Am I taking the right steps forward?

[cindy16]

Btw, my wife and I just saw the 'love has no labels' video together (it's going viral right now, I guess) and we loved it.

Gives me hope that we will eventually work everything out.

[JoanneB]

I've been trying to "have my cake and eat it to" for 5 years now. When the really Down points come, so do the suicidal thoughts, often revolving around "Why am I even trying...." Just yesterday, I am home for a snow day, my wife wakes up from a nap and announces "I'm glad you are home today. I want a divorce". Apparently, it seems the boobs are becoming an issue.

On the plus side this is far from the first time she made such a pronouncement. She isn't all that good on the follow through. She is absolutely sure in time I will dump her, so why wait? My assurances to the contrary mean nuttin.

[Tessa James]

I've been trying to "have my cake and eat it to" for 5 years now. When the really Down points come, so do the suicidal thoughts, often revolving around "Why am I even trying...." Just yesterday, I am home for a snow day, my wife wakes up from a nap and announces "I'm glad you are home today. I want a divorce". Apparently, it seems the boobs are becoming an issue.

On the plus side this is far from the first time she made such a pronouncement. She isn't all that good on the follow through. She is absolutely sure in time I will dump her, so why wait? My assurances to the contrary mean nuttin.

Wow that is some wake up call!  Very sorry that you are dancing to such uncertain tunes Joanne.  I sometimes think that our attempts to build social security end up with neither.  Hang in there!

[cindy16]

Joanne, sorry to hear about this, but I hope this is one of those pronouncements that is not followed through as you mentioned.
In any case, I hope it all works out well for you.

[JoanneB]

Well... So far it seems that she is in the "This all too F'n real" zone. TBH - Same for me. Betrayal is is her big hot button issue and she is an independent cuss. Not the first time I heard I want a divorce, won't be the last. Just as I worry about her breaking and bolting, she worries I'll do the same.

Today was another "I need a hug" sort of day for her. Probably brought on, in part, by the "Are you wearing a bra?" question last night. Which I was. Not THAT big.. .yet  Unfortunately this weekend is when I leave for my support group meeting. BTW, abandonment is also a sore spot for her. 

Any wonder I drink?  To Excess?

[Emily R]

Joanne,

You were one of the first persons in here that I identified with because of the age, attempts to keep your marriage intact, slow transition and very high values!

I understand about your wife wanting a divorce, put yourself in her shoes, if I were a  cisman and my wife came to me and said that she was a transman and wanted to transition.  I know it would not be easy for me to accept, it would take a while or maybe never!

You have mentioned that she has known about your desires for 20 years or so, so it is not betrayal, it could never be betrayal!  It is just the natural progression of your inability to handle being in the wrong body.  Of course you like to wear a bra, I cant wait to need one!  I already occasionaly wear a bra in my house with padding without needing it, it makes me feel feminine and good!

BUT don't destroy yourself drinking, Yes, right now I am also kind of depressed, but drinking or hurting yourself is not the solution,  Go Exercise!!  You will feel better and will fit on that dream dress you have always wanted,  even with your big hand and bold spot ( I am on the same club, that is why I remember so well)

Have patience,  ALL bad things will pass one way on another.

Emily

[cindy16]

Joanne,

Like Emily, I too have related to your experience since my first post here, mainly because of your slow transition and attempts to keep your marriage intact, even if the remaining context is way different.

As I said before, I hope that things work out well for you and your wife. I can sort of understand what both of you must be going through, as I am facing a somewhat similar situation. On one hand, I think I am lucky that my wife is so accepting that I can be myself, wear anything, do anything as long as she's the only one to see it, and she does not react negatively to any of it at all. On the other hand, she is totally against letting anyone else know (she is still a bit peeved about my seeing a therapist) or coming out to the world at large, which would be pretty much unavoidable with a physical transition.

Betrayal is probably something which could be a hot button issue, but then I have been reassuring her that I always want to be with her, and I've never shown any interest in guys so it's not something to worry about. I think the bigger issue is how others will perceive us, what it will mean for her own identity etc, and it is all becoming more and more real for her with each conversation we have or each new trans related topic we discuss.