I think I might be F-M

IrishPotato · February 15, 2015, 05:17:17 PM

Ever since I can remember I've thought of myself as one of the boys. I grew up on a road with 10 houses, everyone my age was male. I never had Barbies or dresses and when I was given them as gifts I'd donate them to charity shops. I played Action Man and Spider-Man with my brothers. I remember starting school when I was 5 and having to wear a dress on the first day and wanting to cry because I hated it so much. I was always referred to as a tomboy as I only wore clothes that were "masculine", hung out with boys and never had any friends who were female. I remember when I was 7 I cycled around the place with my shirt off because all the boys did, my babysitter forced me to put it back on and I got annoyed at her. A rumour went around every school in the district that I wanted to be a boy but I didn't think anything of it. Whenever I played a sport and got hit in the crotch I'd scream "MY BALLS" and people would say "you don't have balls" and that always made me feel ->-bleeped-<-ty.
The moment I hit puberty was the worst thing ever. I started to hate myself because I had breasts and wasn't flat chested anymore. People started calling me a lesbian. When I moved on to secondary school I was put into a private all girls school. We were forced to wear skirts, it was the first time I'd worn one in 8 years and I hated it so much. I donated 15 inches of my hair to charity and people started to call me hurtful names. I was beaten up and locked into lockers because the girls "didn't like having lesbians near them incase they caught the gay". I switched schools and the new environment is much better.
Over the past few months I've been looking at myself differently. I've been more and more ashamed of my breasts and have wanted to bind. I hate myself so much. This has caused me to start self harming again and keep everything locked up because I'm afraid to tell someone. I'm not close to my parents at all so I don't want to tell them just yet. I'm afraid that people will say I'm in the middle of a phase since I'm 15. Binders are so expensive and you can't buy them here unless you get them online but I don't have a credit card. I have all the signs of having Gender Dysphoria. My grades are getting worse and worse in school because I can't stop thinking about myself and it makes me more and more depressed (along with the fact that I have ADHD and dislexia so my school work is extremely difficult). Please help, I don't often look for help and this is the very first time I've said this so it feels really good to finally have this off my chest. Thank you if you read this

LordKAT · February 15, 2015, 05:33:39 PM

Hi,

You say your new school is better. Have you tried talking to a counselor at school? It is often good to have a therapist to talk things out with. That usually means needing a parent to agree with you seeing someone. You don't have to tell them why you want to see someone, you can always say it is depression or something like that. A school counselor may back you up in talking to your parents to see a therapist.

Any type of medical treatment is going to need a parents approval and having a therapist be in your corner can do wonders. Meanwhile, check if your school has a GSA group that you could go to. That is Gay Straight Alliance, not girl scouts.

Anyway, welcome to Susan's. I'm glad you made it here and I hope to see you around more. Here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.

IrishPotato · February 15, 2015, 05:52:01 PM

Quote from: LordKAT on February 15, 2015, 05:33:39 PM
Hi,

You say your new school is better. Have you tried talking to a counselor at school? It is often good to have a therapist to talk things out with. That usually means needing a parent to agree with you seeing someone. You don't have to tell them why you want to see someone, you can always say it is depression or something like that. A school counselor may back you up in talking to your parents to see a therapist.

Any type of medical treatment is going to need a parents approval and having a therapist be in your corner can do wonders. Meanwhile, check if your school has a GSA group that you could go to. That is Gay Straight Alliance, not girl scouts.

Anyway, welcome to Susan's. I'm glad you made it here and I hope to see you around more. Here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.

Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
Standard Terms and Definitions
Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules
Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
News posting & quoting guidelines

I could be replying completely wrong so I'm sorry if I amnt actually replying
Thank you LordKAT for your reply

we do have counsellors here but they sometimes get in touch with parents about things like this so I'm afraid to go to them. The therapists also cost a lot of money which we can't afford right now also and doctors cost €50 even if you just go to them for 5 minutes. We also don't have a GSA here so that sucks. Thank you for your help tho

and the links are very helpful for them and thank you for the warm welcome

I hope you have a beautiful day

DriftingCrow · February 15, 2015, 06:15:30 PM

Yes, you have a story typical of many FTMs, so you definitely could be a trans man. Listen to LordKat and see if there's someone you can talk to at school -- whether it's a counselor or a teacher you trust. You say you don't have a GSA at school, but check to see if there's some LGBT group in your nearby community. Many places have at least some kind of group, even if its small and a bit of a drive.

Absolutely don't self-harm, you're young and will have a wonderful future if you allow the opportunity to play out. It's hard to pay attention to school when there's lots of distractions and emotional stuff going on, but try to focus on schoolwork. I found doing well in school to give me a lot of hope, because i knew that if I got into college that I could leave and start my life on my own terms. There's colleges here (in the USA) that gives you health insurance that covers trans surgeries. Not having the opportunity to go away to a college away from home may be something you'd regret later on, because you don't want to be stuck at home and dependent on your parents, especially if they turn out to not be as supportive as you hoped.

IrishPotato · February 15, 2015, 06:27:10 PM

Quote from: DriftingCrow on February 15, 2015, 06:15:30 PM
Yes, you have a story typical of many FTMs, so you definitely could be a trans man. Listen to LordKat and see if there's someone you can talk to at school -- whether it's a counselor or a teacher you trust. You say you don't have a GSA at school, but check to see if there's some LGBT group in your nearby community. Many places have at least some kind of group, even if its small and a bit of a drive.

Absolutely don't self-harm, you're young and will have a wonderful future if you allow the opportunity to play out. It's hard to pay attention to school when there's lots of distractions and emotional stuff going on, but try to focus on schoolwork. I found doing well in school to give me a lot of hope, because i knew that if I got into college that I could leave and start my life on my own terms. There's colleges here (in the USA) that gives you health insurance that covers trans surgeries. Not having the opportunity to go away to a college away from home may be something you'd regret later on, because you don't want to be stuck at home and dependent on your parents, especially if they turn out to not be as supportive as you hoped.

Thank you DriftingCrow. I'm clean of self harming for just over a month now so I'm trying my best not to self harm. I'm most likely going to college here in Ireland but I don't know what the health insurance is like. I try my best to focus on schoolwork but between the emotional stuff and the ADHD it's really really difficult. I'm often given extensions which is really helpful but it's still very difficult.
I don't trust anyone in school yet as I've only been there 5 months but hopefully I will trust them soon. There's no LGBT groups around here, the nearest is over an hour away but I can't drive yet so I wouldn't be able to get there as my parents work weird times for their jobs. Thank you very very much for your help though.

Devlyn · February 15, 2015, 06:35:10 PM

Hi IrishPotato, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm in snowy Boston. It does feel good to get things out in the open. We're open 24/7 here, there will always be someone here for you. Explore your new home and I'll see you around!

Hugs, Devlyn

LordKAT · February 15, 2015, 10:06:06 PM

FYI, there is a reply button at the bottom of the thread. You can use that as well as the quote button. Sometimes you don't see it if there is more than one reply to your post. There is nothing wrong with quoting a person, just sometimes unnecessary.

If you don't mind, what country are you from? Knowing that might help someone give you better advice.

IrishPotato · February 16, 2015, 03:26:53 AM

Thank you Devlyn for the warm welcome

I hope Boston isn't too cold. Your name is a very nice name, is it from Ireland, Scotland or elsewhere? It sounds sort of Irish but I could be wrong

LordKAT thank you for telling me about the reply button

I live in Ireland so there aren't many resources here

LordKAT · February 16, 2015, 04:34:07 AM

Is Ireland one of the places that have the NHS?

IrishPotato · February 16, 2015, 05:21:37 AM

I think the NHS is only in Britain

LordKAT · February 16, 2015, 05:22:53 AM

I'd swear the Scots said they had it too.

IrishPotato · February 16, 2015, 06:13:44 AM

Scotland is in the UK. Ireland used to be controlled by Britain until there was a huge fight between them and now Ireland is it's own country. There are only a few counties in Ireland that are part of the UK but they're their own countrie called Northern Ireland

LordKAT · February 16, 2015, 06:18:35 AM

Thank you for the clarification. As you can tell, I'm not from that area. I actually got quite confused as to all that.

Yes, old KATs can still learn things.

Tripdistrans · February 16, 2015, 06:19:56 AM

As someone who only learned of the dream time and Ned Kelly in school, I found this rather useful when I found it.

IrishPotato, welcome. The amount of support you'll be able to find here is more than enough. If you ever need someone to talk to personally, I'm always happy and usually available. I hope the pieces start falling into a nicer fashion for you soon.

LordKAT · February 16, 2015, 06:48:23 AM

Thanks Trip. That is very useful for us visual learners.

Tripdistrans · February 16, 2015, 07:00:12 AM

It's so much simpler to understand when you can see it in distinct groups. The States of America, however, I will never know.

LordKAT · February 16, 2015, 07:06:15 AM

Sadly, neither do many Americans.

IrishPotato · February 16, 2015, 07:49:13 AM

I know quite a lot of the states in the US :') People often the Ireland is in the UK so it's okay

Devlyn · February 16, 2015, 08:33:30 AM

Quote from: IrishPotato on February 16, 2015, 03:26:53 AM
Thank you Devlyn for the warm welcome I hope Boston isn't too cold. Your name is a very nice name, is it from Ireland, Scotland or elsewhere? It sounds sort of Irish but I could be wrong

LordKAT thank you for telling me about the reply button I live in Ireland so there aren't many resources here

Thank you, my best friend named me Devlyn shortly after I came out to her. She said it was one of the names she considered for her daughter, who ended up being Shannon. It's a little bit above 0º F right now, but it ain't snowing, thank God!

Hugs, Devlyn

adrian · February 16, 2015, 08:35:02 AM

Hello there

so could you buy an Amazon gift card or something in a store and then use it to purchase a binder online? This should be possible without a credit card and all you have to worry about is shipping it somewhere "safe".

It's great your clean of self-harming at the moment -- a month! Way to go! Keep it up, I know this takes a lot of strength, but we're here in case it gets rough. :highfive:

Adrian

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I think I might be F-M