Being asexual?

[Anastasia E]

First off, sorry, this is a bit of a weird thread. But the question has been bothering me for a while, and I figured this was a place to ask, since someone might be able to relate.

So I think I am asexual, but I don't actually know for sure. I'm 26 years old, not on HRT, living as a male, and I'm a virgin. In fact, I haven't even kissed anyone. Now, don't get me wrong, I have a sex drive. I can recognize when something is 'sexy', I read erotica, and watch pornography. I've just never been attracted to anyone, or felt any desire to become romantically involved.

I don't recall ever having a crush on anyone my entire life. Never. Is that normal? Books and tv (ironically, I love romance and for some reason especially lesbian romance.. not weird at all, right?) makes it seem as though people get crushes or feel attraction to each other all the time -- but is that really the case? Do 'normal' people actually look at other people and arbitrarily go "Daym.. I'd like to hit that!" (.. which seems very strange to me lol), or is it actually just a lack of 'being out there', or being open to relationships from my side?

For the past few years I've seen my (supposed) asexuality as another aspect of my gender dysphoria, but I'm not entirely sure if that's the case.. does asexuality mean a complete lack of a sex drive, or just a lack of romantic interest in anyone?

Thoughts are welcome

[CaptFido87]

Well perhaps it just means you haven't found the right person yet. So there's nothing wrong with preserving yourself and keeping yourself open-minded. I fit into the same kind of boat. I'm 24 and a virgin, but I have had crushes on people. I've also had my heart crushed by someone I liked for many years. So it's hard to really say for sure if you asexual. I think most people would tell you that this usually occurs after you've had sexual relations with both sides and felt nothing. Than yea I could agree.

For you the only thing that matters is if you're happy. If you don't find the need to be in a relation or to have sex, than that's what you want. No one else can force that on you.

I think it's only a matter of time. I think you can find someone and find out exactly for sure on your sexual desires. There's no rush, some people just have to wait longer than others.

[Devlyn]

Take a look at this, there are some external links at the bottom of the page as well. https://www.susans.org/wiki/Asexual

[Ara]

You could find that that changes when you transition.  Sexuality is well known for its ability to surprise you during this period. 

[Evienne]

Well, I don't really know what to say for you, but if you where looking for someone to relate to, literally the only difference in your story and me, is I'm 19 rather than 26, so yes I do know what you mean. Sometimes I will imagine myself being with someone, usually that I know, but when I actually see them in person, I don't know what to think anymore.

[AbeLane]

As an FTM I'm kinda speaking from the other side of the fence here, but I just wanted to throw my thoughts in.

I currently label myself as asexual and homoromantic. Meaning, I'm into other guys, just not into sex. I've actually been out as asexual for longer than I've been out as trans (still only out to my close friends as trans). A lot of what you say rings true with how I feel. I can recognize someone as "sexy" or good-looking, but I'm not exactly in a hurry to get them into bed. And while I've been intimate with people in the past, it was never my idea to start things off. Still I do have a sex drive, but I never picture myself being with someone. It's just not something that comes into my head.

All that said, I sometimes wonder if I had been born with the "right" parts, if I would be more into sex. Or if the day ever comes when I have bottom surgery. Still I can't really see that happening anytime soon.

Also asexuality isn't a black and white concept, there are shades of grey. Just like the gender spectrum, sexuality is a spectrum too. I would suggest checking out http://www.asexuality.org/home/ if you're looking for more information.

And remember, the only one who can define you, your gender, and your sexuality is you.

[JoanneB]

In hindsight I consider myself as being mostly asexual most of my life. Sure in late teens early 20's fueled by T sexual desire was conflated with my envy of women. I never looked at a woman and first thought how much I'd love to do her. Look like her always came first. Add to that the prime directive of being "Normal", being with a woman was about the only option available.

Yet, being a shy introvert, as well as scorned and a target of ridicule growing up sure put a hit on self confidence. My first ever "date" wasn't until my early 20's. And that grew out of just being friends with a co-worker. The relationship grew over time. Especially thanks to those words I love to hate "You're not like other guys...."

Being trans is certainly a factor. I never hated the dangly bits, just rather not have them. Still, we've had some great times together. These days I am coming close to actually being happy in my own skin, happy being me. With this self acceptance is also a subtle shift in sexual fantasies.

Sexuality is a spectrum just as gender is. Where you feel comfortable or simply are today is just that. Tomorrow can be different. Life is funny that way

[Kellam]

Sex drive has nothing to do with whether you are ace or not. Libido spectrum is the same for aces as it is for every other sexuality. Same goes for everything else you listed Anastasia. The pertinent question is, is it directed anywhere, or do you just "clean the plumbing". I'm Asexual and aromantic, no interest in sex or romance, and I also have a pretty high libido. Its just its own thing and doesn't relate to the external world. (I don't like it though as it reminds me of my male bit, looking forward to that side effect of hrt, loss of libido) I am also totaly bored by/blind to romance. People flirt with me but I just think they're being nice. I either get told what's up or realize later and get creeped out. One of my issues with cis women is feeling objectified by them, it makes my dysphoria rear its ugly head. The other is just plain jealousy!

Of course only you can tell what you are and how you identify. I've been out as ace for only two years or so but it feels great, it was all tangled up with the gender thing but it has found its place. I actually found my way here because of the supportive atmosphere of the online ace community. Check out AVEN, like Abe Lane said, they're a great buncha folks. There are loads of stories to read there that can help you find yourself a bit more.

[Rudy King]

FYI: I'm IS.

See, I thought I was Asexual. however in hindsight, I can honestly say I've never been.  It just never downed on me that I liked boys, because I never had an erection.  And now that I know I am Intersex, that could explain why.

Oh, and just a quick FYI, Asexuality isn't a choice.  It's just how people are.  Some are gay, some are straight, and some are nether.

[Elis]

This may help http://yourfictionmyreality.tumblr.com/post/109647367197/bringing-this-back. You could also be aromantic, which is a lack of romantic attraction or just in the asexual gray area.

[Kellam]

...although...they say sexuality can be fluid too. On Aven I have seen many people talk about it. And I have wondered this before but never told a soul. In my early teens I can remember gazing at some men and just being enraptured by them. I eventually took those feelings as plain old aesthetic apreciation, I am an artist so maybe it was just that. But every once in a while I have wondered if I might be experiencing some form of atraction. That I might be more demi sexual than ace. That if I had the right body and let myself get to know someone, would I? I don't know...perhaps my psyche has just been repressing my true feelings. I suppose I'll just have to listen to myself as I transition and try not to deny myself.

Thanks for posting this! I joined this thread because I wanted to help and feel secure in my aro aceness, but this discussion has helped me remember all those hidden feelings and thoughts. I'm certain I'm aromantic though! I was kinda looking forward to the idea of being re born as a virgin woman. I have had hetero sex as a man, it was awful and I regret and block out most of it.

Ooff, I'm headed to work soon and now I'm all confuzzled!

[zog]

I used to think I was asexual before I started hormones, at which point it turned out that I was just sexually pre-pubescent. However, I know a lot of trans asexuals whose sexuality hasn't changed. It is just as valid an orientation as any other, so there's nothing to worry about if you are.

It probably should be discussed somewhere else, but as a former Asexuality visibility activist, I do have to mention that the wiki article here on Susans seems to be misinformed and downright offensive towards asexual people. Don't take that as your guide. There is no debate anymore, there has been research done on the subject and questioning its validity as an equal sexual orientation is just as inappropriate as it is with any other sexual orientations.

[ThePhoenix]

For the past few years I've seen my (supposed) asexuality as another aspect of my gender dysphoria, but I'm not entirely sure if that's the case.. does asexuality mean a complete lack of a sex drive, or just a lack of romantic interest in anyone?

It's a complicated thing.  And just as there are many ways to be trans*, there are many ways to be asexual as well. 

For example, many people experience that they may have both a romantic orientation and a sexual orientation.  Those orientations may line up or they may not.  For example, I am an asexual person who experiences no sexual desire.  I actually consider sex, with all its fluids and messiness, to be seriously disgusting.  But I love romance.  And I could go either way with men or women, so I would describe myself as bi-romantic. 

There are other asexual people who may have a sex drive, but they feel no need to satisfy with with anyone, so they satisfy it on their own. 

And there are other variations as well. 

Asexuality appears in an estimated 4% of trans* people.  There are some who have written on the topic who say it may be a function of gender dysphoria causing sexual activity to seem undesirable for many trans* folks.

Personally, once I learned that asexuality was actually a thing, it made me feel a lot better to know that not wanting sex is not a sign of something wrong.  I'm pretty relaxed about the whole thing.  Although I like it about myself that I am asexual, I won't be upset if that changes someday.  But I hope it won't.

It probably should be discussed somewhere else, but as a former Asexuality visibility activist, I do have to mention that the wiki article here on Susans seems to be misinformed and downright offensive towards asexual people. Don't take that as your guide. There is no debate anymore, there has been research done on the subject and questioning its validity as an equal sexual orientation is just as inappropriate as it is with any other sexual orientations.

Completely agreed.  The article on the wiki needs a complete rewrite.  It's extremely poor as it is.  I would suggest checking out the Asexual Visibility & Education Network at www.asexuality.org instead. 

[silentone]

I am about your age and I am a virgin and I am not on HRT either.  I  have had many relationships and I have kissed many people before, but it never did anything for me. I even tried to force myself to have sex to affirm to myself I can be normal, but that never happened. I also read erotica and watch porn. I ask myself the same thing.

[Kaylee2140]

I think that I may be asexual. I have had sex before, and on very rare occasions I did like it. But for the most part I will fantasize and enjoy the fantasies but when it actually comes time to live them out I don't enjoy them. I do crush but being in relationships is not as enjoyable as having a crush for me.

[sam1234]

If you remain asexual after transition, there is nothing wrong with that. When it comes to sex drive, it runs the gamete from not being interested at all to having a very strong sex drive. Its very possible that you just haven't found someone that gives you that spark. I've known people both transgender and cis that are not interested in a sexual relationship. For that matter, there are married couples who don't engage in sex. That is a personal choice.

Right now I'm not in a relationship and don't feel the need to. Like you, I can tell who is attractive and appreciate it, but don't feel like I have to worked up about it. Sex is one way of interacting with someone you love, but you can also love someone for who they are, even be soul mates and not be interested in sex. You just have other ways of interacting.

Try not to let it bother you. When and if the time is right, you will know it.

sam1234

[RosieD]

For the past few years I've seen my (supposed) asexuality as another aspect of my gender dysphoria, but I'm not entirely sure if that's the case.. does asexuality mean a complete lack of a sex drive, or just a lack of romantic interest in anyone?

TBH I don't know.  I am what I class as "massively disinterested in all that nonsense" but I don't know if that's the same as being asexual, aromantic or a complete PITA or something.  The problem with the whole asexual thing is that it feels like it's become a proper noun, like Asexual.  I think there's an Asexual Flag, possibly and Asexual MLP and (there will be soon enough if there isn't one already) an Asexual Orthodoxy.

Ignore the labels; be yourself, be happy.  The rest is just stressing over nothing.

Rosie