Fifteen years ago, I was born, with a girl body. A healthy baby who rarely cried. My real father left my mom when he found out about her pregnancy, but she was not surprised. I was only a year old when my stephfather moved in with me and my nom. He adored me. He was my hero. My mom used to scream a lot. I dont remember much, but my dad told me. I call my stephfather my dad, even now.
I dont remember when it started, its just always been that way. Him touching me. He learnt me that its ok. But never, ever must I tell anyone.
I didnt have any friends. I was too weird. My mom would dress me up, gothic lolita. Really cute dresses in a goth version. My hair was long and brown. Really long. I always had it in braids, but it was reaching my thighs. I loved dressing up. I still do, sometimes.
Years went by. I started at a private school. Even in first grade, the kids knew I was not quite like them. Every saturday I turned into a goth princess, with my dresses and makeup.
At school I played with the boys, and used boy clothes. But the second graders were bullying me. And I would get angry and scream. A lot. Every day. I could scream for hours.
At nine years old I was diagnosed with ADHD. But they also noticed me being more intelligent than the other kids. It is one of many struggles.
When I was thirteen, a boy started at my school. A boy who was so incredibly handsome, with long blond hair, and he was small, a year older than me, smart, funny, and I developed a crush on him. I became his littles sisters friend, and after a couple of months he was my best friend. I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. On new years eve, 2013, I confessed to him. Turned out he liked me too. And so an adventure started.
After only two months, we had sex. I dont regret it, even now. He was so beautiful, and I was obsessed woth his body. I wanted to explore it. I wanted it. I want it. I want his beauty. I want to look like him, be like him, and be with him. I want to be a boy.
Well, most of the time. I look at myself as a boy in a womans body. A gey/pan boy.
You see, I fell in love with my best female friend pretty early. I was about eleven, and I still have some of those feelings. I am deeply in love with a girl. But I dont want the whole sex-thing. Only the feelings. Only the love.
It has been 28 days since my exboyfriend broke up. He never knew about my problems with my gender. About my sexuality.
We were together for one year and nine days.
I dont live with my parents anymore, I was placed in a foster care home. Im suing my dad. I love it here.
I hate it here.
I hate what brought me here.
I hate what I cant let go.
I love my ex.
I hate my sex.
I want to be a boy.
This is so effed up.....
