Does dysphoria ever go away?

[androgynouspainter26]

What did it take?  What can I do to get there?  I can't even focus in my classes much of the time...I start thinking about my body, my figure, my hair, my "parts"-and it's all I can see for the rest of the day.  How can I handle everything I need to do for school when all I can think about is how wrong my body still is, how I might be too tall/manly figured to ever pass, and everything else.  My life is too difficult as is; I can't handle this on top of everything else.  It's just too much for me.  So...do you really get to a point where dysphoria and your transition doesn't rule your life?  It's ruling mine, and I just want to know that it might all go away, but I can't ever see that happening.  I mean, a friend of mine told me my height and frame was what outed me to her.  I can't ever change that stuff, can I?  I feel like this is going to follow me around until I die, and everyone is always going to see me as a man.  I just want this episode of my life to be over.  I'm honestly asking-what more can I do to get through this?  I know surgery could help, but I just don't have the time (because of school) or the money.  I just feel so helpless...

I'm sorry I've been venting so much.  Things are just really tough for me right now, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to change things anymore.  This nightmare might never end.

[mrs izzy]

Mine did but each step in my transition brought sone relief.

For me mine ended with GCS.

Others is simple as therapy.

Everyone has there own tipping point.

You need to find yours.

Also you need to find the way to control dysphoria and not it control you till you reach that calm.

Easy? Nope!

[Heather]

Yes it does go away I haven't had surgery yet. But as I started living as a woman and people started accepting me as one it gradually went away. Once I have surgery I expect to never be bothered about my gender ever again. But really its all a state of mind. What helped me a whole lot was I stopped trying to be a gender and just started being myself.

[Tessa James]

Last night our local TG support group featured people just starting and some who have been out and post transition for 5, 7, and over a dozen years.  One person noted blending in so well as to feel like an invisible middle aged person.  They describe a life that is far less trans centric and filled with the fun and mundane events of life.  Home, family, jobs and the like.  Dysphoria did not seem to be nearly as prominent an issue in their lives.  I am just starting my third year out but my dysphoria has changed and is more focused, reduced and episodic.  HRT and transition have been mostly a dream come true with a real reduction of dysphoria for me.   

The other d word 'discrimination' may continue as an issue however so no end to challenge in this crazy world eh?  Good thing you are young, talented and ambitious with one heck of a work ethic-- you got a union to grieve those hours Hon?

[Zumbagirl]

My gender transition solved my problem. My SRS surgery put me in the right frame of mind. Now I live in my happy place.

[androgynouspainter26]

You all seem to have made it.  I just can't see that happening.  I see all of these success stories out there of people who are accepted as women and feel good about their bodies...I feel like everyone sees me as some sort of freak and the only people who accept me as a girl do it just to be politically correct, not because that's what they see or think.  I've yet to meet anyone my age who is as miserable with their transition as I am.  I feel like they're pretty, and loved, and accepted, and totally passable and I'm just a mess.  Whoever came up with that "it gets better" BS should be ashamed with themselvs.  If I had known how little things would improve, I'd either have tried to cope another way or killed myself long before I imagined that I might ever come close to being a "woman".

[mrs izzy]

Sorry i have never been or will be ashamed to tell anyone it gets better.

Maybe its your own presentation that is causing others discomfort in how they react?

Relax, breath and just be yourself and do what makes you happy and not put creadence in what others think.

[JulieBlair]

You all seem to have made it.  I just can't see that happening.  I see all of these success stories out there of people who are accepted as women and feel good about their bodies...I feel like everyone sees me as some sort of freak and the only people who accept me as a girl do it just to be politically correct, not because that's what they see or think.  I've yet to meet anyone my age who is as miserable with their transition as I am.  I feel like they're pretty, and loved, and accepted, and totally passable and I'm just a mess.  Whoever came up with that "it gets better" BS should be ashamed with themselvs.  If I had known how little things would improve, I'd either have tried to cope another way or killed myself long before I imagined that I might ever come close to being a "woman".

Made it?  Naw - I only pass when people allow it.  But here is the thing for me.  I pass inside myself.  I have made the choice to live authentically and to accept myself exactly as I am.  When that happened the timeline vanished, the fear quietly left.  How I am perceived isn't any of my business if I am living in the identity that works for me.  I don't make it a big deal to live as a woman, I just live my life a woman.  It is a small word "as" and a giant leaf of faith to transcend.  Frankly, I think you are feminine and beautiful.  Once you do too, all the way to the core of your being, you will be the person, the girl you see in your minds eye.  You're not a mess except to your own eyes.  I don't know if the dysphoria ever really ends,  but I do know that acceptance of life on life's terms is key to happiness.  I do know that you are already a woman.

Julie

[Cin]

At the moment I'm not convinced that dysphoria will ever go away for me.

I don't remember how it feels to have no dysphoria, if that makes any sense

[Ms Grace]

...I feel like everyone sees me as some sort of freak and the only people who accept me as a girl do it just to be politically correct, not because that's what they see or think.  I've yet to meet anyone my age who is as miserable with their transition as I am.  I feel ... I'm just a mess.

Having been in that exact same mind space as you when I was 23-25 I can tell you it didn't get better for me until I stopped the self-negging, the obsessing about my looks/body/ transition and the belief that I was getting nowhere. If you feel other people see you as a "freak" then it's likely that's how you feel about yourself - you're just reflecting that onto others. And of course you aren't a freak, but you have to believe that 100%. Then you might start to notice a shift.

[Cindy]

My 5 cents?

In my case my dysphoria was mind numbing and constant and like too many of us 'controlled' by massive alcohol abuse. Which meant that I didn't have dysphoria until I sobered up again.

I was certain, totally certain, that I would never 'pass' and that any acceptance would be from kindness and pity.

Gradually step by step it decreased, until somehow I didn't notice it, then I was lined up for my SRS, getting the accommodation booked etc and of course reflecting on my step, then it hit me. I'm not dysphoric anymore, my life is totally awesome, I'm sober, I leap out of bed to face the day with excitement; I realised something - after 50 plus years of chronic depression and dysphoria I am so damn happy I could sing.

When did the dysphoria go? I can't recall. What was the step that killed it? I don't know. But I do know that last night I walked into a restaurant in a mid-thigh, body hugging dress and killer heels and every woman looked at me with jealousy and every man with lust; and I felt fantastic

So, in my case dysphoria did go, it went imperceptibly, leaving no trace of the horror it had inflicted upon me.

So what should we do? Take every step slowly, try to keep strong, lean on your sisters here and keep the thought close to your heart that one day you will wake up and suddenly it has gone.

Hugs Honey

[Carrie Liz]

I'm still a long way from having my dysphoria solved or going away, (it's probably going to take SRS and possibly FFS for me before I'll start feeling normal,) but the way I see it, at least it's not as bad as it used to be. At least I can go through the day and be happy and socially-connected to people like I wanted to be, without being a panicked wreck or feeling like I want to hurt myself.

It took me a long time to get there... probably a good 6 months of being full-time and 4 months or so of working a job as my post-transition self before I finally started settling down and the "OMG is everyone clocking me? I wish my body was more feminine so that I could feel more confident" phase finally ended. It's just something that you have to get used to, something where you have to reach a point where you're comfortable with yourself, before you can really get.

So no, my dysphoria isn't solved yet, I still groan every time I go to the bathroom because it's like "sigh... that thing's still there..." and I have a lot of days where I'm not the happiest with my appearance, but again, it's SO much better than it was. The way I see it, at least I'm not dealing with body hair, male bulk, a male sex-drive, and emotions that constantly felt wrong anymore. At least people are seeing the real me and I'm able to interact with the world in the manner that feels "right" to me, even if I wish I was more feminine and more "normal" appearance-wise.

[Jennygirl]

... Whoever came up with that "it gets better" BS should be ashamed with themselves.

It gets better only if you focus on and take action to make it better, that is the part I guess most forget to mention. Not saying that you are like this, but there seem to be a lot of transitioners who think that a happy/ideal life will just fall in their laps as long as they don't miss a dose of HRT. I know this is not news, but there is usually so much more to it! Sometimes it's all mental for a person, and sometimes it's heavily influenced by a feeling of body dysmorphia.

Everyone has different needs to satisfy and different goals to achieve. So if I tell you what worked for me, it is only an example of my own success and may not help you at all. You might have to get crafty with a solution, but still it will be a solution aka step in the right direction.

So with that said, from my own experience:
I have had several of the same feelings that you mention about body image throughout my transition. I still do to some degree. It's most definitely the #1 reason I did VFS, FFS, and soon to be a body contour/feminization surgery via fat transfer (to knock out that "some degree" of dysphoria part). Yes, this crap has been hella expensive. But in the end, every step has been priceless considering how it has allowed me to open up to myself and especially others as a woman. If I had to save up and do it all over again at quarter speed, I would. My state of mind depended on it, and no matter how many other people told me that I didn't need any of that stuff I would not have been convinced otherwise when the research had been completed early in transition. That is kinda what I was getting at earlier, the solutions were always clear to me and I stopped at nothing until I had done something about it- no matter how long it took to research, make a decision, gather resources, and make stuff happen. And now, dysphoria is close to gone.

There are options out there for getting past the body dysphoria part- some surgical and some non-surgical. I am choosing the surgical route because it has helped me with my quality of life so much in the past.

I think you might already have an idea what you need to do in order to tackle this. It is obvious you are one smart cookie. The hardest part can occasionally be admitting to yourself that you want to do something, because along with the admission comes the anxiety of actually making it happen. That is where I think maybe a lot of people get hung up, it's probably a trait that we are predisposed to as humans. Stress does not always have to be bad: it can also be a good thing to get you motivated to make a positive change in your life.

I hope this helps. And don't worry about feeling helpless to yourself, it happens to the best of us. It actually happens to everyone, cis and trans alike. What matters most is that you are able to listen to yourself, find the issues, plan the attack, and follow through. Reward awaits you... It really does get better

[JoanneB]

To paraphrase Cindy, it does tend to go away when you feel better about being you.

Now, figuring out what it takes to feel better about being you takes time. Putting those ideas into practice takes time. Realizing the results takes time. Now, realizing all this you can either obsess over things not happening on your schedule (my problem). Or, always take the time to look back over all the great things that have been happening in your life since you decided to embark on this Herculean journey

[Beverly]

So...do you really get to a point where dysphoria and your transition doesn't rule your life? 

Yes I did get to such a point. I got there by ignoring what others thought of me and just living my life

I know surgery could help, but I just don't have the time (because of school) or the money.  I just feel so helpless...

I have seen too many people go through surgeries because "it will help" only to find that it does not help. Surgery is "icing on the cake" but you need to create the cake first and that is up to you. Mannerisms, posture and especially voice will out you whether or not you have surgery. Even here at Susan's you can find people for whom surgery was ineffective or did not produce the results they wanted.

You need to develop the belief that the opinions of others do not matter. That your opinion of you is what is important. Others can think what they will.

You have also said in past posts that you can be prone to be sharp with people, upsetting them by making pointed replies. I can understand that because such replies are often merited due to coarse, insensitive comments by others, but for centuries, sharp-tongued women have been badly treated. Personally I have learned to keep my mouth shut and keep the comments in. That helped me along. Women are expected not to voice critical comments. It is unfair and it is unequal but when I learned to do it things improved for me.

I'm sorry I've been venting so much.  Things are just really tough for me right now, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to change things anymore.  This nightmare might never end.

If transition is causing you such terrible distress, is detransitioning an option? Which is the lesser of the two evils?

[Mariah]

This thread reminded me of something that I had forgotten about and that is the fact if I'm stressing more over little details that it tends to result in others paying more attention to those same little details too. I had been trying contemplate why I had slight amount of mis-gendering happening lately when it hadn't occurred much for awhile and this sudden rise to occur was really bugging me. It always bugs the heck out of me, but for some reason more so now. One thing that I had noticed is that for what ever reason I hadn't been showing that same confidence in my presentation lately yet I hadn't changed anything. It's true I have always been nit picky about how every little detail is, but some how that slipped into affecting that confidence and as a result a rise in the dysphoria. Otherwise the dysphoria has been low since transitioning and being on HRT except for when I had a procedure to remove a kidney stone a little over a week ago. My dysphoria was high as it ever had been at that point. As long as the bits between my legs are there that is going to happen for me. I can't and won't say that the dysphoria will ever go away completely, but I can say at least for me that it is minor enough most of the time that I can live with it now. For me it's been dealing with gradually the little things that I'm self conscious of that cause me dysphoria. Will more than SRS be required surgically in the end, I don't know. What I do know is that I will deal with each and everything I feel is necessary to keep the dysphoria at bay as it comes up and I have given enough time for other interventions to their work. One thing I know I'm strongly considering, but allowing time for regrowth is hair restoration for a portion of my scalp although at the rate things are filling in I may not need it, but it's still in the back of my mind that I need to be open minded about it. I know the switch to electo on my face wasn't laser is done is coming which will finish off the other item that drives me nuts and that is the little of facial hair that it's clear I don't think the last 2 sessions of laser are going to be able to full get rid of. I hope and wish you find what it takes for you to be able to get to that point where it will go down to a level that you can live. Hugs
Mariah

[androgynouspainter26]

Thanks for the support.  Y'all are great.  Feeling like things aren't going to get better is really hard; I feel like I might need to let go of that future where I'm pretty, wanted, 100% passable, and have a good support network, and a body I can feel safe in...realizing that some things I've always thought I'd have are just beyond my reach is just hard.  Surgery would really, really, REALLY help me, but is out of my reach, and is most likely never going to be on the table for me considering the fact that theatre designers usually make nothing for many, many years.  I'm six feet tall, and my hair is really kinky/short, which means that I might never pass, and I've just been scared that my life might not change.  I've always been good at getting from point A to point B.  I figure out a plan, and I make that plan work.  Now though...I can't figure out a plan.   

Jenny, hon-you're absolutely right, I do need to take action.  But I'm just not sure what action to take.  Your transition is one I envy with ever fiber of my being, but some of it must have come down to luck, the same with everyone else who's had a "successful" transition.  How your body reacts to hormones, height, hair, bone structure, financial resources-I feel like  I didn't even realize that I actually didn't have much going on when I went into this!  I feel both stupid and trapped...also a bit sheepish 

Anyhow, thanks for all the support so far.  I don't anticipate things are going to change much anytime soon, but if it's possible, I need to find a way to make my situation better.  And if it's not, I need to find a way to live with myself-or, not live with myself I guess.  But I really want to change things!!!  I hate feeling stuck like this.  Even so, thanks.  The kindness means a lot.

[kelly_aus]

Jenny, hon-you're absolutely right, I do need to take action.  But I'm just not sure what action to take.  Your transition is one I envy with ever fiber of my being, but some of it must have come down to luck, the same with everyone else who's had a "successful" transition.  How your body reacts to hormones, height, hair, bone structure, financial resources-I feel like  I didn't even realize that I actually didn't have much going on when I went into this!  I feel both stupid and trapped...also a bit sheepish 

I class my transition as a success. Although many wouldn't.. I've had to change my goals a few times, deal with surprises and still haven't ended up where I planned.. I thought I needed to follow that original plan to be happy. Yes, I've had some luck.. I should have waited a lot longer to start both therapy and hormones - I got lucky with some cancellations. But most of it was my own blood, sweat and tears..

Discovering that SRS (or many other surgeries) was not an option for medical reasons.. Realising that hormones were never going to do what I'd been lead to believe they would.. Having a partner die..

And yet, here I am, happy, confident and dysphoria-free..

I have a theory as to why.. Ask me what I am, my answer is a woman.. Not MTF or trans-anything.. Just woman, plain and simple.

It's actually a little more (or less) complicated than that, given that I'm a little NB, but that kinda covers it..