Trying to figure out if I'm transgender or not. Help very appreciated !

[needhelp]

Hello ! So I've posted once here to find out how people know they were transsexual or how they felt before knowing. So I have a few questions which I'll ask after giving some of my background (once again for whoever did not see this before since I'm new)

So I'm 26 and I've suffered from OCD since I can remember. Rituals and being very organized and such, with intrusive thoughts. Anyway, I've been suffering with different feelings recently since I saw a movie involving a transsexual detective and that's where I found out that actually being trans is not really a matter of choice but something that oneself has no decision upon feeling that way (so from what I've read I understand it's biological). So here's the thing... for me it's quite different than most stories and that's why I'm very confused and trying to look for as much feedback as possible before doing something that I could regret my whole life too.

Since little I've always been a little different, but not in the sense that I wanted to be a girl. Actually I've always been happy with being a boy/man or that's what I thought? Since I was a child I loved playing with toys, doing boy things, playing sports and such. However, since I can remember I'm very sensitive, never liked to get physical. Actually even when people would pick on me I would not fight back because I felt bad harming others... Like I just can't (even now). I've always had issues with my body but in a different way. I already have kind of a feminine body and I always wanted to have a masculine one. Like I have some slight gyno (puffy larger nipples), not so much but wider than average men hips, a big butt and I even get cellulite as a male in my buttocks area. My face is a tiny feminine having thick lips (especially upper lips). So for me it's been always the opposite, actually feeling bad about my body since I could not meet those "normal" standards of a masculine body. I even have thin/short fingers. However, since I saw this movie I've been feeling very weird, as if I see my a body part and I feel like I'm seeing a woman, like if I'm actually a woman already or something (very hard to explain). I also have suffered from denationalization/derealization due to anxiety a lot or things such as imagining my face one way but then seeing it differently in the mirror and same with voice (not in a feminine way however). Before this never came to mind and never really thought of being another sex. Since I was 18 I started suffering from HOCD or actually being a gay in denial. Never did it yet so I don't think I'm one... but what's freaking me out is that I've realized that is not gay men who I find attractive but straight men. I like to be with male friends and I feel secure with them (kind of like a woman feeling safe with their man?).. So this is one of those other things triggering that thought of "well, maybe you do like men but could only be with them if you were a woman?"...

So my question is, did anyone here feel like this at all? Or does this sounds to others like it's my OCD messing with me real bad? Again I ask cause as many of you know you probably had something close to a definite answer before doing it... I can't change my life by mistake especially being as self-conscious as I am. And the other question is, do usually men who usually have gender dysphoria have more feminine body features?

I really hope some of you give this some thought and get back to me as it would mean a lot... I'm going though a really hard time and the depression is kicking in.

Thanks a lot ! 

[Dee Marshall]

Actually, your physical description sounds to me like one of the intersex conditions. There are a few intersex folks here, hopefully one of them can say better than I.

[suzifrommd]

NH, I'm not hearing a story that we hear a lot from trans folks. As Dee says, intersex folks might know more.

Transfolks seem to feel a universal desire to change something - that they're not happy in the gender that was assigned to them for one reason or another. I'm not hearing that from your story (though might be there and I'm not hearing it.)

But are stories are as different from each other as people, so doesn't really mean anything.

[Kaydee]

Some of what you say reminds me of myself years ago - specifically the not wanting to be physical and hurt others. But the little you say about yourself is not enough to know if you have are trans.   I sounds like you have a lot to work out about yourself.  You might consider talking to a therapist - preferably one with gender experience - and see if you can discover the root of your depression and other feelings may be.   

[Rachel]

Hi needhelp,

There is an intersex talk posting location two posting locations below Transgender Talk. You may want to post in that section and ask about the condition.

Only you can say if you are trans. A good gender therapist can help you find out about your gender.

[VeronicaLynn]

I think it is just OCD messing with you real bad. Anyone can find some things that don't entirely fit the gender binary, if they look hard enough. I personally don't quite fit either side of the gender binary, but if you just have some physical traits that are perceived as being feminine while mentally feeling you are a guy, then you are just a guy with some feminine traits. You perhaps, might also be non-binary, I am, not sure if you are, but you can find out more about what non-binary means in the Non-binary talk forum.

[needhelp]

First of all I really appreciate all your responses. The only thing that I think keeps me a little away from transgender folks is that I'm always doubting everything... so I don't know if my feeling feminine is due to lack of confidence or such. All I can see is that most stories I've read mention how they knew or how once they found about what transexuality really was later in life brought mostly relief to these people. In my it is kind of the opposite, I've been trying to do things that OCD people do, such as imagining me with women body parts and see if i like it or not (checking ritual), and If i "feel" like I do I'll actually get nervous and get nowhere with it and be even more and more confused. I don't have anything against you guys, I'm actually very open minded. The thing is that if I was actually to go ahead with something like this I'd like to be sure before realizing that it really was all my OCD and well... there really is not coming back from surgery.
The only thing appealing to me is how I do suffer from depersonalization/derealization and I'm medicated for anxiety but see not really any improvements. This is the other thing that lead me to doubt about having some indirect gender dysphoria. I've read that for transexual people, testosterone is toxic for the brain chemistry causing symptoms of derealization as well. So since my social phobia/ocd never got better I was thinking that the reason could be because it could be the testosterone which I'm not tackling. Sorry if all this sounded confusing, it's actually hard for me to put it in words.

I will as well take a look at the intersex condition since that crossed my mind as well although my testosterone levels were always quite on the upper range (intersex conditions show all the opposite).

Once again thanks a lot !

[amber roskamp]

Its actually impossible for us to figure out. Try picturing yourself as a women in 5-10 years. Ask your self if you think that being a women would make you happy. Way the pros (solving gender dysphoria, feeling good about yourself, stronger emotions, feeling free (all of these are only potential except the stronger emotions )) and cons( families reaction, society's mistreatment, loss of sex drive and, loss of penile function, and sterilization) of a transition. search your thoughts. talk to a therapist to help you sort through your thoughts. its a really complex issue, give your self time to think about it. 

[VeronicaLynn]

The thing is that if I was actually to go ahead with something like this I'd like to be sure before realizing that it really was all my OCD and well... there really is not coming back from surgery.

There is generally a waiting period, in most jurisdictions, of at least 1 year, for this to happen. While some are annoyed by this, it does give one time to think really think about it. Also, you should know, many, if not most, transgender people do not have surgery these days for a variety of reasons.

[cindy16]

Hi NH,

My first bit of advice is that you should definitely seek a therapist to help you deal with all these questions, especially the ones around how OCD could be related to or affecting your gender questioning. From what you wrote, you are probably already in contact with medical professionals, but it may be good to find some who are experienced in trans issues if your current ones aren't already so.

Having said that, I'll just add a little of my own experience here. I too have mild OCD-like symptoms. I've never got a formal diagnosis or had any other problems or been under any medication, but I do have a set of repetitive stuff I do which others around me don't, which has been around since childhood I think, and which gets noticed and commented on all the time. I say it is 'mild' because when I really have to, I am able to avoid that repetitive stuff, though not always.

Since I started questioning my gender identity and then finally accepted it, I've had some doubt whether it is my OCD which is driving this. But I think my OCD is much milder than my feelings about my gender, and I do have a pattern of memories and experiences since childhood which are for real and which fit in with my gender identity, so it can't be all driven by OCD. Like you, I have some feminine physical characteristics, though not as extreme as the intersex conditions I've read about, but they remind me of wanting to be seen as female rather than any desire to be more masculine which I've hardly ever had, if at all.

Also, for various personal reasons, I am taking it slow, waiting to see how strong and persistent my feelings are, and slowly experimenting with my appearance. I'm also in regular contact with a therapist to help me process my feelings and rule out alternative explanations if required. Next steps, if I go for them, would be HRT and the gradual changes it brings. Surgery is a very distant part of this process, if it has to be a part at all, so one has enough time to figure out if one is on the right path.

Everyone's story here is different, but asking yourself the right questions at each step with or without professional advice is key to finding the right answer.

Take care
Cindy

[Cyber Warrior]

Hi needhelp

I am not an expert on this by any means but IMHO it doesent sound like you are transexual. Maybe intersex as everyone else had said. I would talk to a gender therapist to be sure though. And I would definetly go to a therapist about your OCD. I suffer from extreme ocd too except without physical compulsions and more about intrusvie thoughts. It drove me to the brink of wanting to die serval times in my life and I am just now recovering from it. Although you can never truly rid yourself of OCD completly, you can lessen it's effects on your life.