Can't decide if I should come out?

[Avinia]

So, mostly due to this issue, I have been going through denial I guess.. But I am still certain I am MTF.. at least as sure as I can be without seeing a therapist.

I have been wanting to come out to my parents for about 2 years now, and nearly did a few months ago, but I keep chickening out.. and now I can't figure out if it is even safe to try coming out.

I mostly want to come out soon so that I can stop feeling guilty about hiding something this big from them.

Anyways, the issues I am having, are that my parents seemed to be okay with homosexuals, seeing as how they were talking sort of positively about my lesbian cousins last year. Then early this year I hit them with my first attempt at testing the waters, and mentioned a series about a transwoman transitioning in late adulthood(forgot the name of it, it was on Amazon though), and the response was mostly neutral, from what I could tell.

Then more recently me, my mom, and I think my older brother were watching TV and something with a trans person came up, and my older brother and mom seemed to be disgusted with it.

Yet, when my younger brother admitted to being homophobic, my mom seemed to be trying to tell him that being homophobic is bad, especially today when my brother was acting very homophobic again.

It is very confusing for me, because at some moments it seems like my parents will be accepting, then at other points it seems like they would react badly. My parents also are not unaware of transgender people, because I recall my mom used to watch documentaries on sex changes and the transition process... for whatever reason(this was before I knew what transgender was called).

Now.. I really do think that in the end coming out would be the best decision for me, and I doubt my parents would react by disowning me, because they really aren't like that(seeing as how they supported my sister for so many years, even though most people would have probably disowned her years ago). But I am still just very confused on how they might react.

One worry I do have, is splitting up the family, or somehow hurting them. That is one of the main reasons I waited so long already. But I can't see myself living the rest of my life as a male.

Also one issue I am having, is I will be in the evening to night ready to come out, and have it all planned out, then when morning comes I freak out and can't do it, mostly out of fear I guess. I would love to come out to my mom first, mostly since she seems like she would have a more positive response, but I can't find any time we are alone.

I am thinking about using this sex ed thing I have on Saturday as an opener for the conversation possibly, if I do that then I will likely start by bringing up things from the past leading up to actually coming out... But the main issue I am having is actually starting the conversation.

[Rachel]

Hi Avinia,

I think going to a gender therapist would help you sort out all the feeling you have and needs.

[Ara]

The best advice I can give is to never come out to family if you think they can take it bad and if you are supported by them.  If you're not being supported (I mean living with them, financially dependent, etc) then you can afford for them to take it badly, and you can wait for them to come around to it.

But you need to ask yourself if you can afford for them to take it badly.  Are you in the right place to handle the stress of awful emails, crying, etc?  That might not happen, but if it did you'd want to be in a place emotionally that you can get through it.

[Avinia]

Like I said, I doubt my parents would react badly. The problem is, if they do, things will be horrible for me since I am still completely dependent on them(I don't even have a driver's license yet).

But, I am really starting to think they won't react as badly as I am thinking they would. Seeing as how they highly suspect my youngest brother is going to turn out to be gay, but they are just hoping he isn't.. Weirdly, my parents seem to be somewhat accepting of LGBT stuff, I do think a big part of the negativity I do see is just a lack of understanding about it.

One thing I find weird about me always being afraid to come out to them, is that I have already come out officially to two friends, and have sort of told two of my cousins. Though the friends were through emails, and they were surprisingly accepting(for coming from very religious backgrounds). But my two cousins were in person with my homophobic brother there, and they just didn't seem to understand it.

I probably will end up just coming out to my parents before I graduate high school. Doubt they would react too badly, at most just telling me I am gay and not trans, force me to go to church, or put me into therapy.

[suzifrommd]

One worry I do have, is splitting up the family, or somehow hurting them. That is one of the main reasons I waited so long already. But I can't see myself living the rest of my life as a male.

Avinia, you do not have the ability to split up your family.

You just don't.

If they put distance between each other or you, that is ENTIRELY THEIR OWN DECISION. You have no control over it. As for hurting them, if they choose to be hurt by the gentle truth, that is not your doing either.

You're in a difficult place. So difficult that you're challenge is making sure you're being taken care of. I'm wondering whether it's one too many burdens on you, taking on the welfare of your whole family in the event they have trouble handling a truth they need to hear.

Hugs, Avinia. Please take care of you. You're precious.

[Avinia]

Avinia, you do not have the ability to split up your family.

You just don't.

If they put distance between each other or you, that is ENTIRELY THEIR OWN DECISION. You have no control over it. As for hurting them, if they choose to be hurt by the gentle truth, that is not your doing either.

You're in a difficult place. So difficult that you're challenge is making sure you're being taken care of. I'm wondering whether it's one too many burdens on you, taking on the welfare of your whole family in the event they have trouble handling a truth they need to hear.

Hugs, Avinia. Please take care of you. You're precious.

Yeah, I know that it wouldn't be my fault if something like that did happen, it is just one of my fears I guess.

Have spent most of tonight thinking and deciding more on what to do.

Will add more in the morning since I just noticed I have to be up in like 7 hours(babysitting, my parents are going to be at church for a few hours in the morning).

[alexbb]

Sometimes a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. And sometimes that is change to being a woman. Believe in yourself, be your authentic self, be girly! within a few days or weeks or months, your real friends and family will come around. Rosa Parks, the black lady who refused to give up her seat when ordered to a white person was probably scared. She certainly offended a lot of bigoted people. But she did what was right anyway. Being brave isnt about not being scared. Its about being very scared and sticking to your guns anyway. Do whats right for you. Bulldoze anyone who wants you to remain unhappy out of your way. The people who love you will admire your guts, determination and evident relief and happiness.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Avinia

If you think that your family will react reasonably well, you are probably already correct.  The stories on this forum seem to suggest that parents who adhere to some strongly religious dogma are the ones who react badly, but this does not appear to be relevant in your case.

Most parents would move heaven and earth to ensure that their children are happy and successful.  And in the process of learning who you really are, your whole family is likely to become more sensitive and accepting of the complexities of being transgender.

As for finding the right time to talk about this, you need to be a little bit brave, honey.  Plan your story carefully and then tell your mother that you really need to talk to her about something extremely important.  Go our for a coffee or something.

As for getting your story together, it is very useful to write it down, in detail, as it will help you get your thoughts crystal clear.  Think about dividing it into three parts: 1. the past, and things in your life that were signs you were transgender; 2. the present - where you are now and what you need to do as immediate next steps, and 3. the future - what you want to do with your life and your evolution as a transgender person.  I'm not saying that you read this to your mom, but having a very clear story and a plan is a key thing to demonstrate that you know what you want and are ready to do something about it.

My experience?  Since my family is scattered about Europe, I wrote them a 2-page letter.  I told them something important was coming, and then emailed it to them.  They were shocked.  They were also indignant - because I'd hidden something so important from them, and all they wanted to do was help.  There was some discomfort while everyone came to terms with me as a transgender woman, but there was was always support.  This summer I hopefully shall get my SRS done, and my parents are going to be there with me.  A good and bad thing, I guess

Hugs
Julia

[Avinia]

Hi Avinia

If you think that your family will react reasonably well, you are probably already correct.  The stories on this forum seem to suggest that parents who adhere to some strongly religious dogma are the ones who react badly, but this does not appear to be relevant in your case.

Most parents would move heaven and earth to ensure that their children are happy and successful.  And in the process of learning who you really are, your whole family is likely to become more sensitive and accepting of the complexities of being transgender.

As for finding the right time to talk about this, you need to be a little bit brave, honey.  Plan your story carefully and then tell your mother that you really need to talk to her about something extremely important.  Go our for a coffee or something.

As for getting your story together, it is very useful to write it down, in detail, as it will help you get your thoughts crystal clear.  Think about dividing it into three parts: 1. the past, and things in your life that were signs you were transgender; 2. the present - where you are now and what you need to do as immediate next steps, and 3. the future - what you want to do with your life and your evolution as a transgender person.  I'm not saying that you read this to your mom, but having a very clear story and a plan is a key thing to demonstrate that you know what you want and are ready to do something about it.

My experience?  Since my family is scattered about Europe, I wrote them a 2-page letter.  I told them something important was coming, and then emailed it to them.  They were shocked.  They were also indignant - because I'd hidden something so important from them, and all they wanted to do was help.  There was some discomfort while everyone came to terms with me as a transgender woman, but there was was always support.  This summer I hopefully shall get my SRS done, and my parents are going to be there with me.  A good and bad thing, I guess

Hugs
Julia

Well, most likely will start writing down my story now, even though I really will just probably use it to have a set plan on how I want to present it to my parents.

For the actual time when I want to come out, I am thinking about aiming for Wednesday night, since usually my younger brother and dad are gone until 11pm that night. If they don't go out that night, they will most likely end up being away some other time during the week.

Something made it a little easier today for me, first of all I actually looked in the mirror and realized that my fear of never being able to pass was just stupid, and second I found out that my mom had talked to one of the people at the Catholic church and it turns out that I don't have to convert to do what I wanted with the church(mainly youth group stuff, actually just got asked to play the violin for their Easter service this year).

Which the thing with the church, makes me notice that it really is likely that they will be accepting of my gender identity at some point, since they so far respect my decision to not go to church anymore(it did take a while for them to accept that though).

For the actual coming out part, I am pretty sure that for me, the best choice would be to have a face to face conversation, since that would show my parents that I am actually serious and not just messing with them. If it comes to the rest of the family(relatives mostly, a lot of them are transphobic), and any friends, I will opt for email to be safe.

Finally feeling positive about my future, did a lot of thinking about that this morning, and have started to actually make plans past just coming out.

[Julia-Madrid]

Good luck girl...!!! Tell us how it goes.  AND BE BRAVE! 

[Avinia]

Well, now it is just time to hope that my dad and brother will actually be out of the house tomorrow night... If they end up not going to band practice, then I will either wait until they go some place else, or I go somewhere alone with my mom, or wait until my brother is out of the house(honestly, he is the main one I do not want around when I come out).

[Julia-Madrid]

Girl, it will all be fine!  Let us know how it goes!

Big hugs!
Julia

[Avinia]

Turns out my dad and brother are not going to be gone tonight, but will be gone tomorrow night.

[Avinia]

Back to waiting I guess, my dad and brother weren't supposed to get back until around 9pm, they just got back almost 2 hours early.

Thinking about writing a letter tonight and tomorrow night, and giving it to my parents on Saturday, since I am going to be gone most of that day at an airsoft game.

[Mariah]

Good Luck with whatever route you decide to use to tell them, but whatever you do use the route you feel most comfortable with. I used a letter sometimes, but in some cases I spoke to them out right based on my comfort level except for a couple cases where the news made it to people I hadn't told yet. The letter route is a great way to break the ice and explain why and how you feel plus it has the added benefit of allowing them to process it before you get any reaction from them. I also found writing that letter, in the cases that I needed to, very therapeutic because it allowed me to let go of all the baggage I had been holding back that was stopping me from being my true self around everyone. I tried personalize my coming out to each person by tailoring it to the person I was communicating with when I could. Good Luck and Hugs
Mariah

Back to waiting I guess, my dad and brother weren't supposed to get back until around 9pm, they just got back almost 2 hours early.

Thinking about writing a letter tonight and tomorrow night, and giving it to my parents on Saturday, since I am going to be gone most of that day at an airsoft game.

[Minervham]

I remember when I came out to my friends I had this huge speech planned out filled with all these analogies and everything, when when it came time, I just blurted out that I was trans haha, you'll know when the time is right. Looking back, my only regret is not doing it years before.

Just remember, you'll know when it's time, nobody can tell you your ready, you just kinda know. I very much doubt your parents or brother will react badly though, they'll still love you regardless I think

[CaptFido87]

You know Avinia, I feel the same exact way. I just want burst out and tell them the truth. I'm so worried about what they might say and do, that I can't get myself to do it. I have the same kind of feelings telling me that it'll probably end up fine and they'd probably be really supportive, but IDK. It's just so hard to imagine splitting up a family and forcing them to take sides. I don't want any of that. I just want them to accept me for me. It's incredibly difficult for me to really express what's on my mind, so this might be the same problem you have.

I'd stick to your plan of doing the letter than confronting them the next day on it. I feel like it'll go super well for you. Especially if your younger brother might be gay and you have cousins who happen to be lesbians. Your family should already be used to it so what's another member of the family.

For my family I also have a cousin who is a lesbian. I know my family did judge her and always seemed to never have had anything nice to say about it. She though was always welcomed to family gatherings. She even brought her partner a few times if I can recall correctly. That being said though, They basically excommunicated her (and her sisters for that fact too) for being greedy ungrateful brats. So I, for the most part, don't think it had anything to do with the lesbian part. Point of my story is that they might judge, but they will still love you.

Good luck and do tell us the good word soon