"gradual" coming out?

[Paige]

[Question to myself: why the EF didn't I ask for help earlier?]. After parents "threats" instead of asking help I turned into pessimistic mode, thinking things would just get worse and kept trying to go on with my studies. Few days ago I came out to a family friend and he referred me to a psychologist he knows. I also asked for a session with the university's psychologist (why didn't I think of this sooner). I don't know if anything will come out of it but it's worth the try

It doesn't matter that you didn't think of it until now.  The important thing is you've thought of it now and are actively trying to help yourself. 

Well done and good luck with the therapists. 
Paige

[kelly_1979]

[to mods: if possible, append this to my previous post]

Considering my current health situation I think I agree with Paige's idea, that is to try and start low dose HRT (if possible), just to take the edge off. The tricky thing is that you have to live for 3 months as the desired gender, which, considering the circumstances is pretty much impossible. I have so much stress and anxiety I have difficulty walking upstairs plus many nights I can't sleep more than 4 hours max.

[Paige]

The tricky thing is that you have to live for 3 months as the desired gender, which, considering the circumstances is pretty much impossible. I have so much stress and anxiety I have difficulty walking upstairs plus many nights I can't sleep more than 4 hours max.

Hi Kelly,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  Where do you live?  I can't believe there are still countries that do this.

Paige

[kelly_1979]

Actually, I might be mistaken for what I wrote in the above post. Yesterday I went to a psychologist/ psychoanalyst a family friend introduced me to. First session seemed good, although my dysphoria has ramped up even more since yesterday. One of the main issues she focused on was reducing my anxiety, which could also reduce my hair loss (i doubt though that just but taking anti anxiety medication would help on mpb). She also referred me to a psychiatrist who  also deals with gender issues (according to her, but I didn't find anything about gender issues regarding his expertise on the internet). I'll post updates after I see him.

[kelly_1979]

Yesterday was the 2nd session with the new psychiatrist. On the first session I had explained everything about my GID etc but also told him about the extreme fatigue. He prescribed me 2 benzos and also asked for certain thyroid tests.
I didn't take the benzos because I was too afraid of the side effects. On the second session he asked me again in detail about my life as a child, my adult life etc...
Since I was hesitant taking the benzos I asked him if there any other way, other drug or possibility without drug. He was empathic on me taking the benzos and later switching to SSRIs. He even told me that with this anxiety even if he wrote down the letter for HRT the endocrinologist wouldn't want me to start hormone therapy.
So wtf do I do now? I can't keep spending 50 euros (without receipt) every time I go to him while he keeps postponing giving me the letter.

[Chloe]

. . . she thought being mtf trans is better than just gay and staying a guy.

Or, better yet, gay AND MtF? lol Always been of opinion that two negatives (-), in certain math equations anyway, makes for a (+) positive, cancels all "negativity" out!

it's funny how parents can be so blind . . . still insists I cut my hair and be a handsome guy

They're not blind just hoping it all goes away? Yesterday daughter and "ex" were badgering me, saying exact same thing, asked them "and be like you"? Have all your issues instead? No thanks!

Actually, it's more like "Take us out, thrusters only". The warp 9 is more of wishful thinking...

I am a trekky fan! Remember watching original series when first came out in 1963! Tell yer parents, like I did my tatoo'd daughter, you want to ^point^ your ears (change subject) and maybe they'll LIGHTEN UP? Kelly haven't read this entire thread yet but "thrusters only", taking it slow is actually the best way to go! My dad was ex-Marine, a pilot & socially very conservative to boot and eventually he was 'ok' with me, they tend to mellow with age 

[Dena]

You have to tell your therapist that you know what most of your problem is and it's gender dysphoria. If your therapist is unwilling to address the subject, you will need to find a different therapist. The goal is to treat the problem and not to dope yourself up to the point where you're unable to feel anything.

I went through three therapist before I was able to find what I needed. The first admitted his limitations and understood he couldn't provide what I needed. The second had exposure but really didn't have much knowledge about treatment. The third was exactly what I needed and was able to provide what I lacked.

Remember that you are a customer and if the therapist doesn't provide what you need, you should fire them and find somebody who can do the job.

[kelly_1979]

I know, it's just I'm being bombarded on multiple fronts

1) extreme "Adrenal fatigue" to the point of having difficulty walking upstairs

2) extreme anger, feel like breaking things (feel like being trapped in a situation): unable to finish unfunded PhD because of anxiety

3) kinda unsupportive parents (Ok, I know I'm an adult, so I shouldn't depend on them at all - bad life choices). I've told them that most likely the reason for my extreme fatigue and anxiety is needing to transition and trying not to (unfunded PhD), but they are like "the doctor will say that", and "the anxiety levels, cortisol, testosterone etc need to return to normal before you start anything" while I try to explain that this is impossible since most likely the reason for these imbalances is not transitioning and keep repressing it.

4) unable to start a "normal" job because of stress, fatigue

5) therapists hesitant to write letter for HRT because of my stress and my fatigue

So, right now I can't think of other way of temporarily (?) stopping my PhD and try to find any job possible so I'm not overly dependent on my parents. I really don't know what to do.

[kelly_1979]

Slight update.

Two days ago I went to an endo my father found. I told him about my extreme fatigue and muscle wasting, he did a physical exam using some vibrating (?) instruments (must have been a tuning fork) and he said I needed to do an MRI of the pituitary gland. Now I'm waiting for the results.

Honestly, I feel that bar from ending up on a wheelchair, blind or dead, it can't get worse than this (health situation + dysphoria) OK actually it CAN get worse than this, but just waking up and looking at the mirror I feel like smashing it.

Will post update.

[kelly_1979]

So, I got the results from the MRI and the findings are normal. So I don't know wtf is wrong. Also, past week I've had a weird unpleasant taste in my mouth. Still searching....

[Paige]

Hi Kelly,

I have no clue what's going on with your body, but you seem extremely stressed and stress has many negative affects on the body.

If stress is the cause you can blame your dysphoria for some of that, but could it also be your diet, exercise or maybe a need for mediation and mindfulness.

Like I said, I have no way of knowing what's going on but it couldn't hurt to look at these other things. 

Hope you start feeling better.
Take care,
Paige

[kelly_1979]

[rant mode]

Next Thursday I have an appointment with a new endocrinologist about my (adrenal?) fatigue. The previous one didn't really help. He just told me to take Magnesium and thar he would see me again in 2 months time. Seriously doctor???
I can't believe how much I've effed up myself. I don't think anybody else has ever done such damage to themselves and their health from worrying. I kept trying to "push through" thinking I would have to postpone transitioning for years and just suck it up.
Regarding my health I've lost practically everything in 2.5 years.
I don't know if I can do it anymore. I can't look at my reflection in the mirror. If I were to grade my dysphoria it would be like 12 out of 10.

[\rant mode]

[kelly_1979]

[rant - despair mode on]
I know you people are going to tell me to hold on and that things will get better, but I honestly can't see how. I'm still months away from having a job that pays well or a PhD part time project which will pay some money. My health is deteriorating rapidly. I feel I've aged 20 years in the past 2 years. Everyday I have more pains in my body and feel apathy. Tomorrow I'm going to a new endocrinologist to see what is wrong with my body. I really hope he can help me but I'm not sure he can.
I don't know how many days I've got left but I don't know if I'll make it until next year. I wanted to thank everybody who tried to help me although I didn't follow many of their suggestions and tried to fight the GID issue.


[[rant - despair mode off]

edit: Ok yesterday I was feeling really bad psychologically, that's why I wrote I wanted to die. I DON'T WANT to die. The truth still is that I'm going worse every day. Today I went to the new endo who prescribed some new tests. I really don't know what else to do. I need some local friends who will support me. It's difficult to make friends when you pretend to me somebody else (male).

[kelly_1979]

So, today or tomorrow I'm going to come out to a female colleague of mine from the University. Now she is technically married but we have known each other for a long time and I have helped her a lot on her PhD. Generally she has been supportive on my PhD difficulties. She even offered to search for a psychologist to help me. I have "primed" the coming out by telling her it's a sensitive matter and that I wouldn't like anybody else to know, at least not right now.
It's going to be really awkward, considering I'm still presenting as a guy and probably keep on for quite a while. Still, taking into account my health problems and my huge dysphoria, I feel I'm going to massively regret it if I don't tell her.
She may or may not accept me but I know that after tomorrow our relationship will be changed forever.
Wish me luck.

[AvaNovum]

Honestly it's really about what you are comfortable with and it sounds like you are very tentative.  Now you may have a different experience than myself, rejection is what we fear but sometimes our fears are unfounded.   
I was hugly fearful as I approached people close to me to announce I was Transgender and would be transitioning in the near future.  Fortunately I have had nothing but positive and supportive responses.  I will say that women seem far more understanding and accepting so hopefully your friend will embrace the True Self you reveal.
Something to think about is to be able to share what your plans are in a concrete manner.  You don't need hard dates or a schedule or formal project plan, but know what you want, know approximately when you are going to get there. I had may feminine name already picked out and I shared that as I came out to each person. 
Personally I think that helped with acceptance because it was clear I had thought things out, was well on my way, and just informing them as close trusted friends about this very personal evolution in my life.   

Best of luck to you.
 

[kelly_1979]

So, yesterday I went to her house and came out to her there. Her husband was in the house too but we sat in the yard so he wasn't listening to what we were saying.
First of all, her reaction wasn't negative, she said she fully accepted and supported me but that she didn't have any experience with transgender people. She also mentioned that one of the thoughts that crossed her mind was that I was trans. The whole talk was "strictly professional" (we didn't even handshake or anything) (Ideally I wanted a person that I could hug - to somewhat relieve the pressure I felt...but that could happen only in my dreams).
She said her mother was a former psychologist and maybe she could help me. Regarding my health issues she gave me the name of a good rheumatologist she knew so I could untangle was it wrong with my body (possible autoimmune disease?).
Regarding the university, she confirmed my worst fears that practically nobody would accept me at the lab. I'm referring to professors. My professor supposedly wants me in the lab (I've been there since doing my Bacheror) but he's typical alpha male type guy and often makes s3xual jokes, causing me to feel really awkward and bad. His behavior plus my condition are one of the main reasons my PhD has gone down the drain.
I'm hoping she is wrong on that matter but truth is most people are ignorant.
She insisted that the most important thing right now is to find income and become independent. Also to do my best to finish the experiments on my PhD. The writing I can always do it while also doing something else.
When I explained that I am trans but I liked women (initially I hadn't told her that) she was somewhat dumbfounded. She found it difficult to understand "how can you be trans and want to have an operation but like women". I did explain that gender identity is different from sex gender preference. She then commented that very few people know this. Most assume that if one wants to be a woman she also wants to have sex with men.
One thing she pointed out what that I was still not sure about it and beating around the bush since I haven't actually done anything about it (apart from wearing girl jeans, which is not that worthwhile mentioning).

Now I feel both better and worse at the same time after coming out to her. At least I did something.

Anyway, the conclusion is that she does support me and is trying to help me the way she knows.

[kelly_1979]

Oh darn, things are still not good. After going to the endocrinologist for my fatigue and doing certain tests for catecholamines he said he couldn't find anything and that, based on his opinion, "every test is perfect" - despite some being within limits but far from optimum. I told him I felt even worse with every passing week but he just dismissed it. On the 2nd - and last- session I also told him that the reason I'm so stressed is that I'm transgender and I'm having difficulties with my PhD, finding a job etc. He just referred me to a psychiatrist and hurried out of his office. I tried to insist that this wasn't enough and that I needed help not just on the gender issue but also regarding my fatigue. Instead of replying he hurried behind a door and disappeared. It's like he didn't want to bother trying to figure out what's wrong, despite being payed ~140 euros per session.
A couple of days after that I went to a rheumatologist to check if there is a possibility for a autoimmune disease and she prescribed a battery of tests, the results of which I'll have in a month.

Ideally I should live somewhere else, alone but it's very difficult trying to juggle both my PhD - part time projects, finding a job, dealing with my health problems and dealing with the negativity of my parents (telling me things like if I continue being angry like that, not trusting doctors etc, I'll end up in a psychiatric ward). For example my father insists on sitting with him reading endocrinology books while I'm pretty sure some of what he's reading doesn't apply to me. I know educating oneself is important but I can't stand reading with him.

I'm really afraid my fatigue is because of kidney problems. I want to some tests (like microalbumin/creatinine ratio - ACR) and estimated glomerular filtration rate-eGFR) to find out. My father tried to argue that these are pointless and can't help me but nevertheless I need to do them.

Ps. It's so disheartening when because of stress you've ended up with serious health problems and your parents still don't support you.

[Paige]

Oh darn, things are still not good. After going to the endocrinologist for my fatigue and doing certain tests for catecholamines he said he couldn't find anything and that, based on his opinion, "every test is perfect" - despite some being within limits but far from optimum. I told him I felt even worse with every passing week but he just dismissed it. On the 2nd - and last- session I also told him that the reason I'm so stressed is that I'm transgender and I'm having difficulties with my PhD, finding a job etc. He just referred me to a psychiatrist and hurried out of his office. I tried to insist that this wasn't enough and that I needed help not just on the gender issue but also regarding my fatigue. Instead of replying he hurried behind a door and disappeared. It's like he didn't want to bother trying to figure out what's wrong, despite being payed ~140 euros per session.
A couple of days after that I went to a rheumatologist to check if there is a possibility for a autoimmune disease and she prescribed a battery of tests, the results of which I'll have in a month.

Ideally I should live somewhere else, alone but it's very difficult trying to juggle both my PhD - part time projects, finding a job, dealing with my health problems and dealing with the negativity of my parents (telling me things like if I continue being angry like that, not trusting doctors etc, I'll end up in a psychiatric ward). For example my father insists on sitting with him reading endocrinology books while I'm pretty sure some of what he's reading doesn't apply to me. I know educating oneself is important but I can't stand reading with him.

I'm really afraid my fatigue is because of kidney problems. I want to some tests (like microalbumin/creatinine ratio - ACR) and estimated glomerular filtration rate-eGFR) to find out. My father tried to argue that these are pointless and can't help me but nevertheless I need to do them.

Ps. It's so disheartening when because of stress you've ended up with serious health problems and your parents still don't support you.

Hi Kelly,

I can't remember but have you seen a psychiatrist before.  If you found the right one, that's supportive of LGBT people, it may give you some of the help you need right now.

Hope things get better,
Paige 😊

[kelly_1979]

@Paige . The last one I went to was adamant I need to fix my health problems first and take benzos and then ssris.

[Paige]

@Paige . The last one I went to was adamant I need to fix my health problems first and take benzos and then ssris.

Hey Kelly,

I'm sure this will be your experience but I've been to numerous therapists and they all seem to do things differently.   If you can, I would suggest going to a few to see if you can find the right one for you.   Have you looked around for a therapist who specializes in transgender issues?

Take care,
Paige 😊