Originally posted on my Facebook account
[edit]
I originally drafted this as a way of opening up to the members of a secret fb support group I founded for transgender people. but today, (9/19/14) I have decided to copy this post over to my main facebook account so members of all the communities I am a part of can share in, what I consider to be, MY VICTORY!
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[original text]
I was the youngest of 3 children in my home. I always knew I was a girl in my heart. My older sister would dress me up as a gorgeous little girl in tights and dresses.. I loved it and loved her for it. My mom thought it was a funny joke. My sister told mom that she convinced me it was National dress like a girl Holiday. My father on the other hand did not find it amusing in the least.. The 1 time he caught me in my sisters cloths he had my brother get all the neighborhood boys over to our back yard.. My sister had me in make-up a pretty dress. Stockings, panties, bra, the whole 9...
Well, dad bust in the room and beat us both.. He beat my sister in front of me mercilessly.. Then after beating me to the ground and kicking me he pushed me out the back door where my brother and his friends took over. I was 6. I had no idea what a Sissy, or ->-bleeped-<-got was, but by the way I was being beat, punched, kicked, & verbally teased... I knew I never wanted to be 1. I repressed my love for feminine cloths and femininity all together.. When I was about 10ish all the boys were getting their left ear pierced. (Had 2 be left ear, didn't want to be a ->-bleeped-<-, {still no idea what a ->-bleeped-<- was} and be ridiculed). My mom & dad were separated by this time Mother allowed me to get my (left) ear pierced 1 night by her friend. I was so happy. Until a week & a half later when my brother and I went to our weekend at dads.. I had neckline hair so he didn't notice the earring. But, my brother being 1 to not let it slide by pointed it out to dad Sunday after church.. My father ripped out the earring with no regards to my ear, or the backing.. As my father refused to allow me to talk, beat and verbally assaulted me bordering on abuse (80s midwest standards) all I remember feeling was shame.
What is a ->-bleeped-<-got?
Why was my father so offended by the idea that I may be one?
Why, every time he beat me, did he say, "I'll beat the ->-bleeped-<-got out of you!" And, "I won't have no son of mine be a Sissy ass ->-bleeped-<-got!"
What were these things, & why were they so bad?
Well, growing up, bouncing between moms and dads house I eventually learned the answers to those questions.. Or, at least their interpretation of what they are..
I was brainwashed to be ashamed of those "terrible" things I had done as a child.
I wanted to make my parents proud of me. I didn't want to be an outcast.. Defiantly not a ->-bleeped-<-ot or a sissy..
By 14 I was kicked out of dads permanently and less then a year later kicked out of moms.. I lived in a tent in the woods near a friends till his mom found out and called D.F.S. (Division of Family Services) on me. I was picked up and placed in foster care. I turned 16 in foster care, got my 1st job, had friends, and a wonderful foster family! I was happy, repressing my inner girl, but happy that these people accepted the me I showed them.. Then 1 day my foster parents signed me out of school for the day.. I had to go to court. Evidently when a child is in foster care, the state gives the care givers food stamps and medical coverage for the child and the state goes after the parents for reimbursement. Dad would not stand for that. We went to court and the judge ordered me back into dads custody. Before a year was out I was depressed, using drugs, and suicidal. I hid this from everyone.
Unknowingly, my father had instilled a deep deep shame in me at such a young age, I didn't understand why I was so unhappy.. I just was.. Soon my dad kicked me out and I was homeless.. This was just after the floods back in 93. I stated in some of the abandoned houses, bounced around friends homes, even got arrested a few times.. I bounced from place to place but tried to stay in school. Soon my troubles followed me there and I was kicked out of school too. I was living out of a shed and working at a popular american chicken restaurant when my sister found me and took me in, but her husband at the time was a dick and I didn't stay there too long.. I was a freak. A loser. Guys hated me and no girls wanted to date me. I was beat up a lot. I said, "->-bleeped-<- this ->-bleeped-<-," and joined the carnival and left state at 18.
I traveled to several states, met lots of "freaks and weirdos" I was happy-ish, untill I tried to settle down. I met a very strong willed girl and quit the carney for her. Things were good at first, like they usually are.. But her in-security's with herself led to trust issues and the relationship fizzled out. I moved into my car, stayed with friends, went to jail, got out, lost some friends, and ended up crashing with a friend at his moms trailer. That's when I met "firesource"..
Firesource was a gay man, in the closet, lots of trust issues. We instantly became friends. I wasn't gay. Not even bi. Just a guy, very into girls, with alot of issues of my own. I'm about 21 or 22 now. I dated a girl for a while, but I found out she cheated on me ALOT so I left her.
I remember 1 nite Firesource and I were getting ->-bleeped-<-ed up.. Drinking.. Drugs.. I was at his place, and found some cloths his old female roommate left there.. I got all dressed up in her things and was aroused by it. It was exciting, arousing, and since I blocked out so much of my childhood, new. It was new all over again. Over the next few weeks all my repressed childhood abuse came back to me in a flood of emotions and I had to seek help for suicidal tendencies.. I blamed the girl that cheated, I blamed Firesource, I blamed the cloths.. Hell, I even blamed God..
Never once did I blame my parents, or the physical & mental abuse..
I moved around a lot over the next few years, got married, moved some more, got divorced.. Then I met this girl, I'll call her fox. Fox & I hit it off great. She was the only person I could talk to about my childhood, the abuse, my feelings, all of it! I opened up. I shared. I showed her a piece of my soul I kept hidden away. The vulnerable side of me. And she was awesome. For the 1st time, I realized that my childhood was not typical. Dads don't kick their sons and call them names.. Fox helped me get thru my issues and learn to forgive my parents for their ignorance and abuse.. (Forgive, not forget) I talked Fox into marriage and of course it failed. But she is my best friend to this day. We talk about everything. Girls, boys, fetishes, and transition. She was/is my personal (unlicensed) therapist.. And I hers.
Its been a long n rocky road.. And I'm sure its not going to be smooth going thru the transition.
Fox lives 3 states away and is moving even further away soon. We talk online but the dynamic of our friendship is changing as we move on with our lives. So... Here I am... Saving up money to begin my transition and starting this group for others like me. I wish that everyone who ever joins this group finds a friend like Fox.
____________(September)__________[5 Month Update]____________________
So, as I have been slowly moving forward with my life, and looking into my transition options, I have been coming out to more & more people & so far, everyone I have came out to has been nothing but supportive of my decision to no longer mask my true self.
it's pretty freakin' sweet to have such good friends, not only in the Trans community, the LGBT community, or the burner community, but in my life as a whole.
When I came out to my BEST FRIEND, (may 19th, 2014) I was scared as hell. I've never had to drop a bomb like this on anyone before, and I was really tripping out on what his reply might be.
May 19, 2014 at 9:26pm
Sub: Life as we knew it.
Body:
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to start an email like this to someone I've known for so long. I love you like a brother. Hell, I've talked to you about things I never have with any of my family. You are so much more then just a childhood friend, you ARE my brother. That's why I can't lie to you, or myself, any more. I've known for a long time that I'm different from you, and most other people I know, but didn't have any clue as to why. For years I was ashamed. I knew my family could never understand. You've met them, you've seen the narrow mindedness, the racism, and the hate 1st hand. But, if I'm ever to be happy, I can not continue to live the lie. So.. Here it goes.. I'm transgender. (MtF) I know your bright enough that I don't have to define the term to you.. (This is not come on, I am bi, but your my brother and that would be incest.) I've never fostered any romantic feelings for you, so, it really changes nothing. I know your not the type to hate me for this, and that why I am coming clean. I've only told a few people from St. Louis.. The only "family" I have told is my cousin Alex.. But as I come to terms with myself, I realized that I have to be brave enough to trust people I know and love to accept me for who and what I am.. I'm not asking you for anything. I hope this does not change our friendship and that you can accept this. If not, I get it.. It's cool.. I've known this as long as I've known you, maybe longer. But as "my fathers son", I was raised in a house full of shame and repression. Some thing you may not have known was that when I was young, My sister knew I was a girl, that this body was my birth defect, and that my brain was wired like hers.. We played dress up and things like most other sisters do.. But.. Dad came home and caught us.. He abused us both. I remember being beat so much that i started bleeding. Dad kicked, punched and intimidated the hell out of us. All the while, saying things like, " I'll beat the ->-bleeped-<-got out of you, or kill you trying. Their wont be any ->-bleeped-<-got sissy's in MY family." And much much more. I tried to block out the memories long ago. But the more I have to deal with the suicidal depression of living a double life, the more those memories of the abuse come back. And the more I remember being programmed thru abuse to just "be a normal boy". A normal kid should be able to talk to their families about things. Not hide in fear. Not live a double life. When I lived in Nebraska I even checked myself into a mental health care facility. The depression was too much to handle and I feared i may harm myself.. Anyway.. I didn't.. But, I made myself a deal that if I wasn't a "normal guy" by 35, if these feelings of femininity have not gone away, then I would not hold back any more. That I would move forward in my personal pursuit of happiness. So, I've been doing online research into gender dysphoria, and yeah.. Thats me.. Anyway, I have decided that I'm going to move forward and start (h.r.t.) hormone replacement therapy. I also plan on changing my legal name and gender marker. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I have deactivated my (male) online networking profiles & set up new profiles with a feminine or gender neutral setting. I have not sent you a friend request from my new account because I wanted to be able to break this to you myself, not via a fb post or whatever. If this is something you can not accept, just delete this email and do nothing. If you need time to wrap your head around it, I get it.. Took me almost 30 years to accept it myself.. If you have questions, I'm here..
Your friend
Matt / Madison
His response cam back the following morning with that touch of class that I have come to expect/enjoy from this particular friend...
"I'll always accept you in whatever form.
your life is yours, do whatever makes you truly happy"
[This portion deleted due to my privacy concerns
regarding his family]
"I love you and support your decision"
What more could anyone ask for in a friend? Not a lot if you ask me.
Since I have been moderating the support group on facebook, I have received many msgs to my inbox thanking me for doing what i do to bring together 'like minded' individuals to help support one another. Telling me I'm an inspiration, or brave. ! person even wrote to me, that they were on the brink of suicide, and ran across my story on facebook, and, after reading it. decided not only to not kill their self , but to seek out an, 'in person' support group or counselor to help them learn to cope with this dysphoria.
google search - "Define: Gender Dysphoria"
results - gen·der dys·pho·ri·a noun
The condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity
as male or female to be opposite to one's biolgical sex.
google search - "Gender identity disorder"
Results- A conflict between a person's physical gender and the gender he
or she identifies as.
For example, a person identified as a boy may actually feel and
act like a girl.
The person is very uncomfortable with the gender they were born.
WOW! I couldn't believe some of these messages I was getting.. I'm the same person I always have been inside, but now that i'm not trying to hide who I am any more, people are seeing the real me, and loving what they see..
it's pretty awesome!!
I did receive 1 backlash letter just after the GWB event "GATEWAY" from someone that blocked me as soon as they sent it to me, so on my end, it only showed as "Facebook User" I was devastated.
This person worded their letter to sound as if it were a member of the local burning community I have come to accept as my home burn.. the group i came out to.. the 1st semi-public event where i presented as feminine for the duration of the event.. the same community where i had received so much love and support.
i was heart broken.. So i made a post to facebook about the message i received, and even copy & pasted some of it into the post, so maybe some members of said community could help me find out who my anonymous verbal attacker was/is..
I thought I had it all figured out, but in swooped my best friend to tell me, that due to some of the wording of the post, he thought it may have been the same person.. he had a talk with said person, and came to believe that it was not them, but maybe another person that just so happen to know of the details of a particular incident that was mentioned in the attack.. I deleted the message, the facebook post, and any mention of the verbal attack and moved on... except one..
Madison,
I want to say I'm sorry your dealing with bull->-bleeped-<- like in that message you posted. Let me make a counter point.
I have always enjoyed your company. However, last year...there was something holding you back. I didn't know what it was, but you would seem to not fully engage some conversations, some interactions. Vague, I know. But this year...you are totally there. And I see now that what I saw last year was you not knowing how to come out to the community, new friends, old friends, etc.
So...I, for one, am happy to see you embrace your self, your community. I consider you a friend. I consider you a valuable member of the community.
->-bleeped-<- the haters...(though I kind of want to know who wrote that nasty garbage to you so I can be sure not to invest much time with them).
[GWB Member]
Since this 1 isolated message, nothing else negative was sent my way as far as me being transgender. I am a member of more then a few Burner Regional Communities, & every member that has chosen to interact with me has been nothing but respectful of my gender expression.
My Girlfriend & I had decided when we first started dating, that i would not dress at her house till after we knew if we were going to be dating for a while, as to not confuse her almost 13 year old son.
About a month ago, we sat down with her son and had the talk with him. We explained what being Transgender is for me in particular, some of the changes I expect to make over the next few years, and that, no matter what, I would do whatever it takes to try to not make him feel uncomfortable in his own home.
The boy asked a few questions and we answered them the best we could.
but all in all, he took it A LOT better then either of us had expected.
since then, I have been selected to sit on the board of an up & coming regional burner group, & we are planning our first 'burn' event, so that has taken up a significant amount of my time. I have also started a 'Theme Camp' & recruited the assistance of a fellow trans*burner to help get this project off the ground.
in 6 days our theme camp will be going to it's 1st out of state event, & from the feedback I have been getting, the other burners are looking forward to our setting up there and burning with them.
so this is my 5 month update. I hope the next 5 months go just as smoothly..
_________________________[End September Update]____________________________
_______[Nov/30/2014 Update_________
Due to a situation beyond our control, i had to leave the apt with Cindy & her son, or we all would of been evicted. I went back to the lake for a while, but I was not exactly welcomed back. I set up camp down by the water front, and hung out with my buddy Mike a lot. but it started getting cold. Once some of the girls in the TSN found out what happened, they pulled together and got me a bus ticket and a ride to the bus station. I landed in Oklahoma City where 1 of my friends in the TSN picked me up.
I am now staying with this friend outside of OKC. and am keeping warm. 2 months ago, I would of never pictured things going this way, but nosy neighbors and busy body apt managers decided to step into my life and ruin a good thing. Cindy and I still talk, but not very often. I dont see us getting back together, and that makes me sad. but I guess life moves on..
____________[End Nov Update]____________
