I just don't know anymore

[kelly_aus]

Thank you all so much for the replies, they really help. Sorry to come off so strong with essay sized posts and junk. It's just that I am somewhat frustrated (not with anyone here, more the world/my situation), I am confused and I feel as if I am too old for this. As far as passing there is another thread up on the first page here called "why do you think so many are willing to chance transition without 'passing'" and reading through that kinda helped as well. Carmen, I saw you had a thread about needing a brow shave, but you look good - my brow is what I imagine would betray me, in profile I look as man as man could be, hehe. Same for you, Phyliciaraine, truth me told, you look like a younger version of my mother as in you could easily be taken as her sister. I am gonna link you ladies some text I read that really scared the hell out of me:

By approximately age 18, the effect of applied hormones to alter sex begins to diminish, by around age 25 the effect become half of what it was at 18, by age 30, the ability of the body to respond to hormones, as well as the acceptability of the result can drop to one fourth. After age 30, there is little effective difference over time, as the body has become fully mature, and there is no longer any special 'youth benefit' to assist transition.

This does not mean that the older transsexual cannot succeed in becoming a socially acceptable and ultimately comfortable member of the sex they were meant to be, but it does mean that the chances of being truly passable, attractive, and content are significantly less.

Taken from: http://transsexual.org/Whattodo.html

You realise the author of that page is not qualified or any kind of expert, right? She's just another trans woman. She also fails to list any sources for her 'data'. The site also speaks of 'true transsexuals' which really shows the '->-bleeped-<-r-than-thou' card..

Then again I have heard many stories of people saying they were able to pass when they never thought it was possible. Seems like it's all a genetic crap shoot.

Passing is more than just looks.. Way more.

YOU ALL, I am not the best at conveying my thoughts through the written word, but I really do appreciate discussing this stuff as it is helping me to better understand myself so I can actually deal with this medical system, family and myself. Even if it doesn't seem so, I am so very Humble and I honestly appreciate what you all have to say just as much as some clipboard wielding guy in a lab coat because you all have life experience which in my opinion rivals a degree and a bunch of letters next to one's name.

No, we have our own experiences. My gender therapist had the shared experiences of 100's of other clients to share with me. Never saw a lab coat.. Never saw a clipboard. Just talked with a guy who had some empathy for the way I was feeling, who had helped people like me before. He also failed to have an agenda beyond ensuring I got the help I need.

If I could only get over my intense fear of not being able to pass, or "living for others" as one poster put it, maybe I could make some progress. I am not vain, I don't care if I was "ugly" woman, I just fear being a guy with long hair and a makeup and being abused/ridiculed because of it. I crumble at the first sign of abuse because I am scared, timid and weak. That and I want to be absolutely sure what I am doing is the right thing and I am in fact suffering from some gender disorder.

Thing is, you are never going to know if you pass or not unless you take the plunge.

[Petti]

Thank You so much, Kelly. I am going to go to my therapist and really tell her about these issues I have and she what she says. I need to be a bit more dominant here as in telling her that [traditional face-to-face] support groups are not for me and that I *really* need some attention given to my gender issues. It feels like I am being ignored as some bi-polar having, manic, confused nutcase and it hurts. Last time I met with doc (only meet doc about once month, but therapy twice a week), he suggested that I go on ANOTHER medicine in addition to the two I take. I don't know if my depression/bi-polar issues stem from gender issues or if it's the other way around.

Thank You also for picking apart that site I linked. I am just going 1000mph here reading this and that and clearly not everything I read is to be taken at face value, a mistake I am making. I found a thread here about other girls who transitioned in their 30s and I've been reading through that and it helps. It's many pages long, though - so I am not done <3

About passing and taking the plunge as you say, one area where I am quite "gifted" is in my movements, the way I stand, eat, etc. I did some reading on movement, and realized how much of it already exists or comes pretty naturally to me. I might not have the looks, but I can easily carry myself in a way that many would take as rather feminine. The biggest challenge for me, it seems is VOICE. Imagining my voice going from what it is now to one that's passable is a further stretch of the imagination than my raw looks becoming passable. Looking at other girls on videos and whatnot, it seems to be voice is the ultimate betrayer and I imagine it being very hard to fine tune.


Kelly, you and others have really helped me a lot here and I really want you all to know I don't take any of it for granted. THIS right here is me in the support group they told me to go to, and I am so appreciative of all the help provided to me here. Sorry if I come off in any way unappealing, desperate, disrespectful, trollish or otherwise bad. Also sorry for my rather long, rambling posts.

Thanks for putting up with me.