Intro and REQ for help and guidance

[Heather Garcia]

Good Day,

Hi my name is Heather, my alias really...well who I really want to be.  Anyway, this is my attempt to get some help I guess.  For the last 8 years or so I have been extremely confused and I just had it.  It's taken a lot of me to come here and talk to total strangers about it, but I don't know what else to do.  I really don't know where to start; all I know is that I want to become a woman.  What has me so confused is that even though I want to become a woman I'm attracted to woman.  Am I just loosing it?   

I have been looking at HRT and the like and I'm just scared and have no idea where to start and how to start.  I've done a lot of research, I just don't know where to go.  Trial, go the whole way, so on.  I really hope I could get some help here.  Any response would be most appreciated.

[HelenW]

Hi, Heather, Welcome!

Gender issues are probably some of the most confusing things to deal with.  I know I went through decades of denial and confusion before I got to the point you are now.

My best suggestion is that you find and begin seeing a gender specializing therapist so you can discuss and receive help in deciding which way you want to go.  A therapist's referral is required for HRT.  You can fnd links to therapists sorted by country and state here: https://www.susans.org/Transitioning/Therapists/

In the meantime you can come here, visit with us, ask questions, present your ideas and hopefully find a home here the way I have.  If you haven't already, please read and remember to follow our Terms of Service: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html  And please don't limit yourself to the forums.  The WIKI is wonderful for factual information and Chat is great because you get to interact with people who really know where you're coming from in real time.

I'm happy to have made your acquaintance, Heather and hope we'll be seeing more from you real soon.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

[Suzy]

Hi, Heather!

So glad you found Susan's.  Your doubts and questions sound like what most of us come here with.  I admire the courage it takes to write that first post.  You are among friends.  In addition to Emelye's great advice, just get to know people who have been down this road.  Learn what they learned.  I've found nearly everyone here so willing to help when asked.  And you can likely teach us some things too.  I look forward to seeing what you post.

Peace,
Kristi

[MeghanAndrews]

Hey Heather,
I echo both Kristi and Emelye's statements, welcome! Take a look around, there's a great amount of resources available to you here. I think one of the most beneficial things may be just realizing that you ARE NOT alone in this Be open with yourself and I highly recommending getting a gender therapist and sorting out some of your feelings before even contemplating HRT. Take care, Meghan

[tinkerbell]

Hi Heather and welcome to Susan's!

Well, you are not alone, and that's for sure.  Gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate issues.  Gender refers to your identity as an individual; your core identity as being male, female or other.  Sexual orientation refers to your erotic feelings towards people of the same sex (homosexual), opposite sex (heterosexual), both sexes (bisexual), or neither sex (asexual).  There are many TS women here who identify as lesbian, and that is as perfectly normal as being attracted to men. 

Links that you may find helpful: 

http://www.pflag.org/Simiarities_and_Differences.784.0.html

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Sexuality_and_gender_identity-based_cultures

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Homosexuality_and_transgender

Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links posted at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

[Kate]

Hi Heather!

Nah, you're definately not "losing it." Honest! These are all things others have wrestled with too, as you'll see in poking around the forums.

Don't be scared. You're amoungst friends. We can't substitute for a good gender therapist, but we can offer encouragement and share our experiences. There's quite a bit of diversity here, both in experiences and opinion. Hopefully, you'll find some Truths which resonate within you.

HRT is a HUGE step, and generally not the place to "start." If you follow the Standards of Care, a therapist will require at *least* three months of therapy before recommending HRT. I realize that can seem like forever, but honestly... it's usually a good idea to have that breathing space to seriously examine your motives, and fully comprehend the consequences of a transition.

I'd love to hear more about you, and your story!

~Kate~

[Heather Garcia]

Well to answer some questions, gosh I'm really nervous, I have been battling this since I was like 17, I'm 31 now.  I know I have never been who I see myself in the mirror.  I've dressed up and even gone as far as "gone around" as a girl, but am too afraid to do so.  I feel right at home when I dress but my body doesn't match.  I have always tried to lead a "normal" life as a guy but just can't seem to do so.  My body feels awkward and miss being who I feel like being.  Its hard to put into words really.

I'm glad that I started talking to you all.  Some how I feel a little more at ease with you all, chatting specifically.  There aren't any people I know like me in my area, as far as I can tell.  Would be nice to have someone to sit with and chat about....

Thanks for all the help ladies.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Heather,

Welcome!!!

    The secret to happiness is find others with whom you can share your feelings with.  I think you will find that here on this site.  Whatever you do, take care of yourself. Don't let yourself get down if things don't fall into place immediately.  You have all the time in the world to learn all you need to know and to work out a plan to get yourself where you need to be.

    You may find yourself showing courage that you never thought yourself capable of.

I wish you well,


Rebis

[candifla]

Hey Heather,

We're about the same age. I've wanted to be a girl for a long time, but only discovered that it could happen a few years back with the wonders of HRT. So two years ago I made the decision to change my gender. I did a lot of reading online and research; and following the trailblazing of others, i've broken it down into logical steps:

1. Practice your female voice. (started sept 2005)
2. Start your facial hair removal. (started oct 2006)
3. Living part time female (started 7-21-07)
4. Therapy (started 7-28-07)

It's only just a month ago that I started to see a therapist. I think that before you even think of HRT, you should do those two things first (i.e. steps 1 and 2)--just because if you change your mind, they aren't life altering. In fact, probably not having to shave again is a good thing, male or female. So in the year it takes to get a decent female voice and to get some eradication of facial hair, you can do a lot of soul-searching on whether this is the path to take.

A therapist is good anytime. I only started late because I'm now ready for HRT and want to get it medically monitored instead of self-dosing.

oh yes, getting finances in order is a biggie to. If i do happen to lose my job when i transition, i have a decent nest egg to carry me through until i can land another job.

So, in the year or two it takes to clean the face, and get the voice down, save money!

Finally, for me, I've been able to work on my voice even more because I now live 3 days out of the week as female, and going out and meeting people has helped immeasurably with my voice work. No matter how passable my voice is on the recorder or even over the phone, talking to people face to face is much more demanding.

oh yes, i'm pre-HRT. so you can do a lot before you dabble in physical changes.

[Heather Garcia]

Wow I feel so blessed!  Thank you all so much.  I think I'm going to take your suggestion and start slowly.  I'm going to start with my voice; now how do I do that?    I think this would be the best for me and start taking baby steps.

Also does anyone know about any therapists in Orlando or Daytona Beack, Florida?  They are the closest towns to me.

Thank you all!  I feel that I'm getting somewhere now.


Heather

Hey Heather,

We're about the same age. I've wanted to be a girl for a long time, but only discovered that it could happen a few years back with the wonders of HRT. So two years ago I made the decision to change my gender. I did a lot of reading online and research; and following the trailblazing of others, i've broken it down into logical steps:

1. Practice your female voice. (started sept 2005)
2. Start your facial hair removal. (started oct 2006)
3. Living part time female (started 7-21-07)
4. Therapy (started 7-28-07)

It's only just a month ago that I started to see a therapist. I think that before you even think of HRT, you should do those two things first (i.e. steps 1 and 2)--just because if you change your mind, they aren't life altering. In fact, probably not having to shave again is a good thing, male or female. So in the year it takes to get a decent female voice and to get some eradication of facial hair, you can do a lot of soul-searching on whether this is the path to take.

A therapist is good anytime. I only started late because I'm now ready for HRT and want to get it medically monitored instead of self-dosing.

oh yes, getting finances in order is a biggie to. If i do happen to lose my job when i transition, i have a decent nest egg to carry me through until i can land another job.

So, in the year or two it takes to clean the face, and get the voice down, save money!

Finally, for me, I've been able to work on my voice even more because I now live 3 days out of the week as female, and going out and meeting people has helped immeasurably with my voice work. No matter how passable my voice is on the recorder or even over the phone, talking to people face to face is much more demanding.

oh yes, i'm pre-HRT. so you can do a lot before you dabble in physical changes.

[candifla]

Hey heather,

google Melanie Ann Phillips and Andrea James. I find that Melanie's CD to be helpful and in fact, I went down the road of the falsetto in that I spoke in that ridiculously high voice until I was able to bring it down a notch or two.

I bought a voice recorder. The Olympus DS-2 is perfect if you have a Mac.

I discovered that first starting out, I could only speak in falsetto for about  15min max before my voice is strained. Don't overdo it.

I'm no expert but I believe that the goal is to flex the muscles in your throat/voicebox that you've never used before, to allow your brain to adapt to speaking from the top of your voicebox. For me, it took years because I trained on and off during long work commutes.

Once I was able to speak in a fairly usable falsetto, I was able to relax and allow the voice to drop down to a normal range that is much MUCH more usable.

It will really  sound funny at first. You might even sound like a flaming homosexual, but the point is, to develop those cords.

Singing helps a ton. I sing a bit better in female than male--I've never much of a singer at all.

While you do this, look into laser and electrolysis. You don't have to go dressed as a woman, in fact, I went to all my sessions as a male and told my laser doc that I just am tired of shaving.

Finally, also, if you can, depending on your job, you might want to let the hair grow. I started to grow my hair out June of 2005 and now its just past the shoulder blades, almost middle back.

[Heather Garcia]

I'm going to go and start on what you said with the voice practice.  I guess that would be the best place at least until I can get some counseling.

Now the problem with my hair is that I have very thick hair.  I tried growing it out and even using straightener and it was a nightmare.  Wouldn't brush, hard to maintain and got even sticky.  Any other suggestions?

Thanks for the help!


Heather

[Kate]

Now the problem with my hair is that I have very thick hair.  I tried growing it out and even using straightener and it was a nightmare.  Wouldn't brush, hard to maintain and got even sticky.  Any other suggestions?

You can try a light, leave-in conditioner maybe? The kind you put onto damp hair and DON'T rinse out. It can really help smooth out tangles and all.

~Kate~

[Heather Garcia]

Now the problem with my hair is that I have very thick hair.  I tried growing it out and even using straightener and it was a nightmare.  Wouldn't brush, hard to maintain and got even sticky.  Any other suggestions?

You can try a light, leave-in conditioner maybe? The kind you put onto damp hair and DON'T rinse out. It can really help smooth out tangles and all.

~Kate~

I wish I had pictures.  I mean, its that bad.  I had to cut it all down to nothing to let it grow back.  I would like natural hair, but how?  I'll see if I can get a picture up here.


Heather

[candifla]

Heather,

one more thing...

Makeup. You want to start learning how to do makeup. You should see my first attempts (like no-way) because they are awful. Blue eyeshadow (done poorly) and too much lipstick. Talk about a trucker in makeup--that was me!

Women have all of teens to learn; plus they get the bonus of friends. We don't.

Makeup can be fun. So again, it's another woman thing you can learn before HRT.

The Internet is amazing for searching on techniques and looks. The stuff is just expensive, esp. trying to figure out the right foundation color.

[Heather Garcia]

Yeah that would be good too.  Would be nice to have someone to show you, but I'm good on research so I'll look around and see what I can find on that.  Any suggestions?

Heather

[Suzy]

Heather, I would suggest getting a makeover.  Maybe two, by different people.  It was the singly most helpful thing I've done.  After a lot of research I found one who was really good, and would teach me as she went.  She wrote down exactly what I needed to buy, and then took pics so I could remember them.  I'm still not as good as she is at doing my makeup, but it eliminated a lot of the guesswork and I'm getting better.

Best of Luck!

Kristi

[NickSister]

I would just like to comment that I'm really amazed at how positive this is turning out for you Heather, getting some great direction, allowing yourself to take it slow and create a good base for your likely eventual transition. Totally primo posts Candi, identifying the similarities and understanding what Heather needed and making the connection.

It is just exciting seeing the quick change from your first post where you sounded a bit lost and confused to sounding confident, focused and happy. 

There will be ups and downs along the road but it will be all worth it. I am really happy that you have found your direction and hope things go great for you. Keep us posted.

[Heather Garcia]

I would just like to comment that I'm really amazed at how positive this is turning out for you Heather, getting some great direction, allowing yourself to take it slow and create a good base for your likely eventual transition. Totally primo posts Candi, identifying the similarities and understanding what Heather needed and making the connection.

It is just exciting seeing the quick change from your first post where you sounded a bit lost and confused to sounding confident, focused and happy. 

There will be ups and downs along the road but it will be all worth it. I am really happy that you have found your direction and hope things go great for you. Keep us posted.

I have been feeling better since I have someone to talk to about it now.  Its nice since I don't keep it bottled up anymore.  I thought I was going to burst and just cry about it; now at least I have a direction an purpose.

I think I'm going to use that suggestion.  I did find some people online that do the makeovers, but again nothing locally to me.  I'm going to have to travel for this one.  If anyone know anything around in Florida, let me know.  Central Florida too!

Thanks all for all your help.  I'll keep posting here or in the other sections.

Heather

[RebeccaFog]

Crying is good.  Sometimes it actually feels great to do.  Last year I cried for about 3 months straight.  I had a lot of happiness and sorrows.