Alright... I've been lurking now for several weeks, and I felt like it was time for me to post. First off, I realize that much of this- my best bet is to see a therapist. I looked into it, and there are a lot of resources around here for me, which is great. The next available time for me to see a therapist falls on my wedding anniversary, so... I'd have to wait another month before I can see anyone.
So instead of driving myself absolutely crazy I wanted to write this as a way to... I dunno, put it out into the universe and bring it to a physical plain, along with feedback if anyone has some time to respond. Everyone on here seems great and supportive- and really that's all I feel like I need at this moment. So if I say anything that doesn't belong here, please correct me, and I will happily remove it.
First off, I am 26 years old biological male. I am married, for almost 5 years! I have a six year old son, and he is very smart. I think of myself as a very lucky person, and overall I am very happy. If anyone knows me, they know that I'm a very cheerful person and depression is extremely unusual for me. However, a year almost to the day I fell into an extremely dark depression- I had no idea why I felt the way I did- I had no 'reason' for it. The closest I could explain it was that I 'didn't feel myself'. I explained this to my wife, and I saw my doctor. He had put me on anti-depressants. They didn't work, not even remotely. That wasn't the problem, and when I looked within myself, I realized how much I was screaming to be let out, the voices were undeniable.
I never told my wife, I've been too afraid.
I experimented, cross dressed- played with makeup... I can't imagine what my wife would think of me trying on her clothes... haha... I felt so beautiful, and the urge has grown almost to the point of obsessive. I think about it at work, and I get excited to have some time alone to try new things. It brought me out of my depression and I've been 'myself'. I've come to terms that I'm transgender, and I think transition would be what I want, so I'm going to start seeing a therapist.
But... Where I am worried sick, is telling my wife- Seeing a therapist takes time and money, and I won't lie to my wife about something so important. And I really don't want to confuse or hurt my child in this process. I realize he would have to live with the judgment of my choices. I couldn't bare the isolation it could cause my entire family. If it was just me, I would probably already be in the process, but it's so much more than that. I don't want to throw away the past 7 years of my life, I don't want to lose my family.
