slowly going mad figuring myself out

[meganjames]

Warning - contains minor venting:

OK, it's been a while since my last post, here's the current situation:

Married with two kids (three and one), I've come out to my wife as transgender after crossdressing my whole life, and been seeing a great therapist for about 4-5 months. My wife doesn't want to be married to or live with another woman, but has been very understanding in giving me time and space to figure myself out, and what I need. By agreement with my wife, I spend one night a month away from home dressing, but this isn't really enough for me to fully explore who I am, it's just buying time.

Basically I've reached a point where I have to choose:

a) Leave my wife and kids, move out and spend more time figuring out who and what I am and what I want to do
b) Stay with the family, do the 'man' thing with a bit of crossdressing as and when time and family commitments allow

I've never been a man's man, but neither have I always felt like a woman trapped in man's body, I've just always felt pretty detached from my body and my life. I've spent my life distracting myself with projects or challenges. In all other things I make a decision by carefully weighing up the variables, but this time I can't, they are either unquantifiable or cannot be known until after a decision has been made. I don't do leaps of faith, but despite months of trying to figure another option, there aren't any.

aaarrgg! help!

Any thoughts, guidance, experiences would be appreciated, though I know I have to make the choice myself in the end.

Megan.

[suzifrommd]

Megan, I can't say what's right for you, but I was in your position. I chose to transition and ended up losing my wife of more than 20 years. Some observations:

* I didn't feel like I "needed" to transition, but I believe that had I not, the interest would have increased in intensity. It played out exactly the way it's playing out for you - that being female once-in-a-while wasn't cutting it anymore.
* I lost my marriage, but I gained myself. For me it was more than worth it. I feel so much more natural as my female self. I've never regretted it (though do wish it had worked out differently).
* I only got one life. I decided no one woman, even the love of my life, would be worth spending the only life I was going to get pretending to be someone I'm not.
* I've never felt like a woman (still don't) and certainly not a risk taker. I've always chosen the safe road. My gender wouldn't let me do that. It wouldn't let me "consider the possibilities". Despite all that, it was the right thing to do.

I've heard people say don't transition unless you have to. That wasn't right for me. The benefits of being my authentic self have far outweighed the risks. I'm resourceful and generally upbeat. I could have found a way to be happy as a man, but it isn't right for me.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

[Anna R]

Well, all I can say is at 67 am seriously unsettled , it does " NOT GET BETTER " never !
Transition is my only way now and really have to just wait and see who objects.

[GerryT]

Hi Megan,

I don't think there is going to be a definitive answer to this from anyone here because we've all walked a different path and advice on who you "should" be is not something the internet should be offering. However, I'm happy to say that I agree with the steps you have taken so far in being honest and forthcoming with your wife, seeking professional counsel, and perhaps coming to accept that you are who you are, and you aren't going to change.

From my experience, which does not involve a significant other or children, I think finding and connecting with people in real life who are also transitioning, attending events in your LGBT community, and developing a support network of friends and loved ones (in addition to psychological and medical support) are vital to a healthy transition regardless to where it leads.

It is important to allow yourself to be who you are regardless of how you dress. You may not be someone who transitions all the way, or maybe you will, the gender spectrum knows no bounds, and it's perfectly alright to settle where you are most comfortable. You might find some gender studies books to be very enlightening to provide some context to being transgender.

If you decide that want to live openly, then you will need to accept that everyone that you know will probably need to know eventually. Telling other people in your life (family and friends) can be harsh but you'd be surprised at where the support will come from. Once you have a few friends who know you well and who become allies, the stress will lighten.

Once you go in for all your blood tests, and talk with a doctor about where you want to go in terms of development, you'll start to get an idea of the type of medicine you'll be taking. Do it professionally all the way.

xx
Gerry 

[JoanneB]

Well, sounds to me like you aren't giving yourself a chance to "Figure yourself out". Once a month of leaving town, sneaking off to some hotel somewhere, changing presentations, and then going out (?) clubbing, support group, "special" friend, whatever, is not what I can ever think of doing. Several times my wife had asked, pleaded even, when I needed to live out of town for work, that when I was going to my group meeting to please get a room somewhere just so there is absolutely no chance of the neighbors or anyone else possibly spotting me presenting as female. That whole sneaking off thing, the "Dirtiness", the shame filled behavior aspect of it, bothered me deeply. When I finally broke down to "Try it" for her, I cannot put into words the horror of what has always been a joy filled evening turned into for me.

I have spent months, several years even, trying to figure myself out. As others said it took a lot of reading. Tons of self-helpish books. Simply put, just trying to sort out who I really am, with trans just being but a small, yet important, part of the total being. Sure, since like age four I always wished I was a girl, still do. But I am far more than that. Most outside observes say I've done so many fantastic things, had all sort of accomplishments, made it to the top of the heap, far above what any second generation Bayonne kid can ever dream of. Done my ancestors proud. Lived the dream. Yet I felt nothing.... It was what was expected. What's the big deal. Just apply yourself, have "Sticktuitivness". Sort of like living as a guy. Determination.

It takes a long time of unlearning over 50 years of "What is expected" by others and replacing it with something you expect of yourself. Made all the more complicated since you have no clue really of who or what yourself is. That takes work. Lots of hard work. Lots of scare the crap out of you work as you begin feeling again.

A very instrumental part of this process for me was and still is my TG support group and especially a couple of very special angels who have been there for me at times of great need. Seeing a therapist to help with the process of unlearning all the unhealthy ways I ran my life and help replace them with far better ways helped me figure out who I am. Eventually, the opportunity for seeing a for real Gender Therapist came and she has helped immensely in the healing process.

90% of how you view yourself, your life, comes from between your ears, not from your eyes looking in a mirror.

[Jessica Merriman]

All I can say is compromise rarely works out in cases like ours. Dysphoria never goes away until treated and only gets worse as time passes. Like others I lost a 16 year marriage and one of my children. Before this happened I tried to live by my ex's rules of exploring myself a few times a week. By acting as she expected me to in public. By denying my core identity. You just can't fight it forever. Each time you explore and find comfort in yourself it is harder to go back to regulated behavior. Most of us have had to make a terrible choice when we reached the point it sounds like you are at now. Just remember one thing, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. You are accountable to no one except yourself for your life. If others turn you away remember, it was their choice alone to do that, not yours. I wish you the best.