I wrote this letter on Christmas day and mailed it to myself. I was having a real hard day coping with my dysphoria. So I decided to sit down and say goodbye to my male self. The thing that surprised me was how much this helped my dysphoria. I felt the anger I always had towards myself melting away as I wrote. Since the writing of this letter I have been full time.
My Dearest (name with held);
I'd tell you about my dreams, and you'd just shoot them down and make me cry. It always seemed to me the pain would last forever and any chance for happiness would forever pass. My god you'd make me cry. My heart seemed like it would never be healed from the damage you've done. Never seemed like anything waiting around the bend. They always said there's nothing to do, it's just something you are going through and it happens to men. I thought to myself that they were right and I would wake up and see the light. After all we put our heart through I just knew I was safe here with you. With a troubled heart and nothing but confusion in your head. Never knowing which way to turn never knowing what to do. Somehow you managed through it all. You were able to protect me from myself and keep me safe. You did the absolute best you could. I thank you for this.... You found love where it never seemed like it was there to be found. I thank you for this.... Every time I'd try to take a breath and when I'd forget to breathe, you'd be watching over me. I thank you for this.... Whenever I was looking for the light in the middle of the night, every time I'd turn around, when I'm lost and when I'm found Like an Angel standing Guard you were always there. I thank you for this.... While you were standing in a crowded room you were like the sun and the moon, always there. I thank you for this.... I've been blessed by your presence and strength. You showed me the perfect love. I thank you for this....
They said that you'd never fly, only Angels know how to fly, but with your broken wing you still always looked to the sky. Boy, with a broken wing, you should have seen yourself fly. I will always and forever hold you near and dear in my heart. I will always have a deep appreciation for all you have done for me. I have so much gratitude for the foundation you laid for me. Somehow through all you've been through you managed to put me on the right path. I just don't know how to express or find the words that would accurately describe how I feel towards you. I guess at its simplest I know in my heart that we have the perfect love for each other.
With that being said, It's with a very heavy heart and a tremendous amount of soul searching that I have to say to you that it's now time for me to say that I need to let my freedom ring, I wanna be free to feel the way I feel, it's time to declare my independence. It's now my time for me to shine bright and let the world know who I am. Although I'm saying goodbye I still love and adore you. I want you to wait for me at that lake that we used to go to up in Canada. I always felt alive while we were together there. I want you to do all the fishing and watching of the sunrises, sunsets and loons that your heart desires. Someday I will be there with you again and we can join each other in heaven and be together for the rest of time but for now this Angel needs to spread her wings and fly. May god bless you and the Angels guide you on this journey. Don't worry about me I'll be fine, after all I had a great teacher in you. You've taught me everything I need to survive.
Love always and forever,
Melissa Ann
