I haven't tended to write my own stuff here, so I thought I'd have a go at sort of explaining where things are at.
My one year anniversary of coming out to myself is in January. In February I have a first meeting with the endo. By then I will be up and running (or not running much at all) with the electrolysis. So many people seem to know about my trans status that I *almost* wonder if transitioning in the workplace in April/May 2015 isn't too far off as a date.
However, I also live with my partner and I need to do things
with her to a fair degree. The watchword is "communication" and not running on
too far ahead. She's become much more supportive in recent times. I think this has been brought about in part by our couples counselling sessions - and the sense that we have to be talking to each other to support each other emotionally. The less emotional support that is there - from either person- the more likely the relationship will falter. I would love us to keep moving positively forward (polly speak!) with growing acknowledgement of my status and my gender.
Do I have any doubts about what I'm doing? Only occasionally, and then for not very long. The overwhelming positive feeling that I have being me overrides pretty much everything else. Whilst I was in male mode for my partner's father staying with us at Christmas, I am now on an extended period in female mode until returning to work. It's just fantastic really, and beyond what I might have imagined a year ago.
I seem to be making some progress with make up and trying hard not to look too much like mutton dressed as lamb. Doesn't always work, but there you go. Seem to keep buying clothes and shoes - don't quite know how this keeps happening
I hope hormones will only improve matters, although I know there is a possibility of other effects as well. I'm not going to prejudge anything, just see what happens when it happens.
I still need to work on some aspects of my demeanour I think. Whilst I have a talent for impersonation I don't think "just speaking a bit more softly" is quite up to scratch in terms of voice. It also appears to be the biggest "tell" when I'm out and about. I also tend to scowl even more than before (albeit in a very ladylike manner) - which I think is my "no bull->-bleeped-<-" attitude at work. That's all very well, but I think I do need to lighten up a bit and smile maybe just a touch more naturally. It's going against decades of miserable frowns, so it will be a challenge but I'm going to see what I can do. Maybe, just maybe I can crack the odd smile in front of a camera and elsewhere.
I'm really enjoying the fact of people talking to me more easily when out and about, even receiving the odd compliment (!), and just generally feeling more free to be me and how I want to be - which is how I
am. This is perhaps the biggest thing - gaining a more loose, confident sense of self and not feeling that life is more or less a long drawn out apology for having the temerity to exist. The disappearance of self-hate is a wonderful thing.
I don't doubt there will be more bumps in the road. But, in comparison to 12 months ago, I feel much more able to withstand the crap that flies about and that sometimes has my name on it.
I think being here on Susan's has been a great support - not least because it never hurts to know you're not alone. It's also a real bonus that there are so many wonderful people on here from Sydney and from Australia. Local advice and support is never a bad thing.
Anyhow, I wish everyone here a great New Year's Eve (don't forget to catch the Sydney fireworks) and an even better 2015!
With love -
Ros
