Some situations

[Abjecor]

I wasn't sure if this should go in here or into the transgender forum since this is both for me, and on behalf of my girlfriend.

Basically, she is MtF Transgendered. She only recently told her therapist about this, and asked me to post this on a trans friendly forum to help her get her foot into the door in the community I suppose as she's still far too shy and nervous to do so herself at the moment.

She currently still lives with her grandmother, who is extremely homophobic and transphobic. She hasn't told her grandmother or anyone else in her family yet. In fact the only people who know are her therapist, me and a mutual friend of ours. We met online a few years ago, and started dating long distance a few months ago. About a month ago, she finally came out to me and told me that she was transgendered and hasn't started HRT yet. Admittedly I had some concerns with this, seeing as I am both straight and a cisgender male. But in the end I've accepted her for who she is, and we are still together, however there are some problems that she and I were hoping to get some advice on.

Firstly, she lives in California, and as far as I'm aware Medi-Cal, which she is on, does cover the cost of HRT and some surgeries for trans individuals, but she is curious what exactly it does cover. She also wants to know whether HRT will help with hair growth, specifically stopping or reducing facial hair growth, and whether it will help with her somewhat broad shoulders. She turns 20 soon, so we both think that HRT will do quite a bit for her, but we'd like to know to what extent. As for the grandmother situation, she's thinking of either starting it soon, or in November when she moves in with our mutual friend. She knows that her grandmother will not accept it, but is at least hoping to try since the woman basically raised her.

As for myself, I'm honestly not sure if I'm making the best choices in this situation. For instance, being straight, I asked if she was ok with the relationship not being physical until she transitions, which she agreed to. She's reassured me that this doesn't make me a bad person, and that it's perfectly normal since I'm attracted to women, but I still feel awful about it. And secondly I'm really worried that even after transitioning that I won't find her attractive. I've seen enough pictures of MtF who transitioned extremely poorly, and I'm worried that that will happen here. Again she tells me that this is normal thinking, but I can't help but think that I'm being a shallow, selfish person there. I know I can't help what I'm attracted to, but she is still my closest friend.

There are other things, but she went to bed after asking me to make this, so that will have to wait until she's more awake. Hopefully she'll be able to overcome her shyness after awhile and post here as well.

[ChiGirl]

Sounds like you are doing the right thing.  I don't know about coverage, hopefully someone else will.  But I wanted to say you are being a wonderfully supportive girlfriend and friend.  This isn't going to be easy, but having quality friends like you will help her. 

As for your personal concerns, those are totally valid.  I can't tell you how you'll feel or how she'll feel after transition is underway.   But the fact that you are committed to being her friend speaks volumes.  One thing I've learned is that transition is a selfish act, but that's okay.  It's too important not to be.  And that means you're allowed to have selfish feelings, too. 

Good luck and hugs! Remember you are not alone.

[Abjecor]

I am glad to hear that I'm not being completely shallow at least. I still worry about it though because I do really care for her and I don't want something like that to get in the way of everything.

Also I'm her boyfriend. I'm cismale, not trans. 

In any case I've linked her this thread so even if she won't post for awhile she'll be able to check it now and then.

[Dee Marshall]

There's a saying, "the heart wants what the heart wants." It's wonderful that you're making an effort and really care what happens to your girlfriend, but if, after the transition, you separate, for whatever reason, don't beat yourself up over it. If you help her through this that's plenty to be proud of.

[wheek]

Hi Abjecor and Abjecor's girlfriend!

She sounds quite similar to my own lovely SO. She's almost 20, just started to get therapy and also too shy to post here. But she stalks these forums pretty fiercely lol.

From what she's told me, laser treatment is also required to stop hair growth. Not entirely sure whether hair growth is reduced but I'll ask her when she gets home or maybe someone else can help you better there (or perhaps a quick Google will find you what you need).

In regards to yourself... It is very important that you are honest with yourself.
Relationships should make you feel happy, whether they are with a cis or not.
You're not doing anybody any favours by staying in a position where you are not happy. It is very important that you remember that your happiness is just as important as hers. That can get lost a bit sometimes.
My SO often has intense dysphoric (is that even a word? Lol) moments where I also get very stressed out and upset seeing her like that. It's ok not to be happy in those kinda moments.
I stick with her because I love her and the happiness I receive just from having her around outweighs any negative. She sticks with me even though I can be impatient, snappy and angry because she feels the same (presumably).

Of course it's up to you to decide where you draw the line. Some people can't handle the stress, the stigma, or any other number of problems a relationship can have. And that's just the way things are everybody is different.

sticking with someone just to keep them happy is cruel when they could be with someone who really appreciates and loves them.

Anyway, something that helped me rationalise things was saying 'it hasn't happened yet.'
Take things on a day by day basis. It's illogical to break up with someone because you might not be attracted to them in the future, lol. I assume there is some attraction there seeing as you are together now.

I understand you are log distance, but you can be  physical and affectionate without getting the bottom half involved. Have you met in person yet?

Apologies for the long rambly post. I got carried away :p
Wheek

[Abjecor]

Yeah, she says she's going to be getting electrolysis on her face after the HRT starts to kick in. She's mostly curious about whether Medi-Cal covers this, or if it's just the HRT. I don't live in California myself, so I have absolutely no idea. Plus I live in a trans-unfriendly state so I can't look at my own for clues.

She's also wondering about her voice, since she has kind of a deep voice at the moment. From what I could look up, her only options are vocal chord surgery and/or extensive vocal training.

But yeah, she has an appointment with her doctor today and she's planning on telling them that she wants to start on HRT as soon as possible.

As for my own predicament, I understand that I'd not be doing her or me any favors by staying with her if I didn't find her attractive when that time comes. I just don't want it to be something stupid like physical attraction that  ruins the relationship. Especially considering what she already goes through given her body issues due to still being stuck in a masculine body.

And no, we've never met in person. We've been friends for a long time, but she always declined to meet up or even show me her face for a long time because she was terrified about what I'd think of her. I didn't even find out she was trans until barely a month ago. We've seen each other's actual faces now though, however she wants to wait until she's in her proper body before we meet for real.

[wheek]

Ah right. Can't really help there.

I guess it depends how important physical attraction is to you, then. If you're happy with it then there's no problem 
It's up to you to decide, no right or wrong, everyone's different etc etc.

That must've been horrible for her having to feel like that. must be tough for you too. I know it can be very tough to meet someone you can imagine living with for the rest of your life and then having all these doubts hanging over you. Life doesn't seem fair sometimes does it

(By the way, i wondered what I would feel in the future but I figured out I don't care. I will always love her no matter what body she feels comfortable in. There are happy endings. )

Really hope everything works out for you two. Hugs.

[Abjecor]

Yeah. It's stressful for both of us. And honestly it's less that I'm concerned that she's going to be unattractive and more that she might still look rather masculine after transitioning. Because as I said earlier I'm pretty much straight, so while I know that inside she's a woman, I might have difficulties seeing past the exterior.

Although she says she might be getting some surgeries depending on what Medi-Cal covers.

But really that's the main reason why I started this thread. I was hoping that one or more of the people in here live in California and can say what it would cover. Cause all we know for certain is that it does cover some HRT and even some GRS, but we don't know what, or what hospitals will accept Medi-Cal for it. I've never even been to California, let alone living there, so I couldn't say anything, and all I could find online were recent rulings about the Affordable Care Act.