I just realized that I need surgery...

[androgynouspainter26]

I knew it in the abstract, but here I am, being forced to confront this reality...even if I'm able to grow my hair out, even if I finally get this whole passing schtick down (which might happen one day, I really hope), and even if I can leave him behind me, I'm always going to be stuck in a body I can't live with.  I call myself "pre-op", but I feel like I'm lying when I saw that, because it implies that I am, at some point, going to have it done.    I just made a major move and changed my major from set design to playwriting.  I love what I do, but I'm not going to make enough money for surgery for a very, very long time, and that's just if I'm "successful".  At best, facing the prospect of going through my remaining years of existence in constant misery on account of this disgusting, incomplete, deformed, ugly, and just generally annoying body of mine is depressing.  At worst, it's unbearably painful.  Right now, I'm desperately grasping at straws for how to make this happen...If I was good looking enough, I'd sell my body in a heartbeat, I know that's how many girls without any better options do it.  Sadly, I don't think I'm good looking enough even for that.  How can I get up in the morning, knowing that I'm going to be crying before I go to bed that night over how much I hate my body?  I know what I need if I'm ever going to feel safe in my own skin...how do I live with myself, knowing that it's never going to happen?

I'm so sorry for this, I just don't have anywhere else to turn with this, nobody in my 'real' life understands just how hard this is.  I feel like I've been abusing the kindness of this community with my rambling.  I'm scared.  I'm really, really scared.  Surviving the next year seems impossible.  Thinking about surviving the next sixty just makes me feel sick.

[Ms Grace]

I understand, I really do, but unless you have a crystal ball that sees the future 100% then I'd suggest that you're getting waaaaaaay ahead of yourself. I used to do the same thing many years ago, I'd just started working and my salary was a bit above nothing so I extrapolated that into "I'll never be able to afford SRS"...but things change and had I stuck with my transition that first time I would have been able to afford that op in just over five years. Yeah it would have seemed like an eternity but it also would have come a lot sooner than "never". So all I can offer is Internet hugs, but please live for now, the future will usually work itself out if you plan for it.

[JoanneB]

For well over 30 years I utilized what I call The 3D's to keep my mind off the GD. They are Diversions, Distractions and some Denial. It's not a perfect system and certainly not one I'd recommend as a long term plan. But it does work. I kept myself overoccupied with activities while in uni. Totally buried myself in my career afterwards. Worked hard at attempting to be a "Normal" guy, while still keeping my secret alive to an ever shrinking degree.

The problem with too much free time is.... well too much free time. My dysphoria went through the roof a few years ago when suddenly for the first time in like 20 years I actually had free time, and I had a job even an untrained monkey could be doing. So even too much free time there to think and worry. At that point in my life I guess I was finally ready to take on the beast

[ImagineKate]

There are girls who have waited 10-15 years for SRS. Meanwhile you can enjoy your life. It isn't all about what is in your panties. I totally hear you about the money, hon. I sacrifice but I really don't sacrifice my family, meaning school, a roof over their heads, food, medicine and utilities aren't being sacrificed at all. However my discretionary spending is way down as I sock away that money for future surgery. It sucks worrying how to afford stuff but at the same time it is wonderful knowing you'd be closer to being yourself when it's all said and done.

I used to have a lot of money problems but after a while I built myself up and most of them went away. So think positive and work towards making it better.

[androgynouspainter26]

Yeah.  I guess it's just hard not to hyperaware of the thing-focusing on anything at all has become a difficult task.  I've always been bad a dealing with my dysphoria, that's probably the only reason I transitioned as early as I did.

[Adam (birkin)]

I remember reaching a point like that a few years ago, where I accepted that my dysphoria was to the point that surgery was a necessity. Before that I wanted to believe that I didn't need it, and coming to that reality was actually pretty depressing.

I like what Grace said because I think it is true. For the moment it may not seem within reach, but you never know what will come along and make saving the money easier. Who knows, you might even be in a situation where you have coverage for it in the near future, as transgender human rights issues are coming to the forefront more and more.

[mrs izzy]

Taking a little time for your soul searching and making a plan.

Once you make the plan, make a plan for making it happen.

So many have walked these paths before you and i.

They made it with hard work and perseverance in implementing there plan.

It is hard but tomorrow who knows what life brings.

People hit the lottery everyday.

Hugs

[Devlyn]

Big hug! It's a journey, plans change, and you don't always end up where you thought you were going! I know you're scared, you're feeling trapped because you can't see the way out. That's natural. There is a way out, though, and that's one tiny step after another until you're clear of this. Count every milestone, you've earned them.

Hugs, Devlyn

PS I like your new picture! 

[ImagineKate]

Big hug! It's a journey, plans change, and you don't always end up where you thought you were going! I know you're scared, you're feeling trapped because you can't see the way out. That's natural. There is a way out, though, and that's one tiny step after another until you're clear of this. Count every milestone, you've earned them.

Hugs, Devlyn

PS I like your new picture! 

Concur!

Reminds me of sigourney weaver a bit.