MTF and scared about my "male" identity

[Ive]

Hello everyone,

I'd like to share with you some pain, concern and fear about what is happening to me. I know probably it is normal...
Well.
It's since last Mach 2014 that I realised that the life I was living was driven by what, in my mind, should have been my track, a "male" track.
I was 31. I firstly discovered to like boys (I'm male-bodied, thus was a boy), and then that the thing that I could not be able to understand about me and my feelings was due to the fact that I was pretending acting as a male... while I was not...
After some months I understood that I was a transgender girl, and I always knew there was something wrong, or, to say better, something that I was not able to understand: life.
Since then I evolved a lot, and I "found my identity".
The problem (if it is a real problem) is that I feel VERY different from the boy I used to be (or used to act). This scares me a lot. And I feel sorry for the people I know, as I am a different person from the one I showed them for ages. I feel this difference as huge.
Anyway, I also saw that in the end I'm the same person.

My concern is about the fact that sometimes I'm scared by myself, that is by my true female identity and my male identity. This blows my mind...
It is so different! I could be two persons like this?
Thinking carefully, it is like acting, and acting like a guy or man it is easy, and I was (and still am) accustomed to it.
On the other hand, I know who I am, and I'm a girl... with a penis, and beard, etc etc.
And it scares me a lot this my "male identity".

Someone has had this feeling too? How?
I just want to know, talk, share...

Maybe I'm passing too much time behind these walls, writing down my final thesis (for ending a PhD - that I don't know why I'm doing), and I'm don't experiencing nothing special.
Now I'm 32, and walking very slowly, with a psychologist from the sexology group from the hospital of the city where I live (Portugal) at my side.

Thanks a lot everyone
E.

[katrinaw]

Dysphoria is a scary thing as it effects people in different ways... It can be very disconcerting, some handle it well, others not so...
I have learnt from the dark ages through to todays (enlightened?) ages to manage my identities... I do hate managing both hence why I and others go into a "denial" phase at times and some are confident or driven enough to jump in "both feet" without denial's (wish I could be like that)

The concerns should vanish as you move into a more womanly look to your body (and mind), the Dysphoria generally subsides as you approach or commit to full time... however it is very different person to person.

I still juggle Dysphoria, but this year I will say goodbye to Dysphoria (...as long as I can raise the courage to let down my whole family  going to have to be strong, brave and self supportive, can't waste anymore years!)

Love Katy 

[JoanneB]

After 50 years of mostly avoiding dealing with the trans beast, six years I decided to take it on for real. Transition was THE last thing on my agenda, been there, tried it twice. My main goal was to take these two (if not more) separate aspects of myself and join them together into one whole healthy and hopefully happy person.

[Beth Andrea]

One has to find the balance between male and female that works for them...some are 98% female and only 2% male, or 50/50, or 72/28, etc. Most are not so well defined, instead are a range in between (or outside of) the binary of male-female.

Consider transition to be a kind of play-time where "you" can play as either, both, or neither. From this playfulness you will learn what works for you.

[Steph34]

I also found it more comfortable to present as male when my T level was high, because it was the path of least resistance and I feared negative attention if I did otherwise, but I knew it was a false identity built on lies and hormones that never felt right. A truly fulfilling life as female will require shedding that identity. From a mental perspective, HRT really helps. The physical effects of a masculine past are much bigger problems. While some trans women complain of thick facial hair and a deep voice, I have my own problems - like MPB and a disproportionately large waist - that make passing difficult. Worse yet, HRT seems to have been rather ineffective at feminizing my appearance. What it has done is remove any doubt that I am fully female at heart.

What has helped me lose the male identity:
1) Estradiol. This is a true miracle substance, and I feel so foolish for ever questioning its place in my body. When I am on E, it is impossible for me to pretend to be male, and I have tried.
2) Coming out. Once people knew I was trans, I felt like they already knew my deepest secret, so why not go all the way?
3) Wearing women's shirts. Dressing as female reinforces my feelings.
4) Communicating with, or even simply observing, other women (cis or trans) and trying to imitate certain characteristics
5) Using my female name whenever possible

Testosterone does not just cause one to look male; it also makes one act male to a certain extent. When my testosterone was at a male level, I became agitated over minor inconveniences. I went outside alone when it was 23 degrees. And yes, I looked more masculine with each passing year. That was what people saw. I told everyone I was "male." With that said, my slow rate of masculinization over many years always reinforced my belief that I was meant to be female; puberty seemed to do nothing until I was almost 20. I still pretended to be male because it was the path of least resistance. Yet, I knew it was not really me, that it was a fake identity based on a severe hormonal imbalance, and suppressing it was always on my mind. Unfortunately, people saw my constant (and futile) suppressive attempts as 'male OCD' rather than being transgender. For years, I saw my gender as "more female than male" or "80% female." I figured I could not be a woman anyway, since I was in a male body, and skeptical of the effects of hormones, but I knew I wanted to be female and had many feminine traits.

HRT removed any doubt I had. When I am on estradiol, I 'feel' like a woman; no more 80%. Everything about feminizing just feels so right; it is naturally rewarding just the way eating is. No one has to tell me why it should feel good, nor do I ever feel a need to question it. It just does.

[Ara]

I'm pre-everything.  That said, I'm comfortable saying that even if I were to transition I'd still feel like the same person, just my appearance and body would be different.  I've also identified as non-binary for a long time, and I still identity as androgynous mentally.  I don't think my mind will change that much as my biology does. 

It's not important if you "act" like a man or "act" like a woman, because in the end all you need to be is a person, and be happy.  Just find who you want to become, and work towards that.  It really isn't that important that who you want to be fits a certain stereotype.

[LordKAT]

I think Beth hit it. You may be somewhere in the middle and that is OK.

Once you find yourself, it is easier to just be yourself. I think all young people go through a search into who they are, most just don't have the dysphoria part to work through, too.

[Ive]

Thanks everyone for your replies
Still don't know, oscillating a lot, but let's see.
Today it rains, maybe that's it!

[Steph34]

I think Beth hit it. You may be somewhere in the middle and that is OK.

Once you find yourself, it is easier to just be yourself. I think all young people go through a search into who they are, most just don't have the dysphoria part to work through, too.

The problem for many of us, myself included, is that we can't "just be ourselves" while our bodies are producing hormones in ratios totally inconsistent with sense of self. For years, I considered myself 75-80% female and 20-25% male. I was dysphoric because my body looked the opposite, like 75-80% male and 20-25% female. (I know; that is not so bad, but it took a lot of effort to maintain that 20-25%.) Without medication, continued exposure to birth sex hormones leads to further development of the 'wrong' body, even in adulthood, and said development is undesirable to the extent that it is inconsistent with one's sense of self. I started to transition when I realized that any trace of femininity would otherwise soon be gone.

HRT can affect self-perception as well. The blissful feeling I never knew until I tried estradiol took away any doubt in my mind that I am female, and that I so want to live that way as to try even if I can't pass. Since starting HRT, coming out, and wearing women's shirts all the time, I am no longer hesitant to consider my gender 'female.' It is important to remember that most cis women do not fit all gender stereotypes either, and that does not mean they are mixed gender. Walking in the woods alone does not make me 'male.' If it did, then my cis female sister would also be 'male' because she watches sports with my father. I think there may be a tendency for trans women to deny a part of their femininity in order to delay or avoid the time, financial cost, and social risks of transition. I did that for years. Now I will have to live the rest of my life knowing that I suffered through a 'lost decade' and missed out on an opportunity to be a beautiful and easily passable woman. I would not wish that on anyone.

[mfox]

I felt the same way!  Presenting as a guy was never natural.  It hit me at 14, a time when a girl in my class said "Is your voice okay?".

I didn't know about trans or gender dysphoria, so I came out as gay.  No one questioned a fem gay boy.  I was happy to date either gender, but dating guys worked out better anyway; the girls I met always wanted manly traits I didn't have in me.

I didn't think I would change that much either.  But 8 months into transition (3 with HRT), I look so different; my old driving license is probably invalid (good riddance facial hair).  Seeing an increasingly girl-looking person in the mirror has a huge impact on my sense of self, and people treat you differently.

I would be really shocked if anyone posted that they felt like (or were treated like) the same person before and after transitioning.  This doesn't get enough attention, especially when you think about social networks.  I had a little Facebook-burning party; I didn't really want my friends and family to be able to look back and see my transition (and early-trans faux-pas!) in full color gallery format.

[kelly_aus]

I would be really shocked if anyone posted that they felt like (or were treated like) the same person before and after transitioning.  This doesn't get enough attention, especially when you think about social networks.  I had a little Facebook-burning party; I didn't really want my friends and family to be able to look back and see my transition (and early-trans faux-pas!) in full color gallery format.

Then you might want to be a little shocked right now. Transition, in the end, has been little more than a change in labels and packaging for me.. Guess it's the result of never really having managed to be a man, I've always just been me..

[Jenna Marie]

(I'm another who thinks I'm basically the same person... not treated the same, but I don't let how other people treat me define *me,* anyway. I've changed and grown, sure, but I've been changing and growing my entire life. I don't feel like there's a disconnect between my pre- and post-transition self that makes me anywhere near a different person.)

[Kellam]

Being male always felt like a pose, but everyone around me seemed to think it was the role I was born to play. So I played it with vigor. At least outwardly. I was into punk music as a young person so I claimed to be a skinhead (anti racist, lefty) the most macho pose I could find. I took my tomboyish love of running, jumping and playing in the dirt to ridiculous proportions. My male friends still tell stories. It was struggling to move ahead with the last two escalations, and I always felt I had to one up myself, that I came to terms with myself. Now I want to shed those as fast as possible. One of my last manly lies was that I wanted to live on a sailboat. I bought a boat last year that needed a touch of work and I have been litteraly avoiding it ever since. Same too with trying to walk 260 miles in less than a week. Both of these ventures just felt wrong but all the guys were so excited. Today I took step one, all the boring books I bought about sailing, Tech manuals etc. are to be sold off. When the snow clears and I can get good picks of my boat I will sell that too. I just want it all gone.

Before acceptance, and I haven't started any treatments I'm just dressing in semi stealth, when I looked in the mirror and I would see an unhappy man. But he is gone now. Yesterday, I had to get all manly and go visit my best friend. Even fully clad in men's outerwear the person in the mirror read to me as female. Becoming consciously aware of my dysphoria has created a wall between myself and the man I once tried to be. Hanging out with my buddy, I had a hard time, the worst ever, trying not to act girlie. I slipped a dozen times, he even called attention to a couple of them. I think he'll still be my friend when this is over. He's been there for me through a lot. But the relationship is going to change. I knew when I knew that everything was about to change and I am willing to accept that if I have a chance to be happy.

The man I presented as was never me and I'll be glad to see the back of him. But I can't erase him either. I had self published a memoir with a lot of his exploits detailed in it. I'm Not sure if I should now pull the book, pull it and rewrite it or let it stand. I have considered too turning him into a thuroughly fictional character and writing his exploits out as the masculine fantasy he represented in my life.

Keeping up the pose is just going to get harder, so I am just going to release.