Guilt and deciding how to come out to my family

[adrian]

I have gotten to a point where I feel I need to come out to my family. They don't have a clue what's going on. With my marriage deteriorating quickly and separation looming I really feel I need their support and I need them to know what's happening.

Ironically, the thing I worry about most are their worries for me. I know cannot deal with is their concern for me, I don't want to see them sad about my husband and I splitting up, losing the house, and so on. I have felt lifelong guilt for being "difficult", for not being the child / sibling they "deserve", for not being a good "daughter" and "sister", for not making them happy. I know how happy they were for me when we got married, and how they probably think that I had "arrived". I feel so guilty for taking all of this away from them and for causing them so much pain.

I know that the guilt is an issue I have to address. No one can absolve me from it but myself. I'm on this with my therapist.  In the meantime, I can't deal with pretending everything is fine when it isn't. I'm not fine and I want them know. I need them to be strong for me when I can't be. But I cannot deal with them being in pain and needing consolation because of me.

But how do I tell them that? I've been asking myself this over and over again and I'm beginning to think it will probably be best for me to write them a letter (which is to say, an email, so they all get it at the same time). I know I will not be able to look into their shocked and worried faces if I tell them -- so maybe it will be best to make sure I'm not there when they find out.

[Muffinheart]

Hi Adrian,
Wow, your post hit me, I feel your pain and angst. It's a nasty card to have been dealt as a trans person, having to suffer through guilt, hiding who you are, and general worry about losing it all.
When I left my wife in 2007, I live with regret everyday because I feel I cheated her out of a marriage, and the eventual news she's had to tell family and friends.

I came out to her via letter as well. My therapist recommended writing a letter and putting it in an envelope with a "1" on it. In another envelope, a picture of me as a woman, sealed and a "2" on it. I hand delivered it to her and asked her to read it.
Within a few hours I got a phone call she told me supported me 100%. I wish I could say 6 years later she still did, but I feel a little better today and that we've both moved on.

I wish you well

[ChiGirl]

You definitely have the right thinking.  I'm in the same boat marriage-wise and I knew I wanted my family on my side.  For me, I had 2 things in my favor: my dad already knew and no one in my family likes my wife anymore.

I don't know your family dynamic, but I think I would start with the family member you think would be most accepting.  Get them on your side and they can help you with the others.  A letter helps to have, but I recommend either reading it yourself out loud to them or having it to reference and they can read it later.

Good luck and hugs!  Remember you are not alone. 

[adrian]

Muffinheart, ChiGirl, thank you for your thoughts and the support. I really appreciate.

ChiGirl, also wanted to say I'm sorry about the way things are going with your wife at the moment. I couldn't post in your thread because it was too close to my own thoughts at the moment, too triggering. Hugs!

My family is small fortunately -- just my parents and my sister. I think they will all be "on my side", but if I were to disclose this to someone first it would be my sister. If only I could get over this "I don't want them to worry" thing.

[Mariah]

Remember your doing this for your own health and well being, letting them know is part of that too, and if you send it from that view at some point in the conversation it should mellow any worrying they may have a bit. People who care about each other are always going to worry about one thing another generally. Many of the worries my mom had before were the same worries she has now except the reasons for those worries are more apparent. By coming out to them now you may have more options when the marriage situation finally falls apart completely. Good Luck and Hugs
Mariah

Muffinheart, ChiGirl, thank you for your thoughts and the support. I really appreciate.

ChiGirl, also wanted to say I'm sorry about the way things are going with your wife at the moment. I couldn't post in your thread because it was too close to my own thoughts at the moment, too triggering. Hugs!

My family is small fortunately -- just my parents and my sister. I think they will all be "on my side", but if I were to disclose this to someone first it would be my sister. If only I could get over this "I don't want them to worry" thing.