Disassociation

[lionheart]

Does anyone else feel a sort of disassociation with their past self? I don't know how to explain it exactly, but whenever I think about who I was pre-transition it makes me depressed. Not that I want to be a girl again or anything, I'm incredibly happy with where I am at this point and so grateful that I've been able to transition. But I just feel like a completely different person, and it scares me. I can hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror, and it's not even like I look significantly different or anything; I'm only 4 months on T.

I also have a really weird disconnect with my birth name. Sometimes, I forget that it even used to be my name, and I rarely even associate it with myself anymore. But at the same time, every time I hear it, I get a short feeling of panic because I think they're referring to me, even though it's been legally changed at this point and nobody has called me it in months. I don't know how to explain it, like I don't associate myself with it but at the same time, every time I hear it it reminds me of who I used to be.

It scares me because I never expected to change this much in such a short period of time, and it's just so weird to think that I'll never know what I was like even a few years ago, because I'll never have the same personality, the same thoughts or the same perspective on the world. And it doesn't help that I have a terrible memory and my entire childhood is a blur. It just feels like I'm a different person entirely. I feel ungrateful for overthinking it so much, even though I know I'm super blessed for finally being able to be who I really am. But I just can't help it.

[Dex]

I feel a disconnect between who I am now and who I was before. That chasm seems to deepen and broaden with time, it's almost as if I've been two different people. It's strange because I have the same personality. Going into this, I had some parts of me that I wanted to hold on to. I didn't want to lose the core of who I was. So even though I feel like I've not changed as a person, almost as soon as I started hormone therapy, I felt that disconnect. I see pictures of myself from a year or two ago and even though it's clear that it is me, I don't feel like I know that person at all. It is a very weird feeling. I feel like this is who I have always been (socially and outwardly male). But when confronted with proof of that not being true (even though I know it logically), it's almost like my brain can't comprehend that I ever was anyone other than who I am now. It's all very confusing lol.

[sam1234]

Definately. The one thing that I have and continue to tell anyone who knows I'm transgender is my original name. In the beginning, I would cringe if someone else was called by my old name. To this day, I hate the name, grossly unfair to those with it, but its an immediate response.

As far as dissociation, I had trouble in the beginning continuously having to reassure myself that there was no trace of my old self in looks etc. I was finally able to make a mental truce with myself by thinking of my old self as a fraternal twin that died. It does get better though. Lately I've had some bad days because I'm having to change my birth certificate which entails going through paper work on name changes, social security and therapist comments. It surprised me how powerful and unpleasant the emotions that came up from doing that were.

What you are going through is normal. Even though you know you are the same person mentally, you almost have to put some distance between who you are now and who you were then to the rest of the world. There are times when I feel a great sorrow for the person I was, and at those times, its more like mourning the death of a sister who died after enduring years of pain.

sam1234

[lionheart]

I feel a disconnect between who I am now and who I was before. That chasm seems to deepen and broaden with time, it's almost as if I've been two different people. It's strange because I have the same personality. Going into this, I had some parts of me that I wanted to hold on to. I didn't want to lose the core of who I was. So even though I feel like I've not changed as a person, almost as soon as I started hormone therapy, I felt that disconnect. I see pictures of myself from a year or two ago and even though it's clear that it is me, I don't feel like I know that person at all. It is a very weird feeling. I feel like this is who I have always been (socially and outwardly male). But when confronted with proof of that not being true (even though I know it logically), it's almost like my brain can't comprehend that I ever was anyone other than who I am now. It's all very confusing lol.

That's exactly how it is... glad I'm not alone in this.