Well hello everyone
I joined Susan's originally sometime around 2009 and spent quite a while lurking and really just reading everything I could. I identified as a crossdresser (who was deep in the closet) and ended up posting just a few times before eventually leaving the site.
A quick summary of who I am and where I am in life. I am nearing the end of my 20's quite soon and have had feelings of wanting to be a woman since around age 10 which intensified during puberty. I coped by stealthily crossdressing when I could. That expanded to an entire wardrobe that easily outsozed my male one once I moved into my own apartment after college. I spent my 20's avoiding any kind of romantic relationships due to what I though were my perverted desires. Honestly, dressing was half about expressing my feminine side and half a sexual thrill, because I find I can only be truly turned on when I view myself as a woman. I've never had an orgasm when in the masculine role.
After my time lurking around these forums I had gained some wisdom on what it meant when someone was transgender but I that felt I was not, that I was just messed up somehow and crossdressing is the band aid I use in private to deal with this side of myself. I did gain some comfort in knowing that I was not alone in my desires to dress in womens clothes though... So I continued dressing in private and being a normal man as far as the world could see.
Last fall I met a woman. We have been together for 3 months now and since the first time I met her I have rid my life of all my womens clothes, etc and deleted any accounts on websites that were in the name of Amy, my online persona that I used to explore that side of myself. I strived to be done with all of that and be a normal man for her. There is a problem though. As much as I like her and am attracted to her I do not really enjoy the sex. I get turned on when getting close to her, during foreplay, but when it comes time for the main event I have trouble maintining an erection and it ends a little disappointingly. No doubt this is because of my long time issues with my gender role in sex. This last little while has been bad. I've been feeling that feeling again, like Amy is inside me crying and pounding at the walls of her jailcell. I'm getting depressed again, a problem I haven't had much in the last few years and was hoping I was rid of.
So... now I'm sitting here and actually considering something I always knew was probably the smart move but never had the courage to try. I'm looking into the possibility of seeing a therapist trained in gender issues to try and help me work some things out and figure out what the hell I am and what I can do in life to make everything fit right :/ I still don't know if it will mean transitioning eventually or accepting that I need to crossdress sometimes to scratch that itch, or some secret coping mechanism or drug that will help with those feelings. (Wouldn't that be nice?) I don't know if I will ever find a working relationship and I fear the one I am in now is doomed to failure
which hurts because my girlfriend is really amazing...
Well, that's all I have to say about that. (I recently rewatched Forrest Gump
lol)
I'm back at Susans to do some more reading and maybe ask some questions this time
So... hi!
