Hi all.
Let me get this out of the way right up front: I am the privileged. For the vast majority of my life (I'm in my 50s), I have been a straight, white, cis gendered, male from birth male. I'm not here because of that, but I don't want to hide it.
The truth of The Now is that I am a confused, struggling, searching person who feels extremely genderfluid and hasn't the slightest idea where this is taking me.
From then to now: Early last year, as part of my (female) partner's and my efforts to expand our sexual play into kink and poly areas, we got in touch with the incredible therapist Alex (Sabrina) Morgan. And the deeper into our explorations we went, the more I discovered that not only was I attracted to trans women and men, even more I discovered that I didn't care about the gender of the person I was attracted to. I was attracted to who I was attracted, and while this was in many ways a wonderful expansion of my life and sensibilities, it's pretty confusing to come to this after decades of cis male on cis female play.
I'd always been one of those (so I'm told) rare cis guys who very much enjoyed the company of women over that of men. To put it in it's rawest, most cliched way: I prefer talking about people, relationships, and emotional connections to cars, sports, house-maintenance and how to bar-b-que food. I don't follow football (even thought I live in Texas). At neighborhood parties, I am hanging out with "the wives" a lot more than the men. Etc. Yes, highly-cliched, but keep it in mind. And I've always been that way.
As I worked with Alex, I found that not only were these feelings becoming stronger, but they were moving into the realm of identity. During partnered or solo sex play, I wanted my body to be different: I wanted a smooth, hairless chest and torso; I wanted breasts of my own to squeeze and touch; I wanted to be penetrated. I'm reasonably sure for many folks here this is pretty small or minor stuff, but for a lifelong cis male, it's huge. In short, I started to wonder about both my orientation and my gender identity.
On the other hand, I am quite comfortable with my male body the vast majority of the time. Even more, I have little desire to date or engage in sexual play by myself with a straight cis man. On the other hand, in multi-partner play with my partner, I can easily imagine playing with another man. And my sense of self currently is very sex play-specific. But further, I realized that if I fell for person, I wouldn't care if they were cis or not; I would want to be with the person. But my feelings and self-image are changing and developing so fast I have no idea where it's leading. Hence my current "genderfluid" stance. So I was hoping to find a community that might provide some support and Alex suggested here.
So here I am. I promise that I will do my very, absolute, level best to not presume or assume, use the right, accepted terminology, not troll, and absolutely, positively not treat this as some kind of dating site where a stupid, ignorant cis guy can find a trans partner to do his "experimenting" like a "bi until graduation" college student. That's not my goal, my intent, or my plan. I am struggling with my sexual identity, and hope to get some thoughts, support, advice, and pointers as I explore this exciting/terrifying new territory. So I hope you all will be a little patient and gentle with me during my journey. Because it scares the heck out of me.
Thanks for reading. Truly.
