I don't know if this will actually help, but I think I know how you feel. Sort of, anyway. My "triggering moment", the thing that set me off on this course in the first place was seeing a character named Lisa on the L Word - a lesbian-identifying male. Now, I admit, I'm a fairly sheltered individual, so up to this point, the idea of anything transgender was kind of a mystery to me. So I see Lisa and my mind, it, like, breaks. I have to actually pause the Netflix, hop on the computer, and find out, "is this real? Is it possible to be a guy and legitimately identify as a lesbian?" Because all my life, I've heard the macho BS from guys, the "Oh, I'm a lesbian, too, we should hook up" kind of crap that some men can do when confronted with the idea that a woman isn't into them. So, I'm like, "this can't be real... can it?"
The answer I find was, honestly, a bit inconclusive for my taste. I was looking for a solid "yes" or "no", and got more of a "sort of," to put it simply.
But that's what set me off, what opened the Pandora's Box in my soul that's led me to here, to wanting to explore my gender identity, to finally being honest about how I feel as a woman despite being born with male parts. Because, when I saw Lisa, this lesbian identitfying male, I saw something that felt... right. Like an identity I've been searching for all my life but didn't even know was real or even could have been real because all my life, I've had the gender binary shoved onto me like it was law. And I spent a year or more agonizing over whether to just do this, to admit that I may be transgender, that I have these feelings, and that maybe, it goes a little deeper than just wanting to identify as a lesbian as a male.
Because I don't feel "male". Not in any traditional sense. I don't know whether or not transition is in the cards for me, I'm too early in this journey. I just know that I can't ignore this anymore, not without doing some serious damage to myself.
SO you're certainly not alone in that "wanting to be a lesbian" deal. That feeling when see lesbian couples and dying inside. The sense that, sexually speaking, you're not "male" in how you approach intercourse. That you approach relationships differently than other people, certainly different than the parts you had at birth seem to dictate. You're attracted to women. Me, I knew since I was like 3 or 4. It's something I've been sure about since I was very young. But, the rest of this "boy" stuff? I don't know... it always felt weird.
I wouldn't say it's wrong to want to be a lesbian. I'm there with you. And I know how scary that feelings can be, like you're someone without a country, especially if you're still questioning yourself and stuck on this gender binary deal. I know it scares me. I worry about what it might be like as a trans woman, being with other women who may not necessarily be able to handle me as I am. If I never have HRT or SRS, would I still be "female" to them? Or would I end up being some kind of weird joke or anomaly, or worse yet, seen as some macho jerk trying to "convert lesbians back to Team Hetero"? I don't know.
I just know, whatever you're feeling, it's not wrong. Just because it seems scary or you don't understand it yet doesn't mean that it's wrong. You just need to take the time to understand it, and find people who can help you sort through it. I know that's what I'm doing.
