Coming out with children

[Jessica_Rainshadow]

So I'm on the path right now where I am probably going to start hrt. I haven't fully committed but I'm close. My main concern at this point is the fact that I have a 3 year old son and another one on the way (that was a big surprise!). Like any parent I want the best for my kids and I want to protect them from all the awful crap in the world (not possible I know), so I'm not only concerned with the direct reaction and acceptance but also with the reality of parenting as a potential trans woman (ie playdates, school functions, etc). If there is anyone on here who has come out/transitioned while having young children I would be really interested in hearing about your experiences!

[ImagineKate]

Hi Jessica,

I have 3x 4 year olds, 2 girls 1 boy (triplets.)

They are largely unaffected but the biggie is when I go FT and their school knows. Thankfully anti bullying laws are strong in this state and the school has a zero tolerance policy.

At home there are really no issues other than they asked "Daddy WHY are you wearing a dress? Dresses are for GIRLS." to which I replied, "Daddy is transgender, which means daddy is a girl on the inside. Daddy is taking some medicine and seeing a doctor so I can look more like a girl." Then they really haven't bothered me and say things like, "OK daddy I always love you. You're a pretty girl."  Their mom seems to be more upset than them. Young kids will be fine, it's older ones like teenagers you have to worry about, especially if brought up in a transphobic household.

Play dates I'm not sure yet but they have each other to play with so it's not that big of a problem.

My therapist did suggest that I look for an alternate nickname for them to call me because calling a girl "daddy" in public is going to cause problems. My son in particular is very loud with it. He points to everything, daddy this, daddy that, daddy look what I did, daddy there is thomas (the train). I love him though and it probably doesn't bother me as much that he does call me daddy because I will always be his daddy. I visually pass (and you seem to as well) so it might make people more confused rather than outing me.

Anyway I'll be sure to post updates as to how things are going as I go further along. I'd imagine there will be some stuff after I do drastic changes like VFS or after a while on hormones. Today marks 2 months.

[Jessica_Rainshadow]

Thanks for your reply Kate. It's nice to hear from someone else in a similar situation. Please do keep me updated. I guess I do worry less about their reactions to me than about their well-being and safety. Bullying and discrimination are very real and I don't want them to have to go through that. We live in a relatively progressive town so hopefully those kinds of things would be minimal.

[Felix]

Anyone who gets judgy about what your transition does to your kids needs to go deal with their own stuff. Children accept the narratives they are given and are always okay with who you say you are. In my experience, bullying is only a problem with kids who have vicious parents, and even then it's not too serious until middle or high school.

Keep it simple and straightforward though. Children pick up on emotions.

[Wanderer]

I'm so glad to see this thread! I posted a similar question on another thread and I now realize that it was kind of off topic for that thread. Oops. 
Maybe it's easier to tell kids about it sooner rather than when they are older, like a previous poster said if. It could  be more difficult with teenagers. Since I'm still uncertain how much I want to transition I don't know what I should do in terms of telling my kid.
I'm interested to hear other people's experience with this!

[michelle82]

Hi Jessica

I have a 3 year old girl and in very similar boat as you. I'm in the early stages of transition, and will be starting HRT in about a month. So i actually haven't felt the need to really "Come out" to my daughter. Because i feel at her age, its not really needed to explain anything in great detail. She can see that I'm slowly transforming and looking different, but its no different to her. When ever she does ask any questions I'm always willing to answer them.

I think at some point soon, I will just tell her that i'm transgender and try and explain what that means as simply as possible for her age. And as you probably already know, 3 year olds like to repeat everything they see and hear. So we need to be prepared to deal with what she might tell to strangers, child care providers, or potentially anyone else they doesn't already know about us. This has already sort of happened to me on a few occasions.

In terms of social situations that you mentioned (play dates, day care, school events, etc). Because i'm not really full time, i haven't had to cross this bridge yet, but i have been giving serious thought about it. My basic plan is that for any people that already know me as a male, i will give them a heads up prior to going full-time. At the present time this only would be her daycare school.

I don't even want to think about when she starts grade school and junior high. I think i will just deal with it when the time comes, and just hope by that time I'm passable enough,comfortable enough, and proud of myself and not care what other people think of me.

[Muffinheart]

Delicate topic, for sure.
When I came out to my ex 7 years ago, she at first said "I'll support you."
What she didn't think would occur, is I would take it further. Two months later I was living full time, then she decided it was best not to expose my daughter who was 6 at the time.
I've spoken to many people, and while I could technically go see my daughter, I have a hard time trying to push my agenda on her.
Most women I talk to say it was hard for my ex, her family and friends to have to understand what I did. And, the fact my daughter went through a divorce. But, to also throw on top of it all, I transitioned.
7 years later,  while I miss my daughter, and I know I'll see her one day, I feel I made the right decision.
DOn't think I cry about the situation - I do. And I miss her terribly. But, I really don't know how to approach this when my ex won't answer even my emails.
I wish you well...maybe you can teach me what worked for you.

[ChiGirl]

Being trans and married is hard.  Adding kids into the mix takes up to 11. 

I have a 14 year old daughter and she is confused.  I've reminded her that I will always be her father, but she won't talk to me how she's feeling.  I'll ask her and she'll change the subject.  I don't want to push her, but I want to answer her question.  All I know is what my wife tells me and I just don't know if I trust what she says.  She says my daughter is scared, cries all the time, and isn't sure she wants me around.  I can see the first 2, but I don't get that feels good on the third. 

[Jessica_Rainshadow]

I haven't had a chance to get on here for a bit, so I just want to thank everyone for their replies. I do think the fact that my kid(s) are young is a good thing. Being a teen is so difficult and full of insecurity anyway that I can imagine it would weigh more on them. It definitely depends on the kid however.

I know I shouldn't worry about what other people think, but of course I do, especially when it effects my kids. These really are the years that shape how they look at the world and I want them to have a loving environment more than anything. I know that no matter what our relationship status is my wife and I can provide that, but I can't help but think about how awful people can be. Not just other kids, but adults. That's kind of pessimistic, but it's also reality. Unfortunately 'passability' has a lot to do with how well I, and therefore my kids, will be treated, and of course that worries me to. My therapist says I shouldn't worry so much about passing because I'm doing it for me. Well yes I agree, and if it was only me it would be different, but the fact is is that the way I look will have some effect on how my kids are treated, at least at certain times. Still, just being able to be comfortable with myself will really be a positive thing for everybody involved! Anyway, I think the best way to deal with this is one day at a time. Really, I have had a lot of support and positivity from those close to me as well as even from perfect strangers. I can only hope that continues!

[ImagineKate]

Hi Jessica

I have a 3 year old girl and in very similar boat as you. I'm in the early stages of transition, and will be starting HRT in about a month. So i actually haven't felt the need to really "Come out" to my daughter. Because i feel at her age, its not really needed to explain anything in great detail. She can see that I'm slowly transforming and looking different, but its no different to her. When ever she does ask any questions I'm always willing to answer them.

I think at some point soon, I will just tell her that i'm transgender and try and explain what that means as simply as possible for her age. And as you probably already know, 3 year olds like to repeat everything they see and hear. So we need to be prepared to deal with what she might tell to strangers, child care providers, or potentially anyone else they doesn't already know about us. This has already sort of happened to me on a few occasions.

In terms of social situations that you mentioned (play dates, day care, school events, etc). Because i'm not really full time, i haven't had to cross this bridge yet, but i have been giving serious thought about it. My basic plan is that for any people that already know me as a male, i will give them a heads up prior to going full-time. At the present time this only would be her daycare school.

I don't even want to think about when she starts grade school and junior high. I think i will just deal with it when the time comes, and just hope by that time I'm passable enough,comfortable enough, and proud of myself and not care what other people think of me.

I kind of discussed this with my therapist.

A heads up can be a good thing, or it can work against you. You know the old saying, "it's often better to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission."

As for kids repeating things, I trust my kids not to. I don't think they have.

However I show up to the school dressed androgynously, with polished nails and even lip gloss. I've gone a ton of times after electrolysis with my facial hair removed in places and my face swollen. Nobody really says anything to me. Even the principal sees me and she doesn't care. She cares more about my kids and what they do in the classroom. 

The other thing is that kids this age are more accepting. Let's face it, around 3-4 years old they're just learning about gender and gender roles. I never got any questions about my attire until they turned 4. Then it was like, "daddy why are you wearing a dress?" nearly constantly. So I explained it and they were fine. So maybe it is better to get them while they're this age before the cisgender binary stuff is reinforced in their heads. You know how it is with transition, it is difficult to undo stuff.

Anyway everyone is different, but just thought I'd share a few things from my perspective and experiences so far.

[jeni]

I just started HRT a few weeks ago and have 3 kids in the house. They're 8, 4, and 1. I have not talked to any of them about this at this point. At bedtime, I have women's pajamas that I wear. My wife's theory was that I could just wear that and they'd not even notice... nice theory, but the moment my 4-year-old saw me, she asked, "Daddy why are you wearing girl PJs?" Ha!

I just said, honestly, that I liked them and that was that. No more comments at all. It's just what dad does and there's no framework, even for the 8-year-old, that suggests it's weird or bad in any way. (Depending on your wife/family background, that may or may not be true, I suppose.)

My plan is to outwardly transition in the next 2-3 years. Given that, I expect my 1-year-old will have zero memory of my male presentation. My 4-year-old will have vague memories, but more likely "dad" in those memories will be replaced by a memory of a female version of me. Maybe she'll remember that I did change, but I don't know. My 8-year-old will remember pretty clearly. But even he does not yet have awareness of gender and sexuality issues that are sophisticated enough to really understand what this means. He will soon, but not yet. Still, I think he may have some difficulty with this, particularly because he'll then be the only male in the family.

But they'll all be ok. School / peer / playdate issues are more worrisome to me, but we'll deal with those as they come. I'd say I am concerned but not really worried, I guess.

[Muffinheart]

Jeni,

If it helps, my therapist said kids today are way more resilient and aware of things that our parents never were exposed to.
I hope, and pray for you, that your kids will see you as a loving parent first...and they will if your wife works with you

[michelle82]

I kind of discussed this with my therapist.

A heads up can be a good thing, or it can work against you. You know the old saying, "it's often better to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission."

As for kids repeating things, I trust my kids not to. I don't think they have.

However I show up to the school dressed androgynously, with polished nails and even lip gloss. I've gone a ton of times after electrolysis with my facial hair removed in places and my face swollen. Nobody really says anything to me. Even the principal sees me and she doesn't care. She cares more about my kids and what they do in the classroom. 

The other thing is that kids this age are more accepting. Let's face it, around 3-4 years old they're just learning about gender and gender roles. I never got any questions about my attire until they turned 4. Then it was like, "daddy why are you wearing a dress?" nearly constantly. So I explained it and they were fine. So maybe it is better to get them while they're this age before the cisgender binary stuff is reinforced in their heads. You know how it is with transition, it is difficult to undo stuff.

Anyway everyone is different, but just thought I'd share a few things from my perspective and experiences so far.

thanks kate its good to hear from people who are on the front line of this. It seems that most trans folks don't really end up with the additional obstacle of having small kids. As if personal transition isn't hard enough we have to keep our children's best interest in mind as well.

But i totally agree i think that because they are young, it's a perfect stage to educate them about the differences of the world, before the binary gender ideas become too ingrained. The hope is that they stay open-minded about it as they grow up though. Because we all know grade school is tough on kids, in terms of bullying, and teasing, and all that nasty stuff. So i'm sure that what was once acceptance as a young child, could turn into hatred or embarrassment as they grow older.

this is a great thread to post experiences i think. I will also update progress i have with my daughter!

[jeni]

If it helps, my therapist said kids today are way more resilient and aware of things that our parents never were exposed to.
I hope, and pray for you, that your kids will see you as a loving parent first...and they will if your wife works with you

Thanks. I really don't worry about that at all. And my wife is unquestionably, enthusiastically on board, so that's not a worry either. (If anything, we're less likely to split up this way!)

[ImagineKate]

Wow so today out of the blue my daughter asks, "daddy are you a girl?"

I paused for a second and said, "Yes honey, daddy is a girl. Daddy is transgender. Remember I told you who transgender people are." She smiled and said,"yes daddy."

So maybe she's "getting it"

Maybe it was how I was dressed. Today I wore my lovely sweater with the flared bottom so it looked like a dress but not really. So yes I was looking rather femme today.

[adrian]

Hello everyone,

I just want to recommend a blog by a couple with two young children, where one partner transitioned to male. It's called firsttimesecondtime, and they write a lot about how their children are dealing with Ezekiel's transition (spoiler alert: it's going well). I don't have children, but I love reading their blog. It just gives me a lot of hope.

Adrian