Gender Dysphoria and Body Dysmorphia

[HolyHotCakes]

Hello,
I'm Robin. I recently came out as being a guy to just about everyone. I completely destroyed the closet I'd been living in my whole life and that has made me very happy but it has also brought up something that I've struggled with my whole life as well. I am having trouble figuring out how much of my mental distress comes from feeling like I am trapped in my female appearing body and how much comes from the fact that I feel like I am too obese to transition or exist as a functional human (body dysmorphia).

So my question is: can body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria coincide, do they cancel each other out? Can I be unhappy with the weight and appearance of my body more than just feel like I'm trapped in a costume I'm unable to get out of? Below is some added information/ranting about the way I feel.

I have an extremely curvy body (32 DD chest, measurements of 42-30-45) and I feel less distress when I bind and wear clothing that makes me feel masculine but sometimes I catch myself in photos or mirrors and I see my belly or my arms and my chipmunk-y cheeks and I feel so disgusting. I can't separate the feelings of feeling like a butch appearing woman and feeling like a fat monster who will never achieve an attractive status. Because I can't separate those emotions I get trapped thinking that my body dysmorphia is the root of my gender identity issues.

I tell myself that the reason I want to be a man is because I feel like a failed woman, that I can't achieve the pretty-hipster girl look that is idolized in the media and that I want to be an attractive man because some how I think it to be more achievable. I know logically that it's not more achievable, that each is a ridiculous standard and that I should be happy in my skin but then I fear that my body dysmorphia causes my gender dysphoria.

[suzifrommd]

Hi Robin. Welcome to Susan's. 

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I'm not knowledgeable about body dysmorphia, but I know gender dysphoria causes all kinds of ills and body image angst, so I wouldn't think it's far fetched.

As for whether it's going on with you, I wonder if that's the sort of thing a gender therapist can help with.

[synesthetic]

hi, and welcome to susan's! while gender dysphoria and poor self-esteem definitely coincide for me, I don't have much experience with body dysmorphia specifically. though with that being said, I've heard many trans people who have both - to my knowledge, I believe they can coexist.
as suzi said, if you're able to talk to a gender therapist (or even a regular therapist, as long as they have some experience with trans people) that would probably be super helpful.

((hugs and good vibes))

[Tessa James]

Hey Robin,

Welcome to Susan's.  That does sound like a lot of pain and discomfort one way or the other but what came first?  How persistent has the gender dysphoria been for you?  Are you working with a gender therapist yet?  I agree with Suzi and Synesthetic that it may be advisable to help sort it out?  I am feeling uncomfortable about my weight gain no matter how curvy and figure it is another appearance related item that should not define me but darned it feels like.....you know what.  I have not seen a weight/size related thread here for awhile but guess it would be valuable. 

I don't see any reason why the two cannot unfortunately coincide and coexist but I kinda doubt one will cause the other?  But once we are feeling down it can pile on.  Sorry about those harsh self judgements, i do it to myself sometimes too and hate most photos and at least several mirrors--those lying dogs, I am not that fat!

Congratulations on taking the big step of coming out.  How is your circle of people taking the news?   I guess you will find others here who can relate to where you are at and trust you will enjoy exploring in the mean time.

[Tysilio]

Robin, welcome!

You've come to the right place to get support and community while you figure all this out.

Body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria are two quite separate things, and you could certainly be suffering from both. I agree that talking with a therapist would be really helpful in sorting out your feelings. It's great that you've had the courage to come out to people. That's a huge accomplishment, and at the same time, I think that doing something that scary can bring all one's insecurities and self-doubt to the forefront of one's mind: no matter how well it goes, it still makes you feel very vulnerable.

Your size is definitely not a barrier to a successful transition. There are plenty of big guys out there, and they do just fine. For me, transitioning has helped me deal with my own body dysmorphia as well: I've found that the possibility of having a body I'm actually comfortable in, gender-wise, is a big motivator for working out, eating better, and doing what I can to get my body closer to what I'd like it to be. I'm never going to be a stud, at my age, but "presentable geezer" seems well within reach.

But as others have said, the main thing is definitely to explore your own feelings and work out what's right for you -- it's an ongoing process for most of us, I think.

[Virginia]

There are a whole host of biologic conditions and psychological disorders that can cause gender dysphoria that have nothing to do with being transgender. I was diagnosed as transsexual at my first meeting with my gender therapist. Three years of therapy later the truth came out; I have Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD) as a result of childhood psychological abuse and rape and have been in trauma recovery therapy ever since. It terrifies me to think back on how close I was to destroying my marriage and the life I spent 48 years building by following the transgender solution offered by my first therapist. Read more at Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.0.html''; Therapy is an essential first step to helping you find the underlying cause of your dysphoria.

[HolyHotCakes]

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. Your thoughts really brought me comfort. Thank you.

I have a therapist appointment soon with both my regular therapist and a gender specialist. I have talked about being unhappy in my skin and wanting to be a boy since I was a kid which made coming out to my parents very-very easy. All of them were extremely accepting as was my school (they changed my name and pronouns and made sure I felt comfortable) and my friends were happy because they know I suffer from severe depression and anxiety (which has gone down now that I'm presenting masculine).

I get caught up in my feelings because I came out very fast. It wasn't really as fast as it seemed but I had told a few people one week then came out to myself and realized just how much it hurt to be called a girl and have female pronouns used and I freaked out and chopped off all my hair, changed my name (which my mom helped me with which was so nice) and told my teachers and friends that I was a man and they needed to refer to me as such.

I have a lot of fear though because I had started to come out once before about 4 years ago now and something made me crawl back into my closet and I don't remember what it was. I think that I reconditioned myself to think of every trans thought I had as being bad, that I was bad for having them, and that what I really wanted was to fit better into the female mold. That I'd be happier if I could be skinner and if I could just be a pretty-girl. That's when I remember the thoughts of dysmorphia really setting in. Now I'm having trouble sorting out the broken pieces I left myself with and I'm not sure where one thread ends or begins.