Hello everyone. I hope I do not say anything wrong here since I'm not a person who has transitioned or anything similar. I'll give you a background of myself to those who might care !
I'm a 26 year old male and as far as I know I'm straight. When I was between the ages of 9 and 11 (can't recall exactly where in between) the thought came up in my head that I might be gay. I remember seeing a psychologist for this and the thought never came to mind again and I never acted on it. Actually, I was attracted to women before that happen and after as well. Oh before I go on I must say that I suffer from severe OCD and anxiety. Anyway, when I turned 18 or so this intrusive thought popped up in my head again and has been there on an off until this day. The thing about it is that I've never acted on it for this reason... I've always like women and that's what I want to be attracted to as well and it's like I've been never been 100% if these were real gay thoughts or actually HOCD which I was diagnosed with. For those who do not know HOCD stands for homosexual ocd. I don't have anything against gay people, it's just that I don't know... that's not what I want, it's hard to explain. Oh and I do fit on the rituals of checking and such related to HOCD.
You all might be thinking what this has to do with being a male to female transsexual of course. Well this is where that part comes into play... a few weeks ago I saw a movie with a female to male transsexual involved and they explained how it's actually one is born with it and feels trapped in the wrong body. Until then, I thought that being a transsexual was a choice actually (I apologize for my ignorance). Since then I've been terrified in some way since I thought like "well, maybe you find straight men attractive and never did anything with a gay male because you are supposed to be a straight woman dating a straight male". I know, it sounds confusing but something like that popped up in my head.
Bottom line, since then I've been even more confused than ever before. I went from being afraid of being gay to being afraid of being a male to female transsexual and here's where I'd love to see if someone here, since you all know 100% that you wanted to transition can give me some feedback.
The thought or doubt of being a woman trapped inside a male body never crossed my mind until this happened. I've always been however, a little different from the other guys but not in the same way as most m to f stories. I've never cross dressed or played with anyone's makeup. I really liked stuff that other kids liked such as playing with toys, video games, etc. However, I've always been a little more sensitive than other males. I've always had a hard time standing my ground since I think too much about others. I'd get bullied on and do nothing since I've been terrified of aggression. While all the other kids like being physical and such, I just couldn't even to this day. I always have this feeling that I like being surrounded by confident men... (I'm not confident at all), it's like it makes me feel good, like taken care of. Since I was 16 I've always have issues with my appearance and I have some BDD issues with many things in my body including face. The thing about this is that once again, I'd worry about things that actually did not look masculine enough and bothered me. Like I said before, I'm very sentimental and I like cute stuff. I don't act feminine at all however.
Well, all this leads to my question and maybe advise of you all ! Has anyone feel like this before? Or did you all knew from a young age that you wanted to be a woman? My worries are that many of this things might reflect that maybe I should be a woman but never realized it until now that I found out such a thing exists? By the way and no offense to anyone once again... If I could choose I'd like to be a man, but I don't know... since this I feel like I see my body and I don't see one... I'm very confused.
I'd really appreciate your advise and support,
Thank you !
