giving up

[jody2015]

i can relate to the over the top sex drive and that caused me great body dysphoria. i was trying to not confront my gender issues and that just reminded me. any way i got treated for that and i liked how i felt after. regardless i would stay on the treatment for that he down side being the health side,bone density ect. so i made the leap and asked for estrogen ect part i want to further my change and as well as the health bit i want to see how i feel. my journey this far is by no means the normal way of transition. the first part was self preservation as well as an answer to whether i had a runaway sexual fantasy.having hidden and fought the gender feeling for so long i think i wanted them all out in one go which wouldnt work,i was filling in gaps with guesswork. i identified as gay for a long time but that was i didnt feel male. like a lot on the outside i have looked very male and buried myself in work. i have a current problem i like doing some things ive always done but now i fear the arnt seen as very lady like. im falling into the perceived stereotype that i think people accept. i always said i have a vision of how i will be but i have drifted away from that in the fear that i end up isolated from all worlds.

[AnonyMs]

I can really relate to some of what you say. I'm not bipolar though, and I've no idea what that's like.

The sex drive is confusing, and I couldn't really work out if it was fantasy or not. You have to wonder. I don't think I ever managed to work out anything before HRT, only that I couldn't keep on like that and had to do something else apart from think about it all the time. HRT cleared it up pretty quickly though.

After all my gender issues blew up, the best times I've had are when I gave up, and the worst are when I fought it. There's no use in fighting yourself, especially if its to conform with something that's fundamentally not you. But its hard to be different, and its ingrained over the years that we shouldn't be. Then if you're different in this community as well, it doesn't really help.

When I gave up the last time, I finally realized its a hopeless battle that I'm never going to win. Just go with it and see where it leads, and don't worry what anyone else thinks. Its leading you to yourself and that can only be good.

I don't think you had much of a choice with the bone problems. It may seem fine at the moment, but eventually it would have caught up with you and I believe it can be pretty bad. And you still would have had the gender issues. Two problems instead of one.

Please keep us updated with how the estrogen goes.

[jody2015]

ill let you know how it goes with the doc. one of the things i asked for was a long acting antiandrogen,theres one that lasts 3 months at a time. i was lucky at the time i managed to be in a state where i could push for help with the sex problem. it was ironic that it curbed one problem and answered another but then came the problem i had to cope with that.bipolar sends you hyper.you climb to a high where you rule the world. it can cause hypersexuality and reckless sexual behaviors. then at some point you crash into a depression. i managed to act when i was in the stable bit in between the moods and due to the nature of how i was acting they treated me.it wasnt then for gender issues i didnt visit a gender doc. i pushed for it the normal docs ran a mile. there was a time after that the bipolar and realization the gender issues wernt a fantasy that i fell apart. even now the time line of what happened when is blurred. the outcome after was i stayed on the antiandrogen and once more stable had assessment ect and the gender issue was confirmed. in the months this took i still have mood swings but these are been treated with mood stabalizers. i have always said to the docs if the mood swings dont get under control then transition would be an issue. i know if you have mental health issues then people keep their distance but hiding away isnt the answer. i try to understand my bipolar and other issues but the moods can blur the truth. people tell you to get control but i can only describe it as if you are heavily drunk try to make yourself sober.  one day id like to help others who suffer like this,unless you have been through it its hard to understand its affects. my offical diagnosis is called cyclothimia which is supposed to be a milder form of bipolar but with quicker rates of mood swings.the highs and lows are rated as less. the problem is you can progress from this to bipolar without realizing it. this may be a different subject than the forum is aimed at but they are inter linked. if a mood drop catches you when you are doubtful about things then like i have you cancel everything.you bin medication you lash out at people and your mood spirals down. after the episode passes, you then have to try to correct what you have done. ive said it before you can ruin months of effort in 2 days. im lucky that after some time and me being a persistent cow my docs know what im like and wait until ive cracked out of it.. ive learnt to warn people when i can. people say well if you know what your like then just dont do it.problem is it doesnt work like that. the highs and lows take over. your on a ride you cant get off. one of the serious sides is if you mood drops too low you can think of self harm. thats not a subject for on here.  this by far doesnt cover all the problems of bipolar type disorders. learning to take time is one coping strategy. trouble is it doesnt always work. like annoyms said the feeling of giving up does give a good feeling but it doesn't last.  i think eventually the feelings of failing and all that goes with transitioning are less that the running away.

[Obfuskatie]

I had cyclothymia as well.  I was diagnosed in my early 20s and prescribed a mild does of an anti-psychotic.  It worked relatively well for a long time, but it didn't address any of my gender issues.  It made me feel like a robot to take the prescription, but I hated what I was like when I was off of it.  It didn't stop my suicidal thoughts however, and after several years I finally came out to a few supportive people and got help.
  After I started HRT, my emotions were all over the place, as I wasn't used to doing much with them apart from bottling them up.  It took time to get used to estrogen, but I slowly stopped cycling from manic to depression.  Each increment increase in my HRT took a slow adjustment period, but after that, I wasn't bipolar anymore.
  Whether or not my cyclothymia was cured by HRT, I don't know.  My psychiatrist doesn't really have an explanation for it either.  I did have to go off hormones for several weeks because of a surgery, and it all came back.  It's what finally convinced my mom and I that my brain just works better with estrogen.  As after returning to my HRT, it went away again like magic.  I talked to my mom about it, and she said, "I could already tell you had resumed your hormones, because of that huge smile on your face."  She was kinda annoyed I resumed a few days early, but understood how miserable I was when I'm not on HRT.
  While this is anecdotal at best, you may be very much like me.  This forum has helped me immensely with my feeling like there was no one like me out there.  And it's gotten me through the worst of my social anxiety.  Whatever your decisions, you're family here at Susan's.  Good luck!


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk

[jody2015]

i certainly felt wrong with testosterone,like i was always play acting. since its been dropped ive felt better,bipolar apart.now i want to see what estrogen does for me. its not going to be easy for me to get employment with my medical history so i have to try anything that can improve things. im not going back to being male its just not in me.

[Virginia]

From everything my GT had told us, my wife and I were terrified of the effects HRT might have on me. The battle between me and my female alter for control of the body was driving me to suicide. Hormones were my last hope. Month after month we waited but everything I was told would happen when I started HRT didn't; the physical side effects were minimal and I had no desire to transition. But the sense of calm  that came with my medication was a gift from God. HRT brought peace to the house, the relief of knowing once and for all I could not perpetuate the crimes committed against me as a child with children of my own. ANd my alters slowly began to let down the walls of the pain they have protected me so the Self could began to heal the wounds that have festered inside me for 54 years.

It's a bit self-evident when you think about it, but hormones have the most drastic physical effect for people whose bodies exhibit strong characteristics of their gender assigned at birth. That said, the physical side effects of HRT are not what make it difficult for people to be seen as their birth gender. It is the changes hormones make to their minds that make it impossible for them to continue to perceive themselves as their birth gender.

Like AnonyMs, I have been on a full transition level estrogen HRT regimen for over 5 years. I am 5'10" 146 pounds with extremely androgynous features. My female alter didn't have any problems with people seeing her as a girl before HRT and I don't have any problems with people seeing me as a guy now. When you're skinny their just isn't alot of fat to push around; male or female, ectomorphs are all pretty much built alike. My tiny breasts look like great pecs when I go without a shirt in the summer. My fine body hair is important to my sense of male self but not so heavy that my female alter feels a need to shave my legs, chest or underarms to wear a bikini to the beach.

HRT has not had any affect on my mood or emotions. As a DID system, there are strong compartments for what each of my 5 alters feel and do and hormones cannot affect that. I am hopeful that as I continue therapy I will reach the point I can stop HRT. For now my doctor's prescribe it because at some level it gives my mind peace.