Coming out problems

[PageOfD]

For starters im new here so im sorry if this is in the wrong place but,

I'm looking for some tips because i came out to my parents a few days ago (or tried to) and when we were done talking their verdict was that I'm not trans because theyve known me my whole life and I messed up my words when i tried to explain things to them.

I want to prove to them that I am trans, that i feel much more comfortable with a male body (as male as i can get with a binder and packer) and that i want people to use he/him pronouns and my chosen name (Derrick) because it makes me feel better, but i dont know how to do that.
i dont know what to do and im sick of being misgendered in my own home, so id appreciate any advice people can offer.

[zero.cool.crash.override]

Derrick,

You have posted in the exact correct place here.  Parents can have a hard time accepting the reality of a transgender son.  It sucks to be misgendered day after day in your own home – the place more than any other that you ought to be allowed to be yourself.  I don't know if there is a surefire one-and-done way to PROVE that a person is trans.  A better approach might be patient persistence to show them consistently that this is real and not a phase.

It kinda depends on your parents and what the real reason is that they don't believe you.  A perfectly composed logical explanation is not necessarily the solution.  Maybe that was just their kneejerk reaction.  Or maybe they have a trans stereotype in mind of a hyper masculine tomboy, and their observation of you doesn't fit that stereotype.  Why do you think they rejected what you told them?

[warlockmaker]

Hi. I have come out to family members when I started HRT but my parents are no longer in the position to care, due to their advanced age of over 90. However, my brother came out to our parents as a gay some some 35 years ago, when they were young, and I remember my father reluctanance to accept this but he was very pragmatic and to my suprise supported his decision and stood up for him in the public arena and his peers. But our mother, who was a just a wonderful person, she was mixed chinese, portugese and english always said it was not possible as she knew her son. I can remember for so many years, even after it was accepted by all, she used to say that he needs a girlfriend to change his outlook. I used to tell her its not just a passing impulsive whim but that it was genetic and not his choice but his need to be himself. I used to show her studies on this (before the internet) but she just closed her mind. This did not meanshe loved him less, infact he bacame the most loved to both my parents. Take your time to explain and please see a therapist.

[synesthetic]

hi Derrick! I'm so sorry and I wish your coming out had gone better. they've known you your whole life, yeah, but they don't get inside your head. they don't experience the thoughts you do and they don't see the world the way you do. you know yourself better than they do, and the sooner they realize this the better.

persistence and insistence really can help get a point across. just don't give up.

there's also a ton of guides for parents/family members of trans kids - maybe do a search and see if any come up that you think will be particularly helpful in your situation?

I hope things go well for you and your parents eventually realize and accept who you are. ((hugs and good vibes))

[PageOfD]

@zero.cool.crash.override
My mother was most opposed and her main arguments were that I haven't known for long enough (I've only really explored gender things for 2 and a half years or so), that she thinks I have 'body dysmorphia' instead(because the closest I could easily get to explaining my dysphoria was saying I was incredibly uncomfortable in my body), and that I couldn't define what I thought the most masculine aspects of my personality were (which she then counteracted by saying that she'd raised me and all my siblings to not see personality traits as masculine or feminine so I don't know why she asked that in the first place).

My mother teaches psychology, and a lot in the gender/gender differences area, and she says these thing so matter of factly that its hard to argue against her, even though I know she's wrong, and she seems to think she knows more about me than she does, and thus she knows what's best for me, in her mind.
My father didn't really say much throughout the conversation, more just backing up my mother's points of how they would support me and all that just that they're not convinced that this is the right thing for me.

@warlockmaker
I do have a therapist who's been wonderful with all of this (especially by looking up a whole bunch of things when her knowledge was sketchy)

@synesthetic
I've tried searching for resources like that but the only things I've found have been for people who have known they were trans from a very young age, so they're not exactly helpful for me.

[Elis]

@zero.cool.crash.override
My mother was most opposed and her main arguments were that I haven't known for long enough (I've only really explored gender things for 2 and a half years or so), that she thinks I have 'body dysmorphia' instead(because the closest I could easily get to explaining my dysphoria was saying I was incredibly uncomfortable in my body), and that I couldn't define what I thought the most masculine aspects of my personality were (which she then counteracted by saying that she'd raised me and all my siblings to not see personality traits as masculine or feminine so I don't know why she asked that in the first place).

My mother teaches psychology, and a lot in the gender/gender differences area, and she says these thing so matter of factly that its hard to argue against her, even though I know she's wrong, and she seems to think she knows more about me than she does, and thus she knows what's best for me, in her mind.
My father didn't really say much throughout the conversation, more just backing up my mother's points of how they would support me and all that just that they're not convinced that this is the right thing for me.

@warlockmaker
I do have a therapist who's been wonderful with all of this (especially by looking up a whole bunch of things when her knowledge was sketchy)

@synesthetic
I've tried searching for resources like that but the only things I've found have been for people who have known they were trans from a very young age, so they're not exactly helpful for me.

This happened to me when I came out to my dad two years ago, it has now since been forgotten about but I plan on writing him an email soon so I can get all my thoughts down on how I felt about being female in the past and what my plans are in the future. So you could write a letter too. I plan on sending this to my dad http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20032-transsexual-differences-caught-on-brain-scan.html. It's not a great bit of evidence but it's the only one I could find. This is also helpful http://www.vox.com/2015/2/4/7977335/trans-myths. You could also tell her that body dysmorphia is when you obsess about one part of your body bcos of it's aesthetic even though it's looks fine to everyone else. Body dysphoria is when you feel deeply uncomfortable about your female body and want whatever is causing the dysphoria gone, not to look better aesthetically just gone. I hope I helped and it goes better for you this time round.

[PageOfD]

aah thanks for the links Elis, they'll be helpful in the future, if not now.

For now I organised a sort of package of information for my mum (as she's the one I think I really need to convince) that had an article about the difference between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria (http://roygbiv.jezebel.com/stop-confusing-gender-dysphoria-with-body-dysmorphia-al-1583049920), some information about the SAGE test results as well as my results from the SAGE test (id suggest you take it if you havent already (http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/sage/)) as well as my results from the Bem sex-role inventory (http://garote.bdmonkeys.net/bsri.html) (which doesnt really mean much but my mum insisted I do it). I left it with her and am about to head to bed so I'll see if she read it/how it went in the morning.

[palexander]

hey man.  im sorry your parents haven't fully accepted it yet, BUT this doesn't mean that they won't. it took my mom several months to completely gender me correctly + use my chosen name, but now she's really great about it. sometimes a 'she' slips out, but she doesn't mean it. we actually talked about this a few weeks ago and she said "it's like that name (birth name) doesn't exist, you've always been preston." so i felt really relieved, to say the least.

my dad, on the other hand, was slow to (somewhat) accept me. i used to beat myself up over it, cry a lot, and feel like crap because my dad didn't want me as a person, he just wanted a daughter. but after two months of completely ignoring him, he came through. you may not be able to do that in your situation, and you may not have to take extreme measures like i did, but i can reassure you that things will fall into place-- even if it's not the way you originally intended them to.

here's the post i made about my dad accepting me
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,182592.msg1630428.html