Another pointer to confessing to my SO will not bode well

[katrinaw]

Hi Ladies...
(My turn)

Over the last few weeks I am noticing lots of conversations around transgendered people occurring and my SO (wife) commenting along the lines of;
* When  watching reality TV - Don't like that guy, he looks more like a woman?
* When out with friends and conversation turns to transgendered people there is a tendency for mild off the cuff remarks, which offend...
Of course maybe she's testing me, which is not before time, if that is the case.... Shaped Eyebrows, Boobs, will only change in private, spend heaps of time on skin preps (especially face), hairless body, hair free legs and arms, much more of a waist etc....

So based on her comments I think that when I do spill the beans and consequently opening up 40+ years of lies and charades (despite 3 grown up kids) I will not get any support from her, and may well lose everything. I know she certainly won't want to be the "woman who was married to a guy who wanted to really be a woman"...?

Till now I have been careful in not being too upfront, but am coming to a few decision points;

- Just divorce and then transition properly, or
- Allow myself to show more and maybe leave pointers, or
- Say "sorry I didn't tell you before, but I have always cross-dressed and one day (sooner than) want to live and be a woman

Tough, but in the first I would have to state "grounds" for and I know in the last 2 options, or coming out point blank, the end game will not go well, especially coming out with I want to be a woman, hope you are good with that???... of course, I could be reading it all wrong and comments in conversation are just what she thinks she should be saying? I know she is much more conservative than I am!

Just thought I'd throw it out there as time is not on my side, however until I get an Income stream I cannot really progress anyway... Not sure what I am looking for in responses... I guess I will get some flak for lying to her for so many years  (although much was through ignorance on my part or not wanting to leave because of kids etc...).
I have also have asked a similar question before and even seen other threads about "how do I"... but I think I have picked up bad vibes now 

I think in my deepest thoughts I was hoping that we could still remain together, in the comforts of our home and nest egg, but that idea is waning now...

L Katy

[Cindy]

Well Katrinaw,

We all know that people in marriage have tough time. I have enormous sympathy for both sides. My advice? Prepare for the worse, hope the best.

Usually preparing for the worse is the way to go, sadly.

[katrinaw]

Hi Cindy, yeah I know.... Just feeling a little jaded and a little scared ATM... But it is what I am doing currently.... Thanks 

L Katy

[Cindy]

None of this is easy. Jeez I wish I was natal but I'm not. We just do what we have to do, at least here we understand.

[Rachel]

Katrinaw,

The conversation is difficult and may play out over time. If you have a therapist then go over it with the therapist and rehearse. If you do not have a therapist then you may want to get one soon.

I do not know how your wife will react or what you as a couple will decide. I wish both of you well during this difficult time.

[katrinaw]

Thanks Cynthia, plan too and thanks for your support

L Katy 

[LizMarie]

Married 35 years when I came out to my wife. And that, as they say, was the end of that.

[April_TO]

Katrina L, I really hope for the best for you and your wife.
Be strong girl, we are here to listen xo

[Mallory]

My most recent ex-wife with whom I have two young children instantly began to discriminate against me and held the children over my head.  When I told her she instantly made it about her and us when it couldn't have been further from both.  My first ex-wife with whom I have two older children was the polar opposite; she condemned society for being closed minded and expressed her feelings that trans* people are misunderstood and that we're very complex beings.  She offered me a line of support and told me in so many words not to ever worry about the children or anyone else and to do what made me happy.

My first ex-wife I started the conversation with, "Try not to read too much into this, but how do you feel about trans* persons?"  Her reply was what I based my decision on to come out to her and I'm so thankful for the perspective she has.  The answer my most recent ex gave me insight into just how closed minded, selfish, narcissistic, and just plain old wrong she is as there are many other faucets of her that are just as skewed or bigoted.

Test the waters and go from there.  She may surprise you.

[ImagineKate]

Katrina,

You may be pleasantly surprised or it might be the end of your marriage. In the end it's your decision to tell her but I'm surprised that after so long on HRT she hasn't seen changes.

[ChiGirl]

Do make sure you talk to a therapist first.  It's a big deal coming out and you'll need that support.  Do you have any close family you can confide in?  That helps.  As Cindy said, prepare for the worst.

Good luck and hugs. Remember that you are not alone.

[Cindy Stephens]

Dear Katrinaw,

Hope it works out well for you.  Married 3 times; 1st one for 4 years, I really didn't understand myself and it was a disaster, 2nd one knew, but her family had a problem, 3rd-well, we are going to celebrate 30th ann. soon.   She knew from the start.  If you want to be poor, be single.  Worse, be single and trans.  So I understand your concern about the home and nest egg.  However, I didn't hear anything about love.  Would you truly miss HER, or has it devolved into that sort of easy accommodation that so many marriages fall into?  Is it worth fighting for?  If it is, you'll pull out all the stops.  Start with your second point, go to the third, then finally the first point if the first 2 don't work.  If it isn't worth fighting for, then go for disclosure and let the chips fall where they may.  Just make sure you are covered in the financial security area.  Transition is expensive.

[JoanneB]

I wouldn't read too much into the little comments made by her. First, with dropping the T-Bomb on your horizon, you just may be hypersensitive now compared to the past. Or perhaps, she already strongly suspects and is baiting you?

My wife was aware of my GD from day one OMG almost 40 years ago. Even was told of my experiments with transitioning back then and me settling on "Just a CD" (OK CD++). Over time she even hung around the house during my maybe monthly much needed escapes from maleness. ->-bleeped-<- jokes or comments are a cultural phenomenon. It is "Expected" from normal people when the PC police are not within earshot.

I would not recommend the making the decision for her route. That is totally unfair for anyone and especially for a supposed "Life Partner". If, over time, she feels she needs a divorce, then it was made by her. No regrets. No What "If-ing". And you are already prepared for that inevitability.

There is never a good time, or a good way, to drop the T-Bomb. If you have no clue where you stand in the infinite spectrum of GD, then there is more of a fire cracker to drop, which may not be any sort of a deal breaker. But it sounds like you are set on a transition to full-time as your only option. Best get that on the table with a realistic "Worse case" time table. Worse case being in a messy divorce and broke afterwards and perhaps soon jobless. (I'm all in favor of playing the sympathy card)

[katrinaw]

Thanks for all your stories, support and words of wisdom...

Joanna - Currently jobless as when my last contract finished last April I took a skiing hiatus for the Aussie winter, then when the season closed the job market was drier... I do have a 75% start opportunity with a couple of others bubbling in the background... without these I cannot progress as $$$ are critical to me moving forward and no knowing of outcomes.... I think she has suspicions and may be testing... sometimes when we are talking her eyes seem to drop to my boob-line which used to make me feel awkward... but not now... Looking back over time, I wish I had been upfront, and maybe (despite 3 lovely kids and their offspring) not gone down the path, but it was expected of "men" and I had nowhere to go then. Thanks for your support and wisdom... xoxoxo

Cindy (Stephens) - you raise some valid points, and in honesty I do love her, after so many years we have not grated on each other... would I miss her, yes... soooo much... however we have not been intimate for last 13 years and before that we weren't ravers, it always felt slightly awkward for me (obvious reasons)... we have remained together, possibly in ignorance of my conditions, because of the kids etc... but today the relationship is mainly platonic.. obviously.  Financially our riches are tied up in the home, possessions and a shared age nest egg which is not huge and would not last each of us more than a few years, especially my $$$ with transition and possible separate accommodation. Thanks for your words and advice... xoxoxo

Kate - True, and I really do think the changes are noticed and she is either waiting for me to say, or maybe, as said before, baiting me to come out.... But once I find a good income stream, then it must all come out. Thanks for your input... xoxox

Nikki - My possible approaches are somewhat me testing myself and walking through in my mind to see if I can test the waters before going for broke (hopefully its not that )... Thanks for the comforting story on the last but one wife... xoxo's...

April - Thanks for your support 

As before thanks ladies, I know I can get support and love from the forum folks, it is very comforting... and I know we all have our own, well most of us, Lives, issues or concerns to deal with, but it is so kind of others to share and help  's

L Katy