How long until you felt "real"?

[Ara]

Hey everyone,

I just came out to most people recently, and I've started to dress the way I like part time (full time is dangerous for me at this point).  I'm pre-everything and just starting to transition.
Something bugging me is that it kind of feels a bit wrong at the moment to call myself a woman (it's MORE wrong to call myself a man, though I think coming out has eased those feelings because I'm being honest now.)  It might be because woman seems to be someone more adult (I'm 21, I feel pretty young still), but I suspect it's because I still live "as a man" sometimes, and my body is still definitely male because I've done nothing medical yet.

So my question is, when did you feel on the inside that your preferred gender was something you were without question?  There'll be some of you who felt that all along, I'm sure, but are there those of you who it took a while grasp your true identity?  I am only a few days into this level of transition and honesty so it's super early for me.

[Mariah]

Ara, I didn't have any doubts coming in and I knew from a young age. However, the final thing that really hit it home for me was that first therapy session which is also the day I got rid of any remaining male clothing that I owned. After that I had know doubts, but to truly see it in the mirror to didn't happen tell after I was on HRT for a couple of months.

Hey everyone,

I just came out to most people recently, and I've started to dress the way I like part time (full time is dangerous for me at this point).  I'm pre-everything and just starting to transition.
Something bugging me is that it kind of feels a bit wrong at the moment to call myself a woman (it's MORE wrong to call myself a man, though I think coming out has eased those feelings because I'm being honest now.)  It might be because woman seems to be someone more adult (I'm 21, I feel pretty young still), but I suspect it's because I still live "as a man" sometimes, and my body is still definitely male because I've done nothing medical yet.

So my question is, when did you feel on the inside that your preferred gender was something you were without question?  There'll be some of you who felt that all along, I'm sure, but are there those of you who it took a while grasp your true identity?  I am only a few days into this level of transition and honesty so it's super early for me.

[Ms Grace]

I understand what you're asking but it's really hard to answer. Although I knew I was female, my physical body, my clothes, my socialisation and male gendering made it seem very hard to believe I wasn't just "pretending to be a woman". Then I realised what I really needed to do was stop pretending to be a man because that's what I'd been doing for most of my adult life. Once I did that, I felt real right away.

[suzifrommd]

So my question is, when did you feel on the inside that your preferred gender was something you were without question?  There'll be some of you who felt that all along, I'm sure, but are there those of you who it took a while grasp your true identity?  I am only a few days into this level of transition and honesty so it's super early for me.

I've been fulltime for a year and a half and post-op for six months and I'm still waiting for it to happen. Sometimes I feel like a man. Sometimes a woman. Sometimes just me.

Doesn't matter. I expect the world to see me as a woman, and that's what's important to me. My gender therapist cautions against paying too much attention to what I FEEL like and pay more attention to how I want to live.

Make sense?

[Ara]

Thank you everyone for the responses, they help a lot!

I'm glad to know that you sometimes feel it even now, suzifrommd.  It puts less pressure on me to hit some kind of mark.  For a while I was concerned that transitioning might actually be wrong for me if I'm meeting this, but I'm very sure it's the right thing to do.  Living as a girl is important to me.  I just don't like the word "woman" applying to me just yet, I don't know why.

[Mariah]

I wouldn't focus so hard on the words applied to you but rather focus on the words that you are comfortable having applied o you. The first time around before I backed of for family reasons certain words didn't feel comfortable either and I never did learn why yet I've known what I've wanted and needed all my life. Just because your not meeting this doesn't mean it is wrong for you at all. Each of us is different and unique and what we are comfortable with will be varied. Focus on being you and what you want to accomplish from your transition and not some of the words so much and you will find your happier with things much quicker. I know when I get hung up on words that it does tend to detract from my happiness. Find what works for you. Hugs and good luck
Mariah

Thank you everyone for the responses, they help a lot!

I'm glad to know that you sometimes feel it even now, suzifrommd.  It puts less pressure on me to hit some kind of mark.  For a while I was concerned that transitioning might actually be wrong for me if I'm meeting this, but I'm very sure it's the right thing to do.  Living as a girl is important to me.  I just don't like the word "woman" applying to me just yet, I don't know why.

[LizMarie]

Ara, a recent study shows that transgender kids who are accepted by their parents at a young age are as sure of their gender identity as cisgender kids.

This raises the question of why so many of us who were not accepted by family have so many doubts. But I think it points towards the cultural conditioning we received from the expectations of others. That conditioning is very deep and can be hard to ever completely eradicate. You're not at all alone with those who wonder and doubt. But increasingly I believe that we're simply products of our environment. I've found that focusing on the source of those doubts - how everyone else chose to perceive me and then demanded behavior of me - is now helping me to set aside those doubts.

The further I go with these mental exercises, confronting those sources of doubt in my head, and the further I go into full time with constant real life acceptance as a woman, the less and less my doubts become about how "real" I really am. I may never get rid of all of these doubts but I now believe I understand why I have them and how to deal with them when they arise.

I hope you find peace and happiness in your path. Learning to manage and conquer my own self doubts has been part of my path towards peace and happiness.

[Taius]

You know...as a child I knew something was wrong.
I'd be told I'd look like my mom or sister, and it would dig into me, and terrified me more than anything.
I'd want to look like my dad when I was little, but everyone kept telling me that no...I'll be a pretty girl.

Eventually...that automatic knowing of what's right, and what's wrong was suppressed by trying to live in other people's expectations.

It wasn't until a few months ago, that I finally decided to stop pretending, to be myself at all costs. So I can confidently say that right now, I know what I want, and feel as sure as I've ever felt about anything.
But...even though I knew I was always aware of it...I can't say I knew for certain whether I'd want to go through with it until I decided that in my heart, I was a male.
I guess for me, it stayed in the background as a small yearning, a passing thought here and there for years, up until it just...clicked. And then it was right.

[Hikari]

Sometime after I started HRT, I just started feeling "Real".....It is a bit strange to think, that feels so long ago, but i was only really about a year ago.

[Carrie Liz]

The shock over "omg, ME? A girl? Do I really deserve to call myself that?" wore off a few months after I finally got a job as my identity gender for the very first time. Being gendered female, calling myself a woman, and expecting people to see me and accept me as such because "it's just who I am" took that long for me, when I finally looked back and realized that I'd settled in, and that I really was experiencing EXACTLY what every cis-woman experiences socially.

In terms of feeling "real," though? Nope. Not yet. I still feel like a different class of woman than cis-women. I still feel like they're "real" women, while I'm still just a fake ****** ***** (insert internalized-transphobic slur here.) So yeah... a woman? In terms of being gendered female and seeing myself as a woman? A few months after going full-time and going to work that way. Really feel like a woman in the same way that cis-women are women, though, and just take it for granted? Not yet. I still feel inadequate, 10 months into full-time and 6 months into this new job.

[Ive]

Helo Ara (or Daria? ),
Hello everyone,

I think I share your very same feelings.
I don't know why, but some days it happens.

I'm quite new to the forum, I already wrote something, but I'm still very "floating".
Short story about me: man-born, 32 y.o., living away from my home since 6 years, discovered feelings for guys, then discovered to be feminine, then realised I was (always) a girl. This was in June, 2014, 7 months ago. Since then, some days I'm saying "that's it! That's why I struggled all my life, and felt different and weak", other days I act as the woman I feel, and other days... like today... I want to continue to be a man.

There is a point in all this. I'm not having the time to live my "oscillation" between the male and the female in me.
I've got a Ph.D. to finish in two weeks.

But two strong points.
1) I feel I "have to" act as a man. And that's not related to my sexual orientation.
I agree with Grace (great person that I would like to congratulate for her courage!), when she says:

Then I realised what I really needed to do was stop pretending to be a man because that's what I'd been doing for most of my adult life. Once I did that, I felt real right away.

2) I need to process my feelings. No way to do it now, so that's bad. And "probably" that's why I don't know still what/where I am.

3) When this gets worse and I don't want to be called "she", probably I'm self-denial, also because I worked hard to build the masculine image that I have, running away from the feeling and sensations that had me feel I was different.
But the final (and great, and beautiful) result is that I AM different. I know I am a transsexual woman. That's the only thing that opens my eyes, my heart, and shows a path, my life.

Kiss,
Iv*

[sonson]

But I think it points towards the cultural conditioning we received from the expectations of others. That conditioning is very deep and can be hard to ever completely eradicate. You're not at all alone with those who wonder and doubt. But increasingly I believe that we're simply products of our environment.

I agree with this completely. In the end, "woman" "man" "girl" etc are just words, and they only mean what we make them mean. A lifetime of being conditioned to think of yourself as a "man" or "boy" is a hard thing to break. I know I have trouble with it. Im pre transition and it feels awkward to think of myself with female labels. but I just remind myself that thats all they are- labels. a combination of grunts that we assign meaning to, and nothing more

[Ive]

I completely agree.
Eradicating feelings like "feeling guilty 'cause you feel different" it is hard, very hard.

By the way, there is also something that I think depends on each of us, only.
Am I a woman or a transsexual woman?

[AnonyMs]

I've been fulltime for a year and a half and post-op for six months and I'm still waiting for it to happen. Sometimes I feel like a man. Sometimes a woman. Sometimes just me.

Doesn't matter. I expect the world to see me as a woman, and that's what's important to me. My gender therapist cautions against paying too much attention to what I FEEL like and pay more attention to how I want to live.

I really like that quote. I'm presenting male even though on HRT, and it fits me perfectly. I don't particularly feel female, and presenting male is definitely not helping with that. It bothers me a bit. I've come to realize I've no idea how it feels to be male or female. I'm just me. The one thing I do know is I can't go back to before. Its not survivable.

I'd like to try presenting female, but I can't at the moment, or at least I choose not to. I'm not sure I understand my real identity and I'd like to.

[Damara]

This topic really resonates with me...

I still feel like a different class of woman than cis-women. I still feel like they're "real" women, while I'm still just a fake ****** ***** (insert internalized-transphobic slur here.) So yeah... a woman? In terms of being gendered female and seeing myself as a woman? A few months after going full-time and going to work that way. Really feel like a woman in the same way that cis-women are women, though, and just take it for granted? Not yet. I still feel inadequate, 10 months into full-time and 6 months into this new job.

This! I've been "officially" presenting female since October 31 2014... That's not long in the grand scheme of things, but it is quite a while for someone who never felt "ok as a guy." But I too still feel like a being outside of "real" womanhood, and it's so frustrating. I am much happier overall but these feelings of "Omg, I'm a fraud woman thing" creep up more than I'd like.. I've made a topic about this same thing in the past... I just try to live everyday as I can. Being me.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Im 67 .

I had to grow into becoming a woman I had to grow into a woman .

Being a woman just does not happen over night its a process that takes time and like all of those of us who are female we all have to grow up  well most of us any way, I did not transition because of how I was born .

How long before I felt real,   from age 10  before then I had a mind blank so nothing mattered before then, why age 10 because my mind woke up and I knew I was different yet was okay with that . I  never doubted my self and never have.

For myself it was never about clothes or what I wore it was about knowing who I was and how I was to live as normal as any female  I did in many aspects though in some I could not because how my body was configgered  yet even that did not matter ,

  i knew the time would come and and every thing would be sorted ,  So knowing who you are is really what its about then Knowing you can live life as normal and this to me is what it was about,

The  real ?  is do you accept your self or can you ,,seems to me you have doubts about your self  maybe  the age difference between us will account for many things  and brought up in a way that did not put restraints on who I was  I was never told / forced to be a boy or girl  and it would not have worked ether way .

Though things were very different and harder for myself as a young kid abuse in the family,   im pleased  we got  away from that Mom  and I yet none of that changed who I was ,

Just accept your self for who you are, and go on from there,

...noeleena...

[Jill F]

I understand what you're asking but it's really hard to answer. Although I knew I was female, my physical body, my clothes, my socialisation and male gendering made it seem very hard to believe I wasn't just "pretending to be a woman". Then I realised what I really needed to do was stop pretending to be a man because that's what I'd been doing for most of my adult life. Once I did that, I felt real right away.

^This for sure!^

I was essentially going to say the same thing, but Grace beat me to it.

[Northern Jane]

I fought against my 'assigned gender' from earliest childhood and it was hard to get SRS in the early 1970s. The moment I woke up from surgery, I KNEW I was finally a woman, full and complete, and never looked back!