about  love. 
  srs  is  enough  on  anyones  agenda.  no  need  to  spoil  that  experiance  fretting  over  love.  or  lack  there  of.  this,  above  all  other  times  in  your life,  IS  YOUR  TIME.

  even  after  srs,  give  yourself  the  time  you  need.    you  have  exploring  to  do  with  your  new  body.  your  mind  will  need  to  adjust  and  accept  these  changes. 
  there is  also  a  great  percentage  of  post girls  that  experiance  at  least  a  minor change  in  sexuality,  some more  then  others. 

give  things  time,  dont  put  the  cart  before the  horse,  and  relax.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the advice but I'm past putting limitations on my life because I'm trans. SRS could be this year, it could be next, I don't see the logic in putting my life on hold until then. I'm still relatively young and I want to enjoy my life, and dating is part of that.

I updated my okcupid profile so only gay women can see it. I didn't put that I'm trans in the profile but will tell people if they message me. I've had a few likes since last night and even better no one has guessed that I am trans. I had a really nice chat with a girl who I explained my history to and she said she was still interested. I'm not naive enough to expect it to go anywhere particularly but it made me feel like there are people out there who find me attractive, and once I'd got over the shock of all the comments from men I was even able to see the bright side of that, despite it being  a real eye opener!!

[Ellesmira the Duck]

I suspect you'll find a few people who might take interest. You seem ambitious and your avatar looks pretty cute to me. Good luck and just take it one step at a time. Its probably helpful that you're willing to tell them you are trans if someone takes an interest. I personally fear it biting me in the ass if I tried to hide from it.

[misty2]

Amy, I think this is a great thread, thank you for starting it. I put a link to my stand up comedy video in my OKCupid profile as my method of revealing I am trans.

I tell people they really should watch it before they message me. Also, I think a video really lets them see what they're getting with me. It's so interesting that so few guys actually watch it. I think many guys simply do not read my profile.   Women  watch it.

If you want to see the videos here is a link:





Below I have inserted a screen cap of a typical exchange with a guy who messages after just looking at photos and bails after finding out I am trans. Though, I also see I come across as a little cold, short and sarcastic. I will have to fix that. I probably should not have even responded to his goofy message, but I actually liked his profile (like he wrote, he actually was hot, he owned a construction company... was physically fit. OK, I sound shallow now too.) BUT! OKC said he was a good match! Right? Then it is O.K. right? Also, fine, maybe I am a little bit desperate. Whatever, I responded (but not very nicely as previously noted.) Also, it took me too long to get back to him. He wrote on January 7, I did not get back to him until late last week! I am not setting an example of good customer service, even if they seem to not deserve it, I should be more polite. But in my further defense, when switching to Bisexual the floodgates open (guys have no problem with bisexual... it is a bonus) so I flip my profile back to "gay" to slow the flow and catch up on messages. I am more attracted to women anyhow, but everyone says, "keep an open mind".