Hi
I am 15 1/2 years old, and have just shifted house for the first time in my life. Ever since I was in kindergarten I felt like I was in the wrong body, I always looked at the boys and wished I could join them, but I was super shy. I quit kindergarten after half a year, and was homeschooled up until the last term of year 9. ( 8th grade, or 13-14 years old. ) Basically at the woodwork/athletics groups I was in, I had super short cut hair, and wore my older brothers hand me downs. For some reason I never got along with anyone, girls or boys, between the ages of 6-13 and I was just that kid in the back whose name no one knew and no one spoke to that often. I did have some girls who would sometimes talk to me, but they asked me questions that implied they were curious about me and why I was different. I felt like a specimen.
My first intro to transgender was at youth group ( I used to go to church and such, but I am very scientific and can't understand it, also I don't get along with christains ) when someone asked me if I'd ever take "boy making pills" and become a 'real' boy. I didn't think much of it, and thought I'd continue to be the "girl who could beat the guys and do anything".
Then puberty hit. I am a VERY LATE BLOOMER. I got my first period at the ripe old age of 15, two months ago. I only had to start wearing a kind of sports bra when I was 14, I always passed as a guy at the park or around outside, unless my parents intervened. ( oh no, this is my beautiful daughter :-*n.n <3 )
I never realised how bad it would be, but ages 12-14 I did A LOT of running, so I was obviously very small chested anyway. Then I got injured, so I couldn't run for the rest of the year, and that was the year I first ever started high school properly. No running, I didn't gain weight, but my breasts began to develop. Then my hips.
The menstrual cycle will be stopped by hormone blockers or testosterone (
testosterone sounds MANLY )
Breasts, binders and top surgery.
BUT HIPS. HOW I
hate hips!!! Nothing can make them go away! Blockers can stop them developing, but before that, I'm stuck with girly curves. For life.
At school I was called a '->-bleeped-<-' or 'transformer' sometimes, but get this, they thought I was a MtF.
I only made two good friends, one of them as science and chemistry interested as me, and the other was a girl who was really nice to me even though I was different. I had a boys haircut, and spent half a year in a damned skirt until I had a breakdown and was allowed to wear shorts. Sub teachers thought I was a boy 100% of the time. The main thing was that I started school with long-ish hair, so people knew I was a girl. I said I was a tomboy, and they accepted me for it, since I got better marks than the guys in engineering, automotive and the 'manly' classes like PE. In PE, as I said, I only wore a XS size sports bra thingy, and never had problems with the other girls.
I ended up getting to know a good number of people at the school, wasn't hated, was known as a tomboy, and got top of my year and all my classes, and an award at the end of the year for my work.
In terms of FTM sort of stuff, I did a whole heck of research. Halfway during the year I had some life problems. My hate for my body was growing, I hated being a girl, having breasts, and being treated like a girl by my dad and family. I have an older brother, and have ALWAYS tried to be better at everything, and usually succeeded, football, science, outdoors, anything he could do, I HAD to do, even if he is 2 years older than me and bio male. I got depressed, and still am. I did some dark stuff to myself that I still think about. Then it clicked in my head!
Transgender!
As I said before, I did heaps of research, looked at transition blogs, timelines, medic PDF files, everything. I just couldn't face telling my super super religious family ( no star wars, no LOTR, nothing 'bad') that I wanted to be trans or that I had a crush on a girl. So I kept it all inside and grew suicidal. I told my dad about hating being a girl, which I told them maybe three times a week but they just shrugged it off and never think about it. I broke down and said about taking my own life, and then they sent me to have a session with christain counsellor. Opposite to what I thought, she approved of trans stuff, is a counsellor for trans people, and encouraged me. Then I was put into youth specialty counselling, once a week with a counsellor. This calmed my suicide/harm stuff down, but there wasn't much she could do unless she referred me to a gender specialist, which she couldn't because we were about to move to another city. I did go to a doctor about hormone blockers, but she just prescribed me Depo Provera to stop my period.
Then I talked to my parents about trans stuff, and transitioning in the not far off future. My dad was shocked, my mum didn't show any reaction. Ever since the age of 10 I have not worn girls clothes besides a school skirt or underpants, so I don't know why they were so shocked.
That was last year. Now, my parents have moved far far away, because they hate cold climates, so we're in a tropical kind of city now. I have just started at a new high school, in year 11.
I have a short boys haircut, and since I am back to running I have small breasts, I exercise a lot too so a fair bit of muscle, but not extremely bulky.
I was allowed to wear the boys uniform. I also spent about a month scheming to get a binder, an underworks one that rolls up
but works great.
So I started high school on wednesday, instead of monday because I got my period even though I'm on the depo provera stuff, so had to stay home. At school, I have passed 100% as a boy.
In my classes, everyone thinks I am a boy, and just have a badly chosen name, since I was absent, my name was called on the roll so they knew I was coming. Since I was on my period, I had to go to the toilet twice a school day to change my pads. ( tampons and the thought of guy-girl baby making makes me feel sick ) So I had to go to the bathroom, to the girls, during class. Today, I walked in, no one there as usual, did my business and such,
and then briskly walked out as a girl walked in. My chosen reaction was not to explain myself, but to swear, and say sorry and get the heck out of there. She laughed and said she wouldn't tell.
I have made some friends, we all like Attack on titan and take graphics, and its going well. I am the boy with the badly chosen name who looks like Jean from AOT. So school is going well.
Then there was the problem of athletics day. I went, since I love to run, and entered all the events. Instead of a binder when I fell like a break I wear 2x sets of togs, the full body black type for swimming pools. I explained to the PE teachers in charge of track ( all women who accepted me as a girl with short hair and small breasts ) that I am, in fact, a girl, and they accepted it. Everyone just thought I was in the girls race because the guys one was full. Some guys didn't believe it, I had to explain to them. None of the people I befriended went to athletics.
My only problem was at the high jump, this dude in charge told me to piss off and that i didn't belong, and that i was definitely NOT a girl. I got mad, and walked off. A guy and two girls actually stood up for me, and accepted me as a girl, and went to the teacher, which surprised me and made me feel really great, that people actually accept me.
So now I have this problem where I am not sure what to do. Some know I am a girl, some don't, my teachers don't, the dean doesn't, and the people I know don't and this girl who is awesome who I like doesn't.
I don't know what to do, I am thinking I should go to the dean and explain, and ask to use different toilets, have the teachers know privately, and come out as trans later to my friends?
But then my parents for some reason don't know, even though I have to practically pay people to believe I am bio female, so if I suddenly say that no ones knows I'm a girl and going to the bathroom feels like a stealth mission, and I could go to the mens without anyone blinking an eye, which I haven't, yet, they'd probably have a heart attack and make the school announce in the notices that ( insert name here ) is female.
I know this is long it took me 45mins to write, but I feel a lot better, since no one knows this, not even my friend who I've known for 14 years.
Thanks for reading, and if you have any advice on hips, please help !
-Dave
