What made you finally decide to transition?

[frankie88]

Hello All,
So i'm very new to all of this and am still very hesitant.
I have been seeing a gender therapist for a while and am mostly sure that i am transgendered.
A little about me... im currently 26 and in the engineering industry and also working on a graduate degree at the same time(so im very hesitant about the whole transition thing just based on work)
I grew up in a very repressive old school household, my mom is from Germany and has always been very over bearing.
However my whole life i have always felt out of place with my body.
Some of my earlier memories(maybe 4-5yrs old) were my brother and i finding my moms old bathing suits from when she was younger, we tried them on and he got bored after 2 minutes... i wore it most of the day because i honestly felt more comfortable in it, that was until my mom had to take it away.
It has progressed most of my life where i closeted "Cross Dressed" including being caught by my parents about 10 times.
Each time they tried to tell me how bad what i was doing etc.
Anywho, i think i'm finally about ready to admit to myself that i'm actually transgendered and that i would like to transition.

What finally pushed you over the edge and made you decide that you were transgendered and that you needed to transition?

[LordKAT]

Hi Frankie and welcome to Susan's.


What 'pushed me over the edge' was a need to save my sanity. I didn't really ever question who I was though. I questioned why no one else saw who I was. Not everyone goes through this search for self the same way.

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[kao]

hi Frankie,

It is definitely hard to accept yourself when you have been told its wrong all your life I have been there and it caused alot of issues for me.  What pushed me over was a cross roads I had no choice in my mind I would either accept I'm trans or wear the eternal neck tie...I'm still here and in the early stages of transitioning and I have never been happier. 

I hope you manage to find who you are it takes time but hey enjoy the ride not many people will get to ride it in there life.

Cheer
kao

[Cindy]

What pushed me?

Long story of my life that a few know.

The final push, waking up with another hangover and an empty whisky bottle, miserable and suicidal. I knew I was TG, had known for a long time but was too frightened to do anything.

That morning I realised I was too frightened to keep living as a drunk. I went to my GP, got an appointment to see a therapist and suddenly my life started.

End of story? No lots of trials and tribulations along the path, then one day I realised I was no longer transgender; I was post-trans

Now I'm just another girl, and incredibly happy and fulfilled one but just like every other woman you would meet any day.

[Ms Grace]

Welcome to the forum!

For me it was a case of denial, denial, denial, denial, denial, denial, denial...arrrgh!!!! I can't take it anymore!!

[frankie88]

Thank you for all the reply's.

I think I'm finnaly nearly at that crossroads.

I've known what the term transgender was since I was about 16 and always felt that it could be a possibility.
Little by little I'm starting to accept myself on this.
For years I had been contemplating seeing a gender therapist and finnaly got the courage to do it a few months ago.
Luckily I currently have a very supportive girlfriend (who happens to be a therapist herself) who helped me make the decision to seek one out.

I'm just so hesitant that I'm making the wrong decision, or that I am just lieing to myself and that I'm not actually transgendered.
It seems like in all my research and according to my therapist that most trans people are in the same boat and go through these same apprehensions before they begin a transition.
I guess I just want to see what people's experiences were leading up to that final decision.
Thanks.

[Tessa James]

For me it was the realization that my fears, shame and hiding were the real toxic ingredients in my stew while being transgender was simply true.  Giving up the hiding and guarding was a dramatic relief and I only wanted greater freedom to be myself.

[suzifrommd]

What finally pushed you over the edge and made you decide that you were transgendered and that you needed to transition?

Once I realized I had the option of transitioning, and heard what it was like from people here and from people I know in real life, the thought of living another year of my life as a man seemed unendurably bleak.

[Jill F]

For me it wasn't just one thing.  I was going nuts, highly depressed and becoming highly aware of my lifelong gender issues.  After I woke up in the hospital the second time inside of a month, I confessed my issues to the plastic surgeon who was stitching up my head.    It turned out that he had quite a bit of experience with transgender women doing minor FFS procedures and BAs.   He told me that I needed to see a therapist who specialized in gender issues right away before I drank myself to death. 

A month later, the therapist I found had me pegged as transgender within 10 minutes and told me a bunch of other things that I didn't want to hear, like "You need estrogen", "Why on earth do you think you can't transition?  You seem like a perfect candidate and it's not that big of a deal." and "Let's get you set up with a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist."

I almost chickened out, but I saw the endo in the end and got my E-ticket.  Part of me hoped that the estrogen wouldn't do anything at all, or even make things worse, thus proving I wasn't actually transgender and I was just a standard issue nutjob.   That would have been much easier to deal with in the end, but the E was like the magic bullet for me.  My head was the clearest it had been since before the testosterone poisoning began, and I was (OMG!) actually happy.  I didn't know that one could even be this happy.  It became evident that I could never go a day without it.

I started laser right away and began to test the waters very slowly.   One day I was able to go out my front door in girl mode.  A week later I was able to get in the car.  The next week I was able to go to therapy in a dress, and the next weekend I mustered the courage to go to San Diego.  I was pointed at, laughed at, stared at and ridiculed publically, but it didn't stop me.   I just worked harder on my demeanor.

I started going out to dinner in my own neighborhood and it got easier every time.  Within a couple more weeks, I noticed that there were guy clothes I could no longer wear because my nipples were getting rather, umm, pointy.   I began to feel ridiculous in guy mode and realized how completely fake it was.  I stopped caring about what anyone else thought of me and I just began wearing whatever I wanted to wherever I went. 

About a week later, we went to Vegas for a wonderful 3 day weekend.  I intentionally left the boy clothes/safety net at home.  It was "sink or swim" time.   It was a little bit nervewracking, but I was actually for the most part, passing.   I decided that weekend to make it all permanent.   I hatched a plan and came out to the world.  I told my therapist that I had gone full time, got my carry letter and had my HRT doses upped by the endo.

TL;DR- It wasn't one thing.  I just followed the path of least resistance.

[Mariah]

A good friend committing suicide who said I really needed to see a therapist and deal with my issues was what did it. The need to do it was growing, but it would have probably been a bit slower if it hadn't been for her suicide.
Mariah

[Minervham]

I guess I just got sick and tired of lying to my friends and family. Honesty is very important to me, and it killed me inside that I had t hide this huge part of me from the people I loved. Also, I was just at a stage in my life where I didn't have very many obstacles. I wasn't in a career yet, still in college, wasn't in any relationships, lived on my own, it just seemed like it was the perfect time. I felt that if I waited any longer I might never do it, or I'd find someone and then have to drag them and any kids I might've had through it too. But at the end of the day, I guess I just felt it was time. I woke up one day and said, "I can't go any further like this".

So over the next few days I figured out what I was going to say to my friends and family, and a few days later I got all my closest friends together in a restaurant to tell them. They thought I just picked up a new job with the government and was going overseas somewhere, or that I was going to tell them something horrible, like I had cancer or something. I had this huge speech planned, but I just kinda blurted it out. "I'm transgender". I had to explain what that meant, and it wasn't easy, but all of my friends (most of which are very conservative) all stuck by me, it caught them totally by surprise, but they were all really happy for me. Then one of my other friends came out as Bi right there as well, she was just waiting for someone else to do it first lol.

Coming out is like being in love, nobody can tell you your ready, you'll just know when it's time.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Frankie

Welcome to Susan's.  Quite a lot of us here are engineers, and I'll get to that in a moment, since it's worthy of some discussion.

Realisation that it's time to transition can come from a variety of factors.  After giving up on trying to be a hetero male I tried to be a gay male, but it never really made sense in my head.  That, together with a sense that it was now or never made me decide to transition.  I owed it to myself after half a lifetime of trying to deny it. 

On the subject of being a woman engineer in a predominantly male environment, well, it has its pros and cons.  It also depends on where you live and work, as some countries respect engineers highly, regardless of their gender.  Simply put, you're going to be a girl in a man's world, and you're going to be judged as a girl, and will need to be quite insistent at times to get things done the way you want, and to be heard.  I work for a Scandinavian company which is pushing for total gender equality, but regional differences do exist.  Here in Spain I am treated a little less seriously than in other places:  for a recent project in The Netherlands I was treated with much more seriousness.  It was gratifying.   Despite the occasional bit of casual chauvinism, transitioning remains the best decision I've taken in years!

[Rachel]

I realized I needed to get help and transition or I would attempt suicide again. I realized I had to help myself and I did not want to die; however, the pain of suppression grew to a point I had to do either or. 


BTW I am a Professional Engineer.

[alexbb]

"For me it was the realization that my fears, shame and hiding were the real toxic ingredients in my stew while being transgender was simply true.  Giving up the hiding and guarding was a dramatic relief and I only wanted greater freedom to be myself."

Couldnt have put it better myself.
i was going to top myself but then had a big family christmas and it was so lovely i knew i had to transition instead. if its do or die, do first right?

My dads an engineer, i work in the entertainment industry as a concept artist, which is a fancy name for industrial designer of imaginary things... i wonder if this tendency for mtf transwomen to be executive professionals is a real artefact of transgender neural wiring, or self selection based on income and there is in fact a silent population of people who never achieve sufficient social and financial independence to do it. no idea but its interesting.

i have found it a relief that at least in my business, professional respect seems to have carried over into my life as a transperson. ie nothing has changed, work continues to come in, no one ignores my ideas or complains about my rates more than they did before. i guess ultimately engineers tend to be pragmatic types; if something or someone does a good job, then thats fine. being much happier certainly helps in business relations and enjoying the project too.
i think times really have changed a lot even from when i was a teenager in the 90s. good.

[immortal gypsy]

Hello Frankie welcome to Susan's hope to see more of you around the forums.

What made me finally decided to transition?
Well to answer your question. I decided to stop giving a rats (church bell) about anyone else, and live my life for myself. I knew I was a girl for a long time. I knew wanted to transition I was just always thinking about how other family members would feel. The minute I stopped caring about how my family and friends would feel, and do something for me was the minute I knew I could transition

[DragonBeer]

The reality of the real world pushed me up against a corner and forced me to really examine my gender issues.

So I was graduating college last year and it hit me: I'm not a child anymore and I'm going to be expected to get a job. That's all fine and good but I was ashamed of myself. I didn't like who I was, I didn't like hearing ma'am and being referred to by my birth name and have female gender roles thrust on me. This greatly affected me in getting a job since I wasn't confident in myself because I was who I wanted to be. When I got one thanks to my mother, I felt so uncomfortable in it because I couldn't be myself and had to put with even more additional lying than I do at a regular basis. Long story short, I knew that I wasn't going to succeed at life being someone that I'm not. Hence, now I'm 4 months on hormones and trying to start from scratch by getting volunteer work.

[VivianK]

For me, I was sick and tired of literally drinking myself to death.  I lost my marriage over dressing, and I lost my last apartment because certain long term tenants became convinced that I was a crossdressing prostitute.  I just couldn't cope any longer with pretending to be a man (most of the time) anymore.

[lindagrl]

Hello Frankie
It was a combination of things, i was wearing female clothing more regularly, sick and tired of seeking comfort in a cannabis haze,
the way my marital life was developing, examining my past and my present ways and feeling and it just all of a sudden hit me,
this realization that i am not and have never been a man.  i finally understood who i am, an indescribable feeling of gladness and relief.
i still have days of doubt like you do, just yesterday i told my therapist i was not sure what the heck i am.
She has only had three sessions with me, but she has no doubt in her mind about me.  It´s good to get that, someone who
can see what is clearly there, i would recommend it. For us girls that are pre everything it helps when things get foggy.
All the best
Linda

[frankie88]

Hello,
Thanks for the warm welcome.

Im having such a terrible time with all of this.

Work is a big determining factor.
Luckily i currently am working in the Automotive Engineering field part time and am going to grad school in a state that is highly friendly to trans people.
However i will be moving to MI once i graduate and working full time in the field.
The my company has a known history of also being reasonably trans friendly.
I cant decide if i should try to transition now while in school or once i start/restart my career.
Currently the part time work i'm a part of is on the higher profile side for my company so either way the company will know that i am trans.
I also have published and will be publishing more shortly so that complicates things even further.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Frankie,

It sounds like you have no terrible imperative to transition, so then it becomes a case of balancing risk with benefit. 

If you are not undergoing extreme emotional stress by staying as you are, this gives you the luxury of choosing the moment.  Very few of us have this luxury and it's  both a good and bad thing.  I knew I was trans in my mid-20s but I only transitioned in my 40s.  I had an adequately successful life as a "hetero male" - started a company, got married, got divorced, but generally I lived ok.  I will say that I needed to keep myself very occupied to stop trans thoughts coming to the fore, but is being busy such a bad thing? 

So the upside is that I was pretty well established by the time I transitioned, and in my particular case it was extremely successful, and I remain grateful for the genetic quirks that gave me a small body.  The downside is the occasional sense of a partially missed opportunity.  It's not acute, but it's there from time to time when I see younger women and realise that a portion of their experiences have passed me by.  If I'd transitioned in my 20s I would have had a slightly more feminine body, as well as the opportunity to date guys on the "first time round" and be really true to myself.

That's the real point: do you really want to hide the essence of yourself from the world for who knows how many years?  You miss out and so do the people around you, as you are always hiding. It creates a distance, and people can feel it.

Does some of this make sense?

Hugs
J