Does this make sense?

[orangejuice]

I've been on here a lot in the last few months talking about myself. Sorry to do it again. I'm not this self-involved in real life. It's just this site has been really good to come to for advice.

I'm pretty sure I have gender dysphoria, but the thing is I just can't rule out for certain an alternative theory that this feeling has been created more by circumstances. I'd just like to know what people thought and if this seems plausible. Here's my theory-

At some point very early, at 3 or 4, I happened to put on my sisters clothing, dress up like she did when we were playing just because it was what she was doing. I was then made aware at a very early age that doing so was somehow 'wrong'. I don't ever remember not knowing that the desire I had to put on my sisters clothes was wrong. I hid it from pretty much the very start, which was as young as I can remember- 3 or 4. Because I had been made aware that it was wrong maybe it somehow became more desirable in the way that things seem to do,and I continued to do it my whole life.

This early exposure to something 'taboo' could have caused some kind of early onset of sexual desires. Before is normal, as in before puberty, I had dreams where I would orgasm. These dreams involved girls, but because they happened so early I was dreaming about sex before I even understood what it was, and just by sheer chance I happened to imagine the sensation of being penetrated rather than penetrating. Sorry if this is a bit much. This would explain why in my teenage years I always felt attracted to girls, yet when the time came to actually have sex it felt very wrong to me and I just couldn't do it. Maybe my brain was just wired to expect it to be as I had imagined from a young age.

I used to lie in bed at night and wish I would wake up a girl the next day. Again this started as early as I can remember. The thing about me is I didn't really have any of the negative feelings about being a boy, for more or less my entire childhood and teenage years. I only had the other side of it in that the idea of being a girl would be like a dream come true to me. I'd lie in bed at night and think about being able to fly, or growing up and playing for my football team, or waking up the next day and being a girl. I think there's truth in that the things that we allow to become ingrained in our subconscious become hard to shift. It's just like a habit, repeating a pattern of thought. And it seems that the time when our subconscious is more susceptible to ideas is prior to sleep. I mean I'm no expert but any time I've read up about meditation they always say do it before sleep. Also it just seems to make sense because obviously it is our subconscious mind that takes over when we sleep. I also think there is truth in the idea that again the more something becomes ingrained in our subconscious the more likely it is that without realising it we move towards that reality.

So here is my theory. The time when I used to imagine this fantasy of being a girl was exactly at that susceptible time, before sleeping. I did it a lot and in great detail. I imagined the feeling of my body in the bed as I woke up. I imagined the feeling of putting on girls clothes for school. I imagined going to the girls in my class sleepovers instead of my own friends and what we would do there. I imagined growing up and being a lawyer, which I went on to study, but I imagined doing it as a woman, what I would wear, how I would look in court, what my day would be like. I even imagined getting married and  being a Mum.

So I've now had 25 years of drumming this fantasy into my subconscious. And here is the important part for my theory- the whole time I was doing this, from childhood to 18 at least, when I woke up the next day I was perfectly happy to be a guy. I went to school and went about my life and didn't think or feel in any way negative about the gender that I was. Retrospectively I can look back and say ok maybe that feeling that I had can be explained by the fact that I had some degree of gender dysphoria that I wasn't aware of, but I think it might be more important to think about how I actually felt at the time. The way I felt at the time was not uncomfortable with being a guy at all. Not at all. In fact I was pretty good at it.  The first thing I noticed was at 18 and the feeling of being uncomfortable with sex, but before that I had a very stereotypical guys life and I was completely happy with it.

So.... I didn't feel bad that I thought about these things at night, which allowed me to do it without worrying about the path it might be leading me down or the extremely powerful desire it was creating. I sometimes think that if I try and replace all that visualisation with something else I might be able to start reducing this feeling that I have of wanting to be a girl. I mean if every night I lie in bed and imagine the perfect life as a guy and being happy as who I am then maybe eventually that will start to be what I want?

What do you think? Do you think that seems a plausible explanation?

[Audietta01]

I am preparing a history for my therapist and suggest yo do so too. Separately trace indications of gendered behavior separating sexual orientation from gender indicators. No one can sort this better than you...and it will be your decision. Figure out the chacter flaws that you developed as a child to survive your family. Note those in a separate section. The look for a point when your true self and your false self went in separate directions. Then note detailed examples of gender indicating actions, ecperiences and fellings that support your thesis.

Not easy but unless you understand when yout true self split you may not see the personality overlays you have added as a defense against that which you are trying to deny. Disphoria is like a eggshell broken from the inside by the part of you you are trying to block.
Start the paper with a summary after finding the above indicators should give you a better self assessment. That is how I am approaching it. It gets rid of your filters which is the key to taking ownership.

[kelly_aus]

What do you think? Do you think that seems a plausible explanation?

Reads like a justification for denial that sounds about as plausible as the 'science' behind it - it's pretty lacking.

[Ms Grace]

It's pretty common to try and reinterpret earlier behaviour to try and find a different explanation for being trans. I could say exactly the same things about some of what I used to do when I was younger. I appreciate you are trying to make yourself sure and that deep down you probably wish you weren't trans...but these concerns are ultimately best discussed with a therapist.

[orangejuice]

Ye unfortunately I am at a bit of a stand still therapy wise that is why I'm venting on here. I saw a gender therapist 4 times and she basically said on my first visit that she thought it was 'probably' gender dysphoria. Her reason being the existence of the feelings at a young age. But I did ask her on one occasion how can she be sure its not the above scenario and she said she can't be sure. I get that its up to me in the end. I'm not even sure that it matters. Even if all the feelings arose in the way described above then it seems the outcome is the same anyway.

Even though I said all this the only reason I'm now re-questioning is because I've been having some random health problems which I initially thought were a reaction to being on a testosterone blocker. I felt pretty good at taking it. I was going to take it for a month to see if it gave me a clearer picture. But I got sick after 6 days and now two months after stopping I haven't really got to the bottom of what is wrong with me. I've been told by a few doctors now that it doesn't seem like a reaction to the drug. Anyway I have just left all this gender stuff on the back burner for the time being. So its all swirling around in my head again.

I'm just really struggling to imagine being happy either way. I'm really sad now when I wasn't before. Its like looking this thing in the eye was a bad idea. I spend so much more time now wishing I was a girl and being really sad about my body. All my bad features in terms of passing are things that surgery or HRT can't change and its hard to imagine even if I went through with HRT that I wouldn't feel just as sad if not more so about those things if I cave in and try to see a girl when I look in the mirror.

[Rachel]

Hi OJ,

Dysphoria does not go away. With HRT dysphoria is lessened but it is still there (at least for me).

It sounds like you are fighting who you are.

[sonson]

Hi Orangejuice.

Thats a pretty good theory. it seems believable enough, but personally I dont believe it. I dont mean to sound harsh but I think you are still in denial.
I know where you're coming from, Ive had a ton of theories come and go about why I feel the way I do. it helped me recently to think of the brain in freudian terms, the id, ego, and super ego.

to put it as simply as i can, the desire to be female is coming from your id (your instinctual desires), and your desire to NOT desire to be female comes from your super ego (desires from societal pressures). the sadness you feel is a result of this inner conflict, and the ego (you essentially) is having trouble mediating between them. coming up with theories like this is your ego's way of attempting to rationalize why you feel the way you do, while satisfying the authoritative desires of your super ego. hope this makes sense 

you can read up on it here if you'd like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego
after I started thinking of my brain in these terms, felt like I was able to analyze my female desires from a truly objective standpoint, rather than analyze them from a negative point of view. I'm not saying Im happy about having these desires, but I at least dont fear them anymore.
now the next question is: why does your id have the desire to be female? I wish I had the answer to that one....

[orangejuice]

Hi Orangejuice.

Thats a pretty good theory. it seems believable enough, but personally I dont believe it. I dont mean to sound harsh but I think you are still in denial.
I know where you're coming from, Ive had a ton of theories come and go about why I feel the way I do. it helped me recently to think of the brain in freudian terms, the id, ego, and super ego.

to put it as simply as i can, the desire to be female is coming from your id (your instinctual desires), and your desire to NOT desire to be female comes from your super ego (desires from societal pressures). the sadness you feel is a result of this inner conflict, and the ego (you essentially) is having trouble mediating between them. coming up with theories like this is your ego's way of attempting to rationalize why you feel the way you do, while satisfying the authoritative desires of your super ego. hope this makes sense 

you can read up on it here if you'd like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego
after I started thinking of my brain in these terms, felt like I was able to analyze my female desires from a truly objective standpoint, rather than analyze them from a negative point of view. I'm not saying Im happy about having these desires, but I at least dont fear them anymore.
now the next question is: why does your id have the desire to be female? I wish I had the answer to that one....

Hi Sonson, thanks for the reply. Ye I suppose for me I'm completely terrified that my 'id' as the article put it and my 'super-ego', the stuff I've learned and made part of me because of environmental pressures, have gone in completely opposite directions and now they are irreconcilable. I mean your super ego is still part of you, even if you've learnt it, isn't it? You could say its more part of you, because its what you have actually chosen? It seems pretty hard to just drop that side of you.

I do for the most part believe all of that about being born with stuff like this. But I do think we are subjected to all kinds of influences from the minute we are born. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that for me personally I couldn't rule out there are things that have taken hold at as young as say 2 years old, which to all intents and purposes is the same as 'born with it' , and which  I would include in that definition. I mean how can you prove that? You are not aware of the influences you are being subjected to, have no memory of them, and have no idea how you might have reacted emotionally to external things that could have had an impact on your brain before you are even self-aware? But ye I'm aware that the current science on things like being transgender is you are just born with, and if I had to bet I would say I believe that to be true.

I'm really just trying to find a possible route to being happy. Not going to lie I'm struggling a bit at the moment. I think because this was always a fantasy for me, the desire to be a girl, and that is where I kept it in my head. Then about 6 months ago I considered the fact that I might be transgender and suddenly it wasn't just a dream it was something that I could actually do something about. The week when I first had that realisation  I was ecstatic. But because it was now real I started looking at myself differently, and I suppose in the last 6 months I have developed the dysphoria that I previously didn't think I had and used that fact to dismiss the idea that I could be transgender. Now it just kills me with sadness when I see young transitioners or people who are lucky enough to have the physical attributes to do it successfully. I don't and now I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the life I could have had. I could have enjoyed life instead of just feeling like I'm passing time.

[Carrie Liz]

Lots of cis guys who have sisters dress in their clothes out of curiosity.

Lots of cis guys are curious about what it would be like to be a girl.

None of them actually start wishing they they were a girl, feeling like wearing those clothes and expressing themselves in that way is what would feel "right" to them.

Likewise, as a kid, I NEVER dressed in female clothing. I had a perfectly ordinary childhood, and then all of a sudden when puberty hit me, I started hating my body and experiencing gender dysphoria where suddenly I wished I was a girl.

Wearing feminine clothes as a kid doesn't make you trans. They're independent variables that sometimes intersect. And unless someone had severe childhood trauma, to the point where they were forming schemas in their minds where they found comfort and security in an alternate self to escape from an uncomfortable reality, leading them to falsely believe that they want to be female when they're actually only using it to escape the feelings associated with that trauma, the odds are slim to none that there's a cause-effect.

[ChiGirl]

I knew from early on I wanted to be a girl, but I never dressed in girl's clothes until college and even then it was limited.  The clothes were never the thing for me.  But I have no doubts I am transgender.

[alexbb]

"I only had the other side of it in that the idea of being a girl would be like a dream come true to me."

Too true. it really feels that way. i dont know about your theory, im waiting till they can do brain scans down to individual neurones and betting there are artefacts in the brains of trans people visible to those scans that make them so. i imagine in future there might be a second way to transition; they put some machines into your brain and rewire those parts to make mtf peoples brains match their bodies rather than vice versa.
i started pilfering clothes from my 2 sisters and my mum when i was 5 or 6, knew it was to be kept secret, dream of being a girl, crossdressed till i was 12 then got sent to all-boys boarding school (hell) then just repressed it as hard as i could, tried to ->-bleeped-<- all the girls i could to prove i was a real guy, even loved a couple of them... got to 32 and was ready to kill myself but thought, if its do or die, lets try doing first. glad i did i love it. i sometimes think, hmm, maybe im not trans, then think, dude youre sitting legs crossed, drinking wine with ur girlfriends, wearing womens clothes and full makeup and you feel better than youve ever felt in hour life. youre trans pal, like it or not. so work hard, keep going to the gym,  get on hrt, save up for FFS, lets do this. and maybe one day youll be a woman like u always wanted. thats the conversation i have with myself usually!

[orangejuice]

I'm waiting till they can do brain scans down to individual neurones and betting there are artefacts in the brains of trans people visible to those scans that make them so. i imagine in future there might be a second way to transition; they put some machines into your brain and rewire those parts to make mtf peoples brains match their bodies rather than vice versa.

That would be amazing if there was such a clear cut way of diagnosing it. I definitely think there would be similar things in terms of brain activity that would be visible if you were transgender, as for an actual physical difference in the brain I dunno. But I guess it's kinda the same thing anyway. I mean if who we are is just the sum of all the different neurological pathways that exist in our brains and with all the cool stuff they are learning these days about brain plasticity, then, I dunno, is there stuff that is completely unchangeable? I mean there obviously is. I've just always been really interested in thinking about this stuff and having to try and understand something  like being transgender gives you a pretty unique insight. If we are more than just the sum of the physical connections in our mind. Do we have a soul? And where is it if we do? Maybe that's where this feeling comes from. Haha sorry I'm feeling deep.