On coming out

[Skylar105]

Hey I have a question on coming out to family. I live with my grandparents and they are extremely religious to the point it's annoying since I'm an atheist (definitely not telling them that) but I was looking for a way to tell my grandmother in words on how to explain it via a letter. Since last time I tried to chat with her she ended up calling me gay and I got angry then left her alone for awhile. But everytime they call me he and him it destroys any self confidence I have. If I could get her support then I could have the bravery I need to survive. Any suggestions? I'm not very good at explaining things to people that have a natural hate towards me.

[Ms Grace]

Without knowing your grand parents I would say it sounds like you have a very difficult task ahead of you. The only thing I can think to suggest is that you try to soften her up first - introduce her to the idea of trans people and what is involved and use that to gauge how she is likely to react if you come out to her.

[Skylar105]

They are typically the type to hate homosexual people and everything else. They oddly don't practice but kept the hate and I'm to a point I either need the support or I'm going to break. Because nothing is working at all I'm having troubles tolerating myself at this point. Then again I really don't have much more to lose because I literally am missing anything good.

[LoriLorenz]

You have a hard job ahead of you. I hope they react well.

Whether your personal belief includes or does not include the following, I can't say, but I believe that your grandparents may respond at least with a modicum of grace to this:

In religious terms, I would liken gender identity as being a part of the ID of your eternal soul and that Biblically, Eunuchs do exist. Particularly, it is the words in the Bible that Jesus uses that I refer to: "For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others--and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." (Matthew 19:12)

I hope that helps. Good luck.

[Skylar105]

Thanks, they don't typically study I think they just claim the title and just love to hate. The more I think about it the worse off I'll be. But I'm in a position I don't know what to do as I'm already having severe triggers from such and I'm unable to get the support I need locally. Also oddly I don't know why I'm so afraid of them. I feel emotionally wrecked currently I'll be talking to my therapist in a few days but that ends up going in circles. -.- but yea and on the belief thing I'm all science. So I have a hard time grasping anything they believe because everything they ever say seems so stupid to me. I mean about anything not religion. I know why they believe that it was the same reason I believed for awhile. Which was mainly fear and how they were taught.

[AnonyMs]

Have you considered what will happen if you can't live there anymore? Either getting thrown out or you can't stand what's happening?

[Skylar105]

I have a fear of both being kicked out and I cannot stand what's happening. It's a rough situation because it hits on my weak spot which is courage and self esteem. It's killing both to the point that I cannot even go out in public because I know being misgendered is coming and it happens a lot. I like to think it's just my male clothes but then I think females in men's clothes most often still look female. Which makes me very dysphoric and it sends me on this very depressive rampage that just gets fueled by more misgendering etc.

I have found a way to temporarily release myself from the worry of the future though which eases things a bit being sleep deprived tends to make it to the point that I'm unable to think past the next hour. Lol I'm real bad usually planning things out (and actually going by it). But unfortunately I keep running into dead ends on my life currently which has made me so stressed out. I also never get a break from the misgendering (I'm always around people by force).

So basically I'm stuck trying to get family support in hopes for a small break in life. But being unable to express myself and being called he constantly tends to screw my care over. But over all both options would be bad for me because I don't have any other family that would help. They all still see the same.

[AnonyMs]

I feel I can't really offer any practical advice since I've never been in this situation or even close to it.

If its a serious problem not being able to live there and there's any chance of it then I think you should try to work on that before they find out. Get independent somehow, so at least in the physical sense things don't get worse. Perhaps being independent may help a bit on the mental side as well, if you know you can do this safely.

I suspect being sleep deprived is going to make it more difficult to solve your problems, and is just delaying things. I can understand the appeal of that though.

Hopefully someone else here can offer something. I'm sure more that a few have been in the same situation.

[Skylar105]

The problem is with the independent part I'm having troubles getting a job even though I'm qualified in the IT field. It comes down to either I've have very poor luck with employers or they all just hate me. I've met about 2 that's been okay with transgender people (which I didn't tell them until the end of the interview). Which ironically one of my under qualified friends is about to get hired on a place over me due to this issue. I have all of the certifications and more experience.

Which the more I try the job thing the worse it is for my mental health because of being pushed into a mold I don't fit. Sleep deprivation is just helping my mind to stop thinking about it all. I really do appreciate all of you giving a input on this it means a lot.

[AnonyMs]

It sounds like you need to work on getting a job then. Easier said than done of course, and I admit not a problem I've face for a long time.

It could be nothing to do with being transgender. I've met very smart people who are you'd think would be good, but have problems getting past interviews. I always thought they must present themselves badly in interviews. Perhaps a lack of confidence, getting nervous, whatever. If that's you it could be something to work on. I don't know how but there's got to be a way.

Perhaps your friend could find out why you didn't get the job once he's been there a while. If its not being transgender then it could be something to improve.

I'd expect sleep deprivation's only going to cause more problems. Could you distract yourself with finding a job? Not just contacting people, but try to work out what you can improve and work on it. I've a tendency to get a bit obsessed with certain things and I try to channel it in useful directions. I've made it work in my favor very well and its also pretty good for hiding from problems.

Its bad to be out of work for very long time, as people start to wonder if there's something wrong with you making it even harder to get a job. Best to fill it with something that you can explain in a positive way when you interview.

[Skylar105]

The problem is I have not met any okay employers and legally I'm stuck as male I also cry a lot from dealing with being misgendered and I mean a lot. I suffer from PTSD and have really bad flash backs from the misgendering.