eating disorders

[MrJ]

I'm not sure what the average age on this forum is, but has anyone else dealt with a chronic eating disorder? I was diagnosed with anorexia 8 years ago and have relapsed multiple times, and am currently doing pretty bad. I'm trying to get into an outpatient treatment program but am really busy right now with school and theatre.

I am quite sure that being FTM is a big trigger for my eating disorder. I've always been trying to make my body as androgynous as possible. Everyone seems to expect guys with eating disorders to want to be really muscly but I don't want that, I want to be a stick.

I have to seek help though - in my country, to get surgery covered by the provincial health insurance, you have to go through a certain hospital, and they told me an eating disorder wouldn't disqualify me as long as I was taking steps to deal with it and become healthy. I've waited almost 2 years to get this appointment in March, and top surgery would help immensely.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has dealt with an eating disorder? It's a very isolating experience.

[Future_Tense_Spence]

I haven't had experience with this issue myself, but I can tell you that anorexia and other EDs are actually fairly common among trans guys -- you're definitely not alone.  Ryan Sallans has been very vocal about his own struggle with anorexia and maintains a list of resources on his blog (ryansallans.com).  You can read a piece that he put out for the National Eating Disorders Helpline that describes some of his experiences here:  https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/finding-me-looking-past-surface-discover-my-transgender-identity.

Are you in therapy right now?  (I know you said you're waiting on a particular outpatient program, but seeing someone else in the meantime might be more helpful than you expect).  Obviously, I don't know what the specifics of your area are in terms of number of counselors/therapists, etc., but most counselors (at least in my experience -- I don't have an ED, but I have been in therapy) tend to be flexible and accommodating when it comes to school and other scheduling issues.

Best of luck to you, bro.  I hope things turn around and you're doing better soon. 

[G]

I haven't been thru this so I can't really help but I just wanted to say, best of luck to you.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I don't have any information, but we're here night and day to help with isolation.  Always someone here for you, hon! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[pianoforte]

I know other trans folk who have struggled with eating disorders, particularly anorexia. I can't speak for them/their experiences, but I can say that you are definitely not alone.

I have not had a restrictive eating disorder, but my family has suspected binge eating disorder for a long time. My relationship with food is complicated, and I feel that part of why I am currently obese is related to distancing myself from the femininity of my body.

Same problems, different dysfunctional coping methods, I suppose.

I don't know how often you hear this or how cliche it is, but I feel compelled to include a reminder that an eating disorder (or any other disorder) is not a character flaw, weakness, or failing. It is dysfunctional because it does not solve the problem and/or causes us harm - we are not dysfunctional or defective as people because of this, just complex and struggling to thrive.

I hope you find the help, solidarity, and healing that you need. If you need to talk, feel free to message me. I work a lot but I generally reply.

[Felix]

I feel like eating disorders are way more common than most of us are generally led to believe. I think at least a quarter of my friends and family have struggled with starving themselves or puking or using water pills or whatever. I don't understand what it's like, but I see it as a really normal state of being even though it's clearly unhealthy. I don't know what to say other than you are for sure not alone in your problems. And being trans draws your focus to your body even more, which must make the issue more difficult.

[MrJ]

Thanks for all the support.

[HeyTrace19]

I understand what you are dealing with... I struggled with an eating disorder for about 20 years.  It is very isolating, like you said, and also very difficult to change.  But it can be done!  I was in an intensive day treatment program and also outpatient for a very long time, which was helpful while I figured out how best to transition.  I know that being FTM was a HUGE part of my problem with body image, but I had top surgery ( a big relief!) and have been on T for 4 years, and am doing much better.  Of course, I still have obvious concern about my body and the form it has taken, but all of my eating disorder behaviors have stopped.  It really is important for your body to be nourished well so that you are able to make sound decisions about your health and future.  I am glad you finally have an appointment and are able to move forward.  Top surgery was the single best thing I ever did for myself!!!!  I wish you the best...  Keep checking in here if you find it helpful.  There is a lot of support on this site.

By the way, I am in my forties... since you asked about age.

[blink]

I had anorexia when I was younger. I'm not very comfortable talking about it so excuse me if I'm brief. I'm not trying to oversimplify or treat this as easier or simpler than it is, I just cannot bring myself to talk in depth about this.

The good news is, I got better. My appetite sucked and I usually perceived eating as an ordeal and a hassle, but I got to a point where I ate enough on average. It was hard on me and hard on the person who helped make sure I ate enough (I was lucky enough that someone was around to help). The better news is, post top-surgery and time on T, I'm much better. I have a healthy appetite and the old unhealthy thinking patterns rarely rear their fugly heads anymore. When they do, it's usually in a much smaller way than before and it helps to focus on my goals, and focus on taking good care of my body. For me being strong and healthy is important, and being malnourished doesn't help me achieve that. You said you're busy with school and theatre - being malnourished doesn't help with academic goals either.

Have you considered the possibility that dysphoria is distorting your perception of what you want? If you prefer the slim look, that's one thing. But there's a big difference between healthy and slim, and "stick". Perhaps dysphoria is leading you to think, on some level, that "stick" is the solution. That at some level of thinness, the dysphoria will go away. Intellectually, consciously, it's easy to know an eating disorder only causes problems and doesn't solve any. But subconsciously it has a way of convincing you it's what you need or want, of twisting your perceptions.

There is no level of thinness that takes away dysphoria. I got down to a dangerously low weight and it never helped the dysphoria whatsoever. Not only will the eating disorder never fix your problems but it's jeopardizing an opportunity that will ACTUALLY help you (getting top surgery). Focus on getting your ED treated. Make it a priority. Being reasonably healthy is key to pursuing whatever goals you have in life, and anorexia will take that away from you. So anything that you would prioritize - getting top surgery, doing well in school - remember that getting your eating disorder under control is part of achieving that goal.