constant rejection

[Ltl89]

Honestly,  I'm having a very difficult time with the fact that people constantly reject me or don't like me.   I realize I'm a weird person in general and being a individual in the process of transitioning is a bit jawing, but it hurts that I gave no acceptance or what I get is very superficial.   I'm just ready to breakdiwn.  I've accepted that I'm probably never going to have a normal life like other people.   I understand that I'm not what guys are looking for and that I'll never be able to have my own children.   I understand that I'm a difficult person to befriend  and that a friendship with me is undesirable to begin with.  And I understand why the few that are my friends can rarely find the time to reach out or do something, though there are a few exceptions to this.  I know that what i am doing is hard ob family and will forvever make me the black sheep.  I get all of that.  But after a while it hurts being the constant reject.  It hurts.  It hurts that I have to fear losing my family and home in some capacity when I dare go fulltime.   It hurts that I'll never find love like everyone else does and that no one would want a freak like me as a friend.  It hurts to know that my trans status will hold me back in the employment realm and moving up in the world and will make me an undesirable.   It sucks that at my current job they organize a night out with all fellow peers but you are the leper who doesn't even get an invite.  It sucks being someone withiut the ability to even get the health care I need cause I lack insurance and their are so many tests for transwomen to pass.  When do I get acceptance?   Will anyone ever like a freak like me? Or am I forever going to be the "->-bleeped-<-" that no one likes or respects.  And the sad thing is besides the things I can't help help, I get it.  I suck as a person and have never got to develop like a normal human cause of these issues and don't know how to be normal and doubt I ever will.  But i want to be a normal person.  I want to be accepted for who I am and want to be able to be that and learn who that is.  I'm tired of being the loser, weirdo reject in the eyes of everyone and treated that way, and I'm tired of seeing myself that way too.  I'm just done and feel like drinking myself into a coma.

Thank you for letting me get this out, I have no where else to share this or say these things.

[mrs izzy]

You just need to hang in there. Trust me I been there and still deal with it.

I just do not let others control my life. I place myself around my peers that accept me and that's my core.

The rest that might come in after are just window dressing.

You need to carve out of society your own little slice and hang there. Maybe someday it will not be a issue but until then we need to learn a way around that wall and find some happiness.

Be the best you can be to those who accept you.

Hugs
Wish it was better.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Please don't drink yourself silly. (Or anything else) It's not the answer. Don't count the people who don't accept you, count the people who do. You can start with me. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[VisorDown]

Heyyy,

We're all a little crazy. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're not a freak, you're human, and there are plenty of people out there who will love you for you!

Stay strong. Hang in there. You're beautiful and you have so much potential.

[Ltl89]

Thanks for the kind words,  but at some point you realize that you are the problem.   I just wish I were mire of a normal person.   That I want such a freak.  It's hard enough being trans and dealing with all the difficulties that come with it, but it's also another when you realize you are a messed up loser with no value.   Maybe being stuck in this in between gender mood is starting to kill me more each day, but i don't think I will ever have a normal life.  And if I'm a messed up reject now, what will people think when I come out completely.   I don't blame people for being weirded out and all.  I get ut.  But all I want is a normal life and to be happy.  I've been considering going fulltime soon but I keep thinking of what a weirdo I am and how in just going to be seen even more that way.  And family stuff is so screwed up i don't even know where I will live or if I'll have a home.  I don't know.  I wish I were normal.  I wish I wasn't so weird and that life wasn't so hard.  I didn't ask to be trans or me.

[Ltl89]

Forgive me for bitching, I'm just in a bad place right now and not sure how to move forward.   But even if I do,  I just feel I'll always be a messed up loser in everyone's eyes.  I just wish I were a normal person or could have a normal life.  So many things are going
through my head. I'm continuing with my transition regardless as i need that to be happy, it's just so hard to deal with, especially with all the other mundane difficult life stuff. Sorry for posting this stuff,  I'm just in my room crying,  terrified of my future and just upset that I'm such a useless weirdo.  But that's my own problem and on me, no one else. 

[Jessica Merriman]

I am a trans woman and I have a very normal life now. It all comes down to acceptance of yourself faults and all and pushing through anyway. Just once I hope you find yourself in a position where your inner strength shows. After that it is all downhill!

[suzifrommd]

LTL, look at a lot of the women who post here. Far from being people no one respects or likes, many of us are PROUD to be trans, proud of how far we've come, and proud of the wisdom and strength we got from fighting our way to this point.

Will you get to this place? I can't make any promises, other than to tell you the place DOES exist.

[Ltl89]

Thank you everyone.  I'm just struggling with getting passed my issues and have really bad anxiety and fear.  I always focus in the bad.   But I've made a lot of improvements and am very close to actually living as me.  I'm even coming out to more people because its getting to   difficult emotionally and physically to keep up this unhappy charade.  I just get depressed and insecure at times.  But things aren't horrible.  I'm just afraid and now that I'm legitimately going to soon be taking steps forward, I am terrified.  But in the meantime, I'm tired if being the weirdo reject.  I'm tired being seen as a boy.  I'm tired of being rejected for something I'm not.  I just wish I had more acceptance and support in my life which is severely lacking.  I have no idea how to get that and make supportive friends and stuff.  And if I'm being honest, I'm very romantically lonely and it saddens me that at 26 I've never had a boyfriend.  It just crushes me.  And j probably misread stuff at work cause I always assume people hate or don't like me, but the truth is I'm on the verge of a promotion so I can get benefits.  I'm just stressed and see the bad sometimes.  I need to get past that, but venting today has helped.  Thanks everyone!

[Ltl89]

I just wanted to update this with a bit of an addendum as I realize some newbies and beginning transitioners may read these threads and scare the hell out themselves when they see negative experiences. While being trans can be tough and I myself have difficulties, I also tend to post when I'm down or need to vent.  I don't have much support to get me through the challenges and at times I just need to express how depressed or frustrated I am feeling to somebody.  You've all been my lifeline when it comes to support, other than a few special friends who have been there when needed.  And its helped me to vent and move on and vocalize any life challenges I may have at the moment.  Truth is I have really poor self esteem and struggle with depression in a heavy way which can make transitioning tough, especially when you don't have a real support system in place. 

Having said all that, don't want people to read this and think transitioning is all hard and bad.  I'm very happy to be moving forward with this and its been worth dealing with challenges as getting through each step has made me feel more comfortable and happy then I've ever felt.  Life is getting better and I feel much more at home with each change that happens.  Much has happened to me since I first joined, some good and some bad, but its leading me to a place where I'm starting to feel confident in myself.  Its like a gradual thing and a roller coaster, but I would never go back.  I couldn't and wouldn't go back.  And as hard as it may be to be trans in this world, I'm proud to be a transwoman and I'm finding my place in this world each day at a time as I choose a slow and gradual path, which is working but frustrating at times.

So for those reading this thread, just in case, that take this as an example that transitioning is to hard, scary or not worth it, I apologize.  That's not what I would want people to take away.  Truth is no one can tell you whether it will be the right thing for you and there are no guarantees.  It really is a very personal decision that no one can make for you.  For me any hardship, challenge or risk was worth it.  And I may need to bitch about things cause I get depressed at times and need to vent, but the benefits have greatly exceeded the negatives.  Therefore, I don't want to scare anyone because I'm a crazy person at times.  That's my life and issues, it may or may not be yours nor is it representative of the trans experience.  I just needed to say that cause I need to unleash some negative energy at times but I don't want it to hurt someone unintentionally in the process.

Lastly, thank you for all who listened or participated in here.  It really does help.