Not Feeling Good About Myself

[Wynternight]

Today I'm having one of those days where I look in the mirror and I see a mockery and tell myself, "There's no way you can ever pass as a woman."

Other days I look in the mirror and see that woman looking back at me and think, "I'm good. This will all work." I get called ma'am or miss CONSTANTLY, daily but today I just don't see or feel it. I don't see almost six months of HRT when I look at myself today. I see the hated male looking back at me and it makes me feel like I'm about to spiral down again like I did Friday night. I'm glad I'm at work because if I were home today I might do something like I did Friday.

[suzifrommd]

Luckily, you're a wonderful, loving, caring, intelligent human being, so even on days you don't feel passable, you still have good reasons to feel good about being you.

I totally get what you mean. I've had days like that too. I know that all women are beautiful, and I'm a woman, and therefore I'm beautiful, but doggone it, I wanna pass! Thing is I do pass most of the time in most places, but there's always that nagging voice. When I hear it, I don't argue with it. I try to get in touch with all the other things about me that I like.

Hugs. I appreciate what you do for this site, and that doesn't go away when you have a bad hair day.

[ImagineKate]

You know what? I feel the same very often.

I dress as a guy to work so I get called "sir" and referred to as "him" often here. This morning I got a genderless greeting at the front desk... then showed her my ID and she refers to me as "him" and then calls out, "sir."

When I'm not at work and dressed properly most of the time I get gendered correctly.

I have been pondering, should I move up my full time date? I really hate going to the men's now. Totally disgusting and some people stare. Plus in general, people are wondering.

I take a lot of pictures of myself to document my progress. I try the face recognition sites to see if what I'm doing works. The results are trending more female now. That's encouraging. But occasionally it will peg 100% male and I am literally depressed. I was doing so well!

I feel like I'm not making progress at all, but then I remember I am only a few months in. It takes years...

Anyway I totally totally feel your pain! *hug*

[Mariah]

I think we all have felt that way on occasions. Just because you don't see it doesn't make you any less a woman. know that is sometimes hard to especially since in most cases we have more that we have done before we are finished and of course hormones need their time to do their thing. Try treating yourself or anything else that might help on those type of days. Hugs
Mariah

[Newgirl Dani]

Wynternight, 

I agree with suzifrommd, but here is just my take.  Unfortuneately the mirror reflects more than physical reality.  It shows us our state of being (often only using the smallest seeds of doubt), and most often when this has happened with me, the catalyst was just the act of looking into the mirror, and this alone provided myself the 'oppurtunity' to mentally delve into that well worn negative thought path.
I know this sounds simplistic, but this is what I do:  I always 'notice' the scenario I am about to walk into at that first few seconds, so I tell myself, "NOPE, NOT GONNA", then dredge up just enough of a smile to give reason to replace the negative with a positve, THEN, I walk away.  If I stay I guarantee myself a deeper problem.  My very best.   Dani

[CosmicJoke]

Nobody is feeling happy with themselves all the time. Some days I get so sick and tired of looking at that same old person in the mirror. Sometimes I magnify flaws that no one else would ever even see, but it's just my own problems that need to be worked out.
I am starting to learn that it's about focusing on the positive aspects of myself that I am proud of. The negatives will eventually be blinded by the light.

[Squircle]

I have no advice to give, I can only send sympathy and solidarity. I get stuck in the spiral myself on regular occasions. Some days I feel almost good, others I just feel like I'm kidding myself. It's so hard to lift myself up from that once it's set in. The only thing I can do is try and keep my mind ocupied and work on through it, and remind myself that what I'm thinking isn't necessarily the truth.

[April_TO]

Ladies, I feel your pain although today even when I wasn't trying to pass I was addressed as ma'am by the sales person.
Anyways, I agree with everyone some days are good and some are bad. I was even contemplating today some silly ideas to delay my transition date at work coz I feel like I am fake, acting like a woman when I am not.
It's challenging - however, we need to have the courage to push through and do not let today judge what the future holds for us.

Love you Wynter, you are beautiful. Big Hugs!

April

[Athena]

Hugs

[Ms Grace]

Hugs. I can't add more than others have said above, except to suggest maybe it is time to stop hating the "man" you see. Self hatred is understandable for all of us in this uniquely uneviable position of not belonging to our bodies, but each time we go there it eats away at us. Prior to full time transition I took to smiling at myself in the mirror even if I wasn't happy with what I saw there. Once I started doing that I found a very different and loving appreciation or myself and my man-facade.

[Wynternight]

Thank you all.

I think part of the problem is I'm out of EV and don't see the doctor until tomorrow. When I can finally get it I'll be a few days past my normal injection time. Hopefully I'll be OK once I get back on the EV and stabilise my hormones and with it, my mood. When I hit estradiol troughs I get very, very depressed.

[Ms Grace]

It's good to be aware of those cycles, it definitely helps to keep a handle on things. During my first attempt at transition, when I was on injections, I would crash and burn terribly every few weeks but, since no one had told me it was a side effect, I had no understanding of why I'd feel so miserable.

[Jill F]

Big hugs to you, Wynternight.  I know exactly how you feel. 

Sometimes my schedule gets disrupted and I forget my daily dose (and it REALLY sucks when I do it two days in a row) or I'm at the end of my P cycle. And then there was the time that my endo screwed up and I didn't get it for several days... the dreaded "minipause".

Every time it's the same thing.  I feel like a fat, ugly failure and get depressed, anxious and hopeless.  When I'm back on track, everything is great again.

When I start feeling these symptoms, I always think, "Did I remember my E today, or am I just at the end of my cycle?"   Today is the last day of my P, so I know exactly why I feel so fat and ugly today.  LOL  I know it's all in my head, because when I ask my wife if I look any different, she always says that I don't.  She also knows a thing or two about hormonal cycles and tells me when she's having an "ugly day".  Of course she looks awesome every day.

[ImagineKate]

Oh I totally know what you mean. I had other meds mess with my hormones and I was a total bitch for days...

[Sabrina]

I feel the same way every day. I get slightly agitated every time someone refers to me using male pronouns. But for now, I must grin and bear it until I can pass. I probably could ask more people to refer to me in the feminine but it wouldn't feel genuine until they do it naturally. All I can do is offer a digital hug and say I get what you're going through.

[Debussy]

I feel the same way every day. I get slightly agitated every time someone refers to me using male pronouns. But for now, I must grin and bear it until I can pass. I probably could ask more people to refer to me in the feminine but it wouldn't feel genuine until they do it naturally. All I can do is offer a digital hug and say I get what you're going through.

I'm in the same place. My partner doesn't understand why I don't correct people. My coworkers refer to me as she, but they don't treat me like the other females.. And they also avoid gendering me as much as possible by simply using my name instead of a pronoun.

Even when I'm referred to as she, it still doesn't feel like everything is the way it should be...

[Mallory]

I'm sorry to hear of y'all having a hard time.  Look at it this way: At least you don't have a scruffy ole' beard itching your jaw and you're on hormones.  That's gotta be worth something, right?  Right now I'd give just about anything to be 6 months into HRT, 30 pounds lighter, and without a beard instead of not even having a prescription yet.

You girls have accomplished a lot and you're just about settled into things for the long haul; stay strong!