Hey girls, this is my first official post on Susan's, as I have recently come out as MtF to my GF of 3 years and a few close friends. I thought I would feel so relieved after doing this, but instead I feel even more depressed than before. My GF didn't even wait an hour before deciding to leave me, even though we can still be "friends." I think this is why I don't feel relieved, the only way I have any relationship with her is by listening to her numerous sexual exploits and every detail of her day since we broke up, as her best friend. I don't know what to do, I know I'm Trans, but I feel guilty for being this way, I haven't told family or my college friends because I already have lost the one person I thought would stick around, and Im afraid to upset/disappoint others and lose them. I went through multiple sick family members and their subsequent deaths, surgeries, accidents, and other life changing events with her, and the fact that she was able to walk away and move on to others this quickly really hurts me, she didn't even make it a week before finding someone. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate her as a friend and I want her to be happy, but at the same time I feel like this friendship hurts me more than helps me, and I think I'm really only friends with her in the hope that we could eventually get back together and the fact that I dont have many other friends anymore (most of my friends were her friends first) . I feel like I'm stuck, I want to transition, no, I need to transition but I'm afraid, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be an outsider who is shunned by society, I just want to be accepted as a girl. Every time I dress En Femme I feel like a "man in a dress", I look in the mirror and while I long to be seen as the girl I know I am, but I just see a hideous male face looking back at me. I know in some ways I'm lucky, I have a relatively feminine voice, longer hair, I'm just above average female height (5' 7"), and I'm located in an area with many resources and a strong trans community. But, I just feel lost as I still feel like "a guy" because thats how I'm perceived, but I long to be able to express my real self, and I figured here was my best shot of getting unbiased and non-judgmental advice.
Thanks,
Jackie
