Im mentally breaking down.....

[Wild Flower]

I dont want to say Im crazy, but Im breaking down mentally and not worrying about my consequences as much. Same ol same ol. I hate my job. I hate it so much. I rather be dead than do it. I think of suicide daily now. Im talking to myself a lot when im alone and having racing thoughts (this is more of my gender issues).

I plain out hate my life and feel like its a prison. Theres no hope for me for 1 yr to get out of my job. But Im trying my best but I suck at it, but even though I try I keep sucking at it. I hate being nice.and showing that I care... but people like this illusion Im presenting.

The money. I dont care. I dont care about it. But Im in the military and thats why im trap... i didnt even choose my job .... i want out... but i cant get out. Im no longer a human but a shell of a human.

I work 12 hours a day and when im off im so tired. 1 year though i can re enlist to reclass (dont want to do more time but i rather do.4 yrs of something i tolerate than do this anymore)..

[Jayne]

I have no idea what it's like to be in the military but I've had years of hating my various jobs, take each day one at a time and keep reminding yourself that it won't last forever.
You say there's no hope of getting out for one year, try a different perspective, you've only got one more year to go and then you're out of there! You may be surprised how quickly a year can pass.
Stay strong we're here to support you

[suzifrommd]

Would you consider a less than general discharge? It's a stain on your record and follows you throughout your life, but way, way better than suicide. Could you inform them of some medical condition (say, being trans, for example) that no longer makes you fit for military duty?

I wouldn't suggest this normally, but it sounds like you're feeling like you're in a desperate place, and there are alternatives.

[sam1234]

You know how you look back at things that happened a few years ago and can't believe it happened so long ago? Consider this before you drop out of the military. I understand tne desperation and suicidal ideation. The feeling of being trapped is one of the most intesnse. frightening and depressing feelings there are. If you can stick it out, you can get your GI benefits and your record will be clean,

I know you are in a really dark place right now. If you can get therapy, it might help get you through the year. You might want to think about a therapist outside the military though. One year can sound like an eternity when you feel so bad. It will pass, and then your options will be more varied.

sam1234

[Dodie]

Wild Flower,
I know it's hard sweetie.. Are you in therapy?  I am not sure what the rules are for military gender issues now but for some reason I thought they were relaxed.
Christin Beck, Chris Beck waited until she retired to transition.. she is amazing.. love her attitude.  You may want to read her story.. you probably have.
If not for therapy.. I would not have made it.  Do not get to the place where you think suicide is the answer its not.. not even worth it ever... ok???
So, sounds like you are young.. you have a full life ahead of you... life is so so precious.. its a gift.. try to think about that..
Love,
Dodie

[Stephanie2]

Wild Flower, I was in the Navy in the late '60's and I can relate to you feeling like suicide. I didn't want to live. Even before the Navy. I hated being in the Navy, though, so it made it worse. But, things did get better, not at first, though. I ended up getting a better job on the base. One that I actually enjoyed. Then they had an early out program that still allowed an honorable discharge. I am enjoying the military benefits of the VA hospital after what would have been heavy bills from my kidney stones procedure and other things, which ended up costing me little more than a co-pay for the meds. Plus going back to visit the base back in '87, which was a great experience. So, what I am saying is that things can change for the better and sooner than you think! Hang in there!

Stephanie

[alexbb]

these girls transitioned in the military, might be of interest

[Ms Grace]

Sounds like you are pretty badly depressed, you should talk to your army doc and/or psyche. It could help get you a break or a reposting while also having the issue dealt with.

[Sophie Lou]

I am sorry you are feeling so sad.  You are not alone here.

I am a huge fan of Louise Hay (you can heal your life) as a source for creating positivity in situations that feel negative. I have learned so much
in doing affirmations to move myself through very difficult situations by reframing it with positivity so that my body can feed off of it and feel loved. You are love loved! Positive thoughts to you!