Dear Arch
I have an ex whose family situation is extremely similar to your own in terms of manipulation, control, non-disclosure of information and the rest. We wrestled with it for years, and it was like having a massive splinter causing pain if you went anywhere near it.
In your case it very much seems that you are battling to deal with the huge contradiciton of having needed to distance yourself from your family and also wanting to establish a more normal relationship. It's probably fair to observe that just because you share genes with them does not mean that you need to like them, nor do you need to beat yourself up by trying to seek an approval that is unlikely to come. What you describe above suggests that everything about your parents' interaction with you is so strongly conditional that it's only going to tie you in endless knots, since there is no end point, no final desired state that will leave them satisfied without it significantly diminishing you.
I'm reluctant to propose solutions, but if this interaction is causing you so much stress, what do you have to lose by just walking away, for good this time? You had the courage and determination to do it and to keep to it for twenty or thirty years, so the question is how to deal with this so that, if you do walk away, the outcome will not be a sense of loss but rather an overwhelming sense of freedom.
It's a hard one, I know. But you owe it to yourself to do the most you can to be happy.
Most sincerely
Julia
